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  #11  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:12 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Just to clarify, this is the first time you have posted that you are in a D/s relationship. So that's probably why people had issues with some of the boundaries you and yoru husband have. Without the D/s context there will be different opinions.

As far as the 'get a dog' comment. I stick by it. I didn't say that YOU shouldn't submit to your husband or are his pet. What I said, if you stop and read it, is that what you are putting forward for this new person, SO FAR, reads more like an ad for a puppy. Someone to love your husband and be home for him when you aren't, to love you and be home for you when he's not. This post above is the FIRST TIME you have ever mentioned anything about wanting to be supportive of someone else's hopes and dreams.

I am glad that you recognize that the person you may want to be with may want things for themselves that have nothing to do with being available for you two when lonely and to accept and give love. As I tried to state, if what you want is a third, you will do better finding them if you are more careful on how you phrase things, be aware of how others will view your posts.

Your posts to date have read more one sided. More what we want from her and offering in return, love and a home. Which while great things, are not enough for a relationship. Only for a puppy. What if the new woman wants to move for work? Start taking classes full time and iS NOT able to be home for you two when you are lonely? What if she travels a lot? What if when she isn't traveling she doesn't want to be around others and needs more time to just herself? Many introverts do?


TL;DR 1) be aware of all the possibilities so you can be appropriately flexible and prepared.
2) Couples looking for a third are plentiful and often not saying anything new. If you want someone to take you seriously, be aware of what you are asking for and HOW you are asking it.


Believe it or not, it's not a prejudice. I personally don't want a ready made family of poly. However, for those that do, you have a daunting task ahead of you. See all those crashed bikes at the bottom of the stairs? The couples before you. See the people posting to you? Those same couples or those people that saw the couples crash their bikes. They are hoping by telling you "Hey this is how my bike crashed and was totalled!" You may not have such a bad wreck yourself.
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  #12  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:24 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Ry
I guess it all would depend on the person and her wants and needs. As I stated before K and I are very go with the flow type of people and we do not wish to make anyone feel as if they are intruding on something. We have talked about her possibly going on trips with him or I and as for her and him spending time romanticly together when Im not around. Not onlly do I not mind I would encourage it.
I guess I was hoping since K and I are so solid and being that way has taken hard work that the person who would be willing to come into our life would feel like she has a solid starting point. Maybe Im wrong in feeling this way but I never want anyone we are with to feel like a third wheel or unwanted. I want an equal not someone that feels beneath me in any way. Maybe we are looking for a unicorn or a diamond in the ruff.. either way I hope we are able to find her. Thanks for your post
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  #13  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:34 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzygirl2412 View Post
Ry
I guess it all would depend on the person and her wants and needs. As I stated before K and I are very go with the flow type of people and we do not wish to make anyone feel as if they are intruding on something. We have talked about her possibly going on trips with him or I and as for her and him spending time romanticly together when Im not around. Not onlly do I not mind I would encourage it.
I guess I was hoping since K and I are so solid and being that way has taken hard work that the person who would be willing to come into our life would feel like she has a solid starting point. Maybe Im wrong in feeling this way but I never want anyone we are with to feel like a third wheel or unwanted. I want an equal not someone that feels beneath me in any way. Maybe we are looking for a unicorn or a diamond in the ruff.. either way I hope we are able to find her. Thanks for your post
It is impossible to plan for this kind of thing. It literally requires that person to already be in your lives and vocalising what it is that she wants or needs.

That is not unreasonable to desire someone who is secure enough in herself to feel comfortable and like she is not intruding on what has been established. It still takes adjustment, non-stop communication, and sometimes even checkpoints. Checking to make sure everyone is okay, needs are getting met, and a general gauge of feelings.

Is it impossible to find? Absolutely not. The thing with triads, which is what it sounds like you might want, is that they have to happen naturally. You could very well walk outside of your home right now and meet someone, but what if she is only interested in you right now and not your husband? With the whole D/S situation, how do you think that would work out? Would he be okay with someone only wanting to be with you? Keep in mind that she could very well decide in months or years that, "Hey. I want to get to know K on a deeper level." Thus, the beginning of a triad. Let's say that never happens. Would he be willing to find someone else for himself? Like I said when we ask questions, it is because some of us have been where you are. The general idea is to prevent a wreck of a situation from happening to that person, so we talk about where we went wrong in our various situations, in an attempt to stop others from making the same mistakes.

Ry
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  #14  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:59 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I stand by what I said too. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I am not going to sugar coat things for you.

I am currently sitting back and watching the triad in the center of my husbands tribe collapse upon itself right now. A married couple brought in an elusive unicorn well low and behold it is not ending well. They are go with the flow people too. Yeah that bit them in the arse. Now there is an unplanned pregnancy due to birth control failure. The unicorn has evolved into a cowgirl and the tribe (a bsdm social group) is stuck choosing sides. I am vanilla as the day is long so I have no involvement with the group other than in friendly passing.

