Originally Posted by redpepper
I feel as if the poly I am is based entirely on my insecurity, need to belong, fear and hoarding of partners in order to maintain my fucked up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall with one person walking away simply to carry on with their lives. How's that for being fucked up.
At least I admit it.
Thing is I love my partners with all my heart and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stick by me through the work I have to do only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do in its entirety.
One of my previous bff's (who ironically is no longer due to her not agreeing with my poly lifestyle) once said she chooses
to be with someone but does not need
to be with someone.
Wishes of happiness and health to you; Your writing is very helpful & inspriational.