Poly or monogamous in a poly relationship?

[Bella]

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars

Bella I am in the exact same place you are talking about with my current partner who is poly. If you ever want to talk message me =)
I consider myself to be in a poly relationship even though i am new to polyamory because my partner is poly and i am open to it, and sometimes wish i could have another partner, but again, I am satisfied with just having one. This place is a great resource, it can be really confusing, I am new to this too and find myself getting tangled up in termonology or questioning if what I feel is right or "normal" but ive come to find anything you feel is in fact normal and you will most likely find people who feel or experience the exact same things you do on here. =)

Yeah, even in the couple of days that I've been posting, I've felt so accepted and "normal". Most of my friends and family do not understand poly at all and are very closed off to even discussing it - for them, it equates cheating and is morally wrong. Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by Bella

Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!

To me that is one of the major joys of taking part in poly communities - helping people feel like they're not alone. There are quite a few poly people out there and there are people with whom you can discuss issues and concerns.

[glowinthedarkstars]

Originally Posted by Bella

Yeah, even in the couple of days that I've been posting, I've felt so accepted and "normal". Most of my friends and family do not understand poly at all and are very closed off to even discussing it - for them, it equates cheating and is morally wrong. Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!

my family is the same way. my mom knows about my poly relationship but is cynical about it and says she says it couldnt possibly work out long term. she says have youre fun now but theres not going to be a future with this guy. =\ my dad and the rest of my family do not know anything.

[Bella]

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars

my family is the same way. my mom knows about my poly relationship but is cynical about it and says she says it couldnt possibly work out long term. she says have youre fun now but theres not going to be a future with this guy. =\ my dad and the rest of my family do not know anything.

A lot of my family doesn't really know about the nature of my relationship, though several have met my boyfriend. The few who do know have started to treat me very differently, to the point where I don't want to be around them, especially if I'm with my boyfriend.

I called one of my closest friends on a night where I was having a rough time, missing my boyfriend a lot, and I was in tears. When I told her about my relationship she said "You need to end it" and wouldn't even talk to me about it anymore.

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by Bella

I called one of my closest friends on a night where I was having a rough time, missing my boyfriend a lot, and I was in tears. When I told her about my relationship she said "You need to end it" and wouldn't even talk to me about it anymore.

Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.

[StitchwitchD]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.

She was in tears, therefore it wasn't perfect, and people seem to assume that any problems mean the entire relationship should end.

I get really annoyed when I vent about the aspects of a relationship that aren't working, and have people assume that the entire relationship is broken and should be thrown out and replaced with a new shiny.

[Bella]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.

I think what hurt the most was that this is a friend I had known since grade school, she was as close to me as a sister, and someone I thought I could open up to about my relationship. All I really wanted was to talk to someone, to help get through a lonely night and was basically cut off because I was honest about my relationship. Our friendship has been very strained since then.

Originally posted by StitchwitchD
She was in tears, therefore it wasn't perfect, and people seem to assume that any problems mean the entire relationship should end.

I get really annoyed when I vent about the aspects of a relationship that aren't working, and have people assume that the entire relationship is broken and should be thrown out and replaced with a new shiny.

It was so hurtful because she just didn't want to hear anymore, not even the positive parts of my relationship which definitely outweigh the harder times. I think, in addition, her own dislike for the polyamory factored into her reaction; she focused on the fact that he's married, not that a friend needed someone to talk to. It felt as if she thought I was asking for her approval when all I needed was someone to listen.

[lovefromgirl]

{{{{{{{{{{{Bella}}}}}}}}}}

I always end up with an uneven number of arms on either side of the hug. Just so you know. <3

I hang around on "straight people" boards, too, not just polyamory.com. They judge cheaters and the people who help them cheat pretty harshly, but a few of us are non-monogamous by nature, so we've been teaching them the difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating. Mostly it has to do with the "ethical" part, which I'm guessing your friend isn't understanding too well right now.

What's important is that you aren't letting her dictate your values. I'm proud of you for that. I've been there; I've lost friends who thought I was hell-bound in some way or another. Those same people accused me of some nasty things in a very public place. (Those same people, ironically, spent high school getting drunk all the time, but God loves a boozer better than a queer!)

If it helps, we're here next time you have a lonely night. Stay strong and don't forget that your username means "beautiful", 'kay?

[Bella]

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl

{{{{{{{{{{{Bella}}}}}}}}}}

I always end up with an uneven number of arms on either side of the hug. Just so you know. <3

I hang around on "straight people" boards, too, not just polyamory.com. They judge cheaters and the people who help them cheat pretty harshly, but a few of us are non-monogamous by nature, so we've been teaching them the difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating. Mostly it has to do with the "ethical" part, which I'm guessing your friend isn't understanding too well right now.

What's important is that you aren't letting her dictate your values. I'm proud of you for that. I've been there; I've lost friends who thought I was hell-bound in some way or another. Those same people accused me of some nasty things in a very public place. (Those same people, ironically, spent high school getting drunk all the time, but God loves a boozer better than a queer!)

If it helps, we're here next time you have a lonely night. Stay strong and don't forget that your username means "beautiful", 'kay?

Ah, hugs are always appreciated - even the lopsided one And thank you for your message (((lovefromgirl)))

It's interesting that I should be in the relationship I'm in at this point in my life. I think most people spend their teens and twenties searching for who they are and I definitely did a lot of that during those time periods in my life. But I also spent a lot of time around family and friends who seem to be very comfortable in living the way that they always have. Of course there's nothing wrong with that and if makes them happy, I wish them the best. But I feel like I've changed so much, that I want to truly live life and welcome change rather than fear it. The true realization of that really didn't hit me until I met my boyfriend, right as I was about to turn 30.

I was raised very traditionally, went to Catholic school through high school and basically hung out with the same friends through grade school. I live in the same town I lived in when I grew up. I look at those friends and they're all following the same path, they've all followed what we were all taught we we were supposed to do. And I followed that same path for so long but then just couldn't do it anymore. I think my leaving that path, my being in a relationship that challenges everything they've been taught, is disappointing to them. But I just can't live my life according to their rules anymore.

It's sad that this will mean that most of those relationships will become strained but I can't help but look forward to all that I will gain.

[redsirenn]

Hi Bella -
I enjoy reading your posts. They remind me alot of how I feel at times. Thanks for sharing.
RS