Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:54 PM
Murphy Murphy is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Unhappy Can you die from fear?

New here. My husband just told me he wants an open marriage, and I am hurt and terrified.

I *want* him to be happy; I *want* to be the confident, sexy wife he wants to share all this with; I *want* our marriage to last....

But I am so scared, just thinking about it this morning had me crying, shaking and hyperventilating like I was being chased by a man with a chainsaw.

I read a few posts on here, but I am still having a hard time with all of this. Are there wives here who were able to work through all this? How did you lose your fear, work through feeling like you were lied to, or going to be abandoned, or being used as the consolation/backup prize?

Help!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:36 PM
hyperskeptic's Avatar
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 401
Default

First, welcome to the forum. I hope we here may be of some help to you.

Second, no, you're not going to die from fear. Do take some time to breathe, though, and to calm yourself as well as you can before you turn to face the source(s) of your fear.

After all, nothing has actually happened yet, or so I assume. Your husband has told you be wants something, but his wanting it does not in itself impose some obligation on you, nor does it mean a decision has already been made.

In the end, you may end up simply saying "no" to your husband. He may be disappointed in not getting what he wants, but clearly you have something to say about the form your marriage takes. Your husband's happiness is not the only consideration and, besides that, looking out for his happiness in the long run is not the same as giving in every time he wants something.

But you're not at that point, yet.

You really need to talk all this over with your husband, in great detail and with as much candor as you can manage. Some questions to consider:

1. What is your marriage like, from the inside? Is it strong and happy? Contentious and stressful? Something else? Is it possible that your husband actually wants out?

2. What is it your husband actually wants? "Open marriage" is vague. Does he want to be able to have sex with others? Committed relationships with others (polyamory)? Does he want to find someone to "add" to the marriage, forming a triad? Something else? Would you be free to pursue other relationships, if you wanted to? Including relationships with other men?

(If you both agree to go in one of these directions, there are many, many other decisions to make and boundaries to set. This will require lots and lots of communication!)

3. Did your husband introduce the idea of an "open marriage" as a speculative possibility? A request? A demand? An ultimatum?

Really, you just need to be clear and direct about your own choices and limits, and be ready to speak up for yourself. (Not that doing so can't be scary in itself!)

Best of luck with this. Let us know how things develop.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-15-2013, 08:24 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,962
Default

Re:
Quote:
"Can you die from fear?"
I don't know, but it makes me scared to think of it. Okay, my bad, you can bonk me on the head for that one.

I think hyperskeptic wrote a great post, run with that. (I know, don't *say* the word run! Bonk me on the head again.)

I think education often takes the scariness out of things. It's not such a big, shapeless unknown. Reading lots of threads (and posting your questions) on this site will help. Also I recommend the following book:

"Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino

Don't let your husband rush you on this decision. Tell him you need time to study this idea. Actually, you might want to read that book together with him. Then discuss your various feelings on the parts that you read.

I think you can make choices that can influence your emotional environment, but I don't think you can directly choose your emotions. Don't feel like you failed or something if you feel scared. Lots of people get scared, including polyamorists.

I'm rooting for things to go well. Oh, and welcome to our forum!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-15-2013, 09:00 PM
Murphy Murphy is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
First, welcome to the forum. I hope we here may be of some help to you.
Thank you. I hope so too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
After all, nothing has actually happened yet, or so I assume. Your husband has told you be wants something, but his wanting it does not in itself impose some obligation on you, nor does it mean a decision has already been made.
No, nothing has happened. There is no one else involved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
1. What is your marriage like, from the inside? Is it strong and happy? Contentious and stressful? Something else? Is it possible that your husband actually wants out?
Our marriage has been, from my view and from what he says of his view, happy. We have had a lot of stresses lately, kids, money and a death in the family, but until this "issue", there has been nothing wrong. He has stressed that he wants to stay married to me, to be with me, and while he has been thinking about this for some time, he has still been just as happy and in love with me as before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
2. What is it your husband actually wants? "Open marriage" is vague. Does he want to be able to have sex with others? Committed relationships with others (polyamory)? Does he want to find someone to "add" to the marriage, forming a triad? Something else? Would you be free to pursue other relationships, if you wanted to? Including relationships with other men?
This is a problem I pointed out to him. He did say that he does not want a second wife or a serious girlfriend, but beyond that, he won't say. He says it is because he's not sure and can't pre-order a scenario. I think he can at least have some criteria, and could choose appropriate persons to pursue, especially as he wants to experience some fetish/kink related sex.

He has said, yes, that it works both ways. If fact, he has indicated he might want to watch or join such an activity. I have no idea how to feel about that, and while I did date several people simultaneously before we were married, I have put that mindset away being so in love and devoted to my husband. I don't know if I can return to that way of thinking after being married for so long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
3. Did your husband introduce the idea of an "open marriage" as a speculative possibility? A request? A demand? An ultimatum?.
It is a request. He hasn't made an ultimatum, but he has said if we can't forge an agreement, he isn't sure what will happen. He wants to be with me, but he wants to pursue his sexual interests.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-15-2013, 09:07 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NW England
Posts: 117
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murphy View Post
It is a request. He hasn't made an ultimatum, but he has said if we can't forge an agreement, he isn't sure what will happen. He wants to be with me, but he wants to pursue his sexual interests.
It's a tricky one...it's like opening a door that can never be closed.

