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  #21  
Old 04-12-2013, 03:01 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Francesca, if you can get to the bottom of why you feel uncomfortable with the two of them getting sexy time together without you, and deal with that, you will be far better off in the long run than if you deal with it by having other people change their behaviour to suit you. This is something you can apply to any relationship. It doesn't even have to be about sex.

I had more to say but i have to get off the train now.
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  #22  
Old 04-12-2013, 03:33 PM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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I feel like I've been where you are, in regards to not being comfortable with my hubby and metamour being alone together, though we don't do threesomes (yet?). I really loved this article to explain to Q and Miss M that I was working on things, but needed to move slowly. Good luck!
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  #23  
Old 04-12-2013, 09:13 PM
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Default Great article

Thank for the link! What a great read on jealousy!
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  #24  
Old 04-13-2013, 07:57 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Tonight is the night

MD, FJ and I are hanging out tonight sans children. I am back to feeling really good about everything, and hopeful that tonight goes well. FJ and MD have both been checking in with me and very supportive, and so I feel amazing. One concern is that MD still keeps saying things about making sure fJ and I are ok, that I shouldn't worry about her, that I should only worry about us etc. I wonder how I can make it clear that her wants and needs matter as much as mine or his do. I've said as much, but she's relegating herself to an inferior position. As someone who is very concerned about the whole "unicorn" version of poly, I don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own. Any experience with this?
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  #25  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:57 PM
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Its not easy managing a triad no matter what the dynamic. I am in a similar situation as you and still finding my way through it. My wife and I are deeply commited to each other. Our GF has a loving romance and NRE with my wife. Our GF and I are in love also, but have just started exploring our own dyad intimacy. And we three have an intimate relationship, though it seems that lately its has been far and few times. Some of that is situational and some of that is difficulty with feelings. I usually experience compersion, but sometimes I don't and that is hard for everyone. I think it's not always easy to see the two you love being so into each other, and feeling like you are on the outside. My best advice....communicate communicate communicate. We use verbal communication and an online journal to share our feelings and thoughts. Just because you have the thoughts of being flexible doesn't mean the actual action is easy to do or maintain. It's easy to get hurt or be misunderstood. Keep those lines of communication open and don't be afraid to ask for what you need...not just what you want.

Best of Luck to you all.

S
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  #26  
Old 04-14-2013, 12:46 AM
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Re (from franchescasc):
Quote:
"One concern is that MD still keeps saying things about making sure FJ and I are okay, that I shouldn't worry about her, that I should only worry about us etc.. I wonder how I can make it clear that her wants and needs matter as much as mine or his do. I've said as much, but she's relegating herself to an inferior position. As someone who is very concerned about the whole 'unicorn' version of poly, I don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own. Any experience with this?"
No, but I would suggest be gently persistent with her, saying, "No, honey, your feelings are just as important as ours. We don't want you relegated to an inferior position." She might need to hear that a lot of times (put a lot of different ways) before she starts to feel secure about it.

Personally I think the keys here are just slowing the general speed down a little (not bringing anything to a stop), investing a bit more of your time right now into communicating with each other and getting to the bottom of your feelings, and not quite as much of the sexy action until you all kind of know what your limits are and how to navigate them.

The thing with MD and FJ being together (just them two) might be partly a trust issue on your part. Or perhaps more precisely, would you trust them to still be as interested in you as ever after they had had time alone together with each other?

I like the idea of working up to that, such as them spending non-sexy time together at first, and give you time to work that out in your mind. In any case, I'm sure you guys are already deep in your conversation so I just wish it to go well, and I recommend you follow up with future conversations, once a week, once a month, something like that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #27  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:56 PM
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Default Update

We have talked a lot, but unfortunately not formally. Saturday ended up being a day we hung out because someone MD worked with and has known forever committed suicide the day before. Mostly we hung out to take her mind off of things. We went out, and then back to her house to hang out. Her and FJ were affectionate, but nothing over the top, all of it was great and I was happy. At one point, FJ fell asleep, and it was alluded to that I would pick up the kids from the babysitter and leave him asleep. I was comfortable the whole night until this point. Boo. So I woke FJ up, and we left. MD confessed that she really wanted him to stay, and she felt guilty because she wanted to be with *just* him.

So-this is my biggest insecurity. That the romance between MD and I will no longer exist now that her and FJ are involved. I don't worry about FJ and I at all, he has provided me lots of reassurance, and honestly our bond is so strong. I expressed this insecurity to MD, and she responded that her feelings haven't changed, and that she has feelings for both of us and loves spending time with me.

So here's the thing: Is it totally nitpicky of me to have wanted to hear her say "I want to be with you alone too. My desire for you intimately hasn't changed"?.....I just feel like I specifically told her my insecurity is that our passion for each other will change, and she is saying she likes spending time with me....Idk. I hate that this has changed a blissful, constantly flirting dynamic into one of worry and constant analyzation. I'm tired. I want that back. It makes me want to just work through my shit on my own and not constantly talk about it. In the meantime, her and FJ are texting and I feel like I'm a wet towel. Middle ground?

And by the way, I did let MD & FJ know separately that I totally understand that they will have their own relationship, separate from me. It's ridiculous to think that we are a package deal. I get that, and I am working on being totally comfortable with that.

We still plan to sit down and talk, we all agree how important it is. Soon I hope.
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  #28  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:30 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I don't think it's too picky of you to want to hear that she wants to spend time alone with you, and i think you should say to her, "i still want time together just the two of us. I hope you do also. How do YOU feel about that?"

This is not a trick question. It's very straightforward and does not require pinning down of times, durations, and frequencies. If she mumbles things or acts evasive or gets squirmy about it, then she is either not really that into you after all but really wants to get near your husband, OR she is poor at communicating under these circumstances.

I can't continue to advise any further without speculating and assuming a great many things, some of which haven't even happened yet. If you do decide to use the approach i described above, and the answer is something other than "Yes, i DO want to spend time alone with you still", then you will know which thing the answer means by her non-verbal communication ( body language and eye contact).
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  #29  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:36 PM
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Completely concur with BorningGuy.

Poly relationships go through many stages. The growth stages often aren't nearly as fun as the NRE stages. But growth is necessary in order for the relationship to stay strong and be long-term. You will have times when the simple pleasures fall back into place. Don't be discouraged if there's some road blocks in between those times.

Given the overall very positive nature of the relationship between the three of you, I see it through optimistic lenses. I think you will get the present issues worked out (though I admit my forecasts are not all 100% reliable).
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  #30  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:38 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Being straightforward

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I don't think it's too picky of you to want to hear that she wants to spend time alone with you, and i think you should say to her, "i still want time together just the two of us. I hope you do also. How do YOU feel about that?"
I need to write these things down. Straightforward is usually my style, but I don't want to feel like MD is saying things just because they are what I want to hear. Guess that's why I've been a little fuzzy at times. This way of phrasing it though is good. Thanks!
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