Go to the relationship issue section of this forum and do some reading. Read of the heart breaks from triad issues. I have known a few to work but for every one of those there is 5 more that ended badly.

I am personally in vee relationship with myself as a hinge. I will be the first one to give you the dirty not so nice parts of my lifestyle. I have two men whose needs, time, expectations, and desires I have to take into consideration. It is a lot of work. I haven't even gotten into the social aspects. Society isn't exactly isn't very open minded. It is not an easy path to walk.

One thing I appreciate about this forum is the fact people will call you onto the carpet. Trust me I got it when I discussed my discomfort with my husbands heteroflexibilty. You know what I appreciate the comments now.
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2013, 10:02 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Ry
To be honest with you, I never thought of the idea of her wanting to be with me and not him. Maybe thats why it is good I joined the forum. Im not sure how I would be.. Real good food for thought but also like you said until we meet her, we will never know what it is that she wants.
He and I have discussed, what if she wants children, how would we handle it. We have our kids. He says he is done and I think our door should stay open, only because if we love her then i think it would be important to consider her needs....So many different questions have ran through our minds on how we would react to different scenerio's but I guess until we are there we will never know.
I just hope everyone on here understands that we are not looking for someone to just fufill our wants and needs we are two people with enough love and room in our lives to support someone elses wants and needs also.
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  #16  
Old 04-13-2013, 10:06 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Oh I get you have good intentions. What I am trying to say is those intentions are fine and dandy but not always reality.

You want someone who with just going to magically fit into this ideal fantasy you both are creating. Unfortunately life doesn't cooperate that way.
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  #17  
Old 04-13-2013, 10:10 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Vixtoria
This is the first time I have ever joined a forum, first time I have ever considered wanting another person in our relationship. I am generally a very private person and I normally dont share much online or otherwise. So I am sorry if I am not completely forth right with all of the information, that is not my intention.
Im not even sure if either he or I have any idea what we are doing. Yes it sounds like a great idea but at the same time after reading different post I feel kind of selfish.
There seem to be lots more for him and I to talk about before we actually start looking.
thanks for your words of wisdom
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  #18  
Old 04-13-2013, 10:14 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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I am not blind to the things that can possibly go wrong. I am just willing to try and hope we find someone that is willing to try also. Not just hoping to find someone to fit into our life, hoping to find someone that is willing to fit us into hers also. It is give and take just like any other relationship.
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  #19  
Old 04-14-2013, 12:33 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Things like disagreements over children could pose an issue. You said that he is done having children, but you believe the door should stay open because of this third person. You sound like you want to seek someone who might want to have children, but it is his biological right to not provide his half of the DNA needed for any supposed children. This is something that needs to be talked about now.

I know that you are just figuring out things, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. I guarantee that we will all answer honestly.

I advise you both to talk, talk, and talk some more. When you open relationship, there is no turning back. It will never go back to the way it was even if you decide to close it and continue being monogamous. You both need to be on the same page. I would encourage him to join on here as well and ask questions, too. Keep reading the various threads. The Lifestyle and Blogs section is an excellent place to really get an idea of what you might be getting into.

Why do you feel selfish? I am not going to lie to you. It is hard work, and anybody trying it has their work cut out. Even the seasoned people still have their work cut out. No two relationships or experiences will ever be the same.

To give you an idea of what a triad would encompass--relationships wise--is as follows:

you + K (alone time/romantic time/bonding/intimacy)
you + her (" ")
K + her (" ")
K + you + her (You all have to communicate.)

That covers the adults. Those relationships all need time, nurturing, effort, and energy. You cannot combine them into one big relationship because no relationships grow at the same rate. Your core relationship with K is just one piece to the poly puzzle.

You mentioned that you have children. I do not know how old they are, but I am going to assume they are under 18. If not, then this would not apply totally.

you + your children (mum/children time)
K + your children (father/children time)
you + K + your children (family time)
you + K + her + the children (poly family time--if that is what is desired by all)
the children + her (If you and K decide that you want her to be involved in their lives, and if she would want to be involved as an aunt or something type of role. Your children may/may not want to be around her. That is their right.)

The number of relationships increases with the number of people, so let's say this person had children. You would have to add them to the polymath, too.

It is not impossible, and it is quite a bit of information to process. It is hard, but it can be done if handled right. This forum is really good, and even if you take nothing from the threads, there are plenty of links to articles, websites that make for excellent reading material, etc. It is good to read about jealousy, time management, and anything that will affect you during this journey. Once again, I do wish you good luck. It is an interesting journey, and most would say it is rewarding. Feel free to ask questions if you stumble upon something of interest.


-Ry
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  #20  
Old 04-14-2013, 02:44 AM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Its not that I want to seek someone that wants to have children but realisticly speaking if we were to find someone who didnt have children and may one day want children, it would be unfair to close that door on her. I think I am the more open minded one in this then him. Besides I havent been able to have children for quite some time and all mine are grown up. Wouldnt be a horrible thought to have an itsty bitsy baby in the house.
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