Even if he agreed not to ever mention it again and that the subject was dead...it would still be there in your head for the rest of your relationship.

Regardless of where you take things from here, I don't see how things could ever be completely the same again.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-15-2013, 10:43 PM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 162
Default

It might be helpful (it is to me) to journal all your thoughts, then reread and write more.. write questions or make an email draft to edit and edit again..

Talk and talk and talk and talk..its the best thing. Talk without judgement. He is going thru this and it took alot for him to open up and talk to you, so at least continue to talk with an open mind. Even if you decide that its not an interest to you it will help him be comfortable talking about all his thoughts and feelings with you..

hugs...
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-15-2013, 11:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,022
Default

Could thank him for coming to you with his thoughts and feelings. That's what spouses do, right? He's not cheating or anything. He's disclosing. Maybe he's scared to say it to you -- just like you are scared to hear it.

Could be honest back -- that this scares and terrifies you. Could tell him what you do NOT want. You don't want to make any changes to marriage agreements at this time.

Could state what you ARE willing to do at this time. Maybe read articles and books. Talk about his feelings. Get to know this side of him.

Could choose to Open to more of HIM even if you don't Open the marriage at all.

It's your marriage too -- you don't have to do things you do not want to do / are not willing to do.

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-16-2013, 05:03 AM
NutBusterX's Avatar
NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Central California
Posts: 98
Default

Hi Murphy,
I'm Jim. I'm feeling for you in your struggle.

GalaGirl is right though, it takes a ton of trust and courage for him to be honest. I know you are shocked and shaken by his requests. Those are valid feelings. Take heart that, unlike many who have posted here, your husband appears to have done things in the right way. To me that suggests the two of you have a very solid foundation from which to recover and sort all of this out.

I wish you the best.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-16-2013, 07:46 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Wink It does take courage

to bring the subject up to your spouse, and I would agree with the others that talking before being stupid and uncaring and cheating on the person you are with is a good sign. Like Gala Girl said, you would do well to find a way to tell him how much it means to you that he felt close enough with you to speak up. Obviously it is hard for you to deal with, but honestly I don't believe that there is a person alive who has never had a least a fleeting thought that was of a sexual nature about somebody other than their spouse, no matter how perfect the relationship is.

It just happens,

maybe not frequently (but for some it is frequent) because we are by design/nature (however you choose to view life) regardless of your religion or lack of of it, sex is THE strongest motivators/pangs/urges whatever name you give it, it is by far the strongest desire that isn't "technically" needed to survive, although it is necessary to survive beyond one generation.

Hunger and thirst are extremely strong feelings, but the way the brain works in the human being hunger and thirst have nothing on intimacy, esp considering food and water is so readily available. Think about it, as strong as the pangs are from hunger and thirst, the reason their strength are what they are is because much more than a day or two without water, and to a lesser extent food, you would die.

Sex is just part of the intimacy equation, but it happens to be the one that spouses who claim they have never ever had at least a fleeting thought involving someone else, are in fact living in denial.

So while ManofDiscovery, I am sure is trying to help, that type of talk can be deleterious. It makes people afraid of the Truth, which between spouses such a fear can mean death of the relationship.

So Murphy, take solace in the fact that you and your spouse just overcame the hardest step of all, being honest with your spouse. Regardless of whether or not it ever progresses beyond just talking about it, the two of you have an opportunity to have your relationship strengthened by a much deeper level of intimacy, through honesty and understanding. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it, and it can be obtained without ever actually 'opening up' your relationship.

I think the most destructive aspect to peoples lives as the world transitions into Truth, is because people do not truly know themselves, so go slow, and realize that as humans, we are extremely emotional beings.

I know I am going to sound crazy, but it isn't just your husband and it isn't just sex, the days are here that the Entire World is transitioning to an Age of Truth and Honesty (They can no longer be denied), and unfortunately it will break many people. You and your spouse can make it through the transition.

It may turn out to be a blessing that you and your spouse learned about real honesty and truth through this method of it manifesting in your marriage, because I believe that truth and honesty will overtake everyone and in all aspects of their life (it's been written about for quite some time, the old world of lies ended 12/21/2012). Most of the world is going to get pushed off of the proverbial Truth Cliff, and because they weren't prepared, it will destroy them.

You and your spouse will have honesty down pat, and will love life, regardless of the aspect of sex.

hang in there, you will likely find yourselves to be counted as one of the lucky ones

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-16-2013 at 07:59 AM. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-16-2013, 07:51 AM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NW England
Posts: 117
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
So while ManofDiscovery, I am sure is trying to help, that type of talk can be deleterious. It makes people afraid of the Truth, which between spouses such a fear can mean death of the relationship.
You can't get more truthful than to say that the relationship cannot be the same again. And yes, in these situations there is a very real risk of the relationship ending if one party wants to go in one direction and the other wants to go a different way.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
fear, marriage vs. polyamory, poly/mono

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:56 PM.