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  #1611  
Old 02-24-2013, 03:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Why would you break the bond with Mono if he found another gf? miss pixi and I are bonded, this doesn't change no matter whom I date or whom she dates. We've been together 4 years. Men have come and gone from my life in those years. She's stayed consistent. It wouldve served no purpose to break or even lessen my bond.

Ginger has been with me a year now, it's the real deal, love, and still miss pixi and I are deeply bonded.

Unless you mean you are co dependent with Mono and it is unhealthy, the bond or dependence. In that case, change things now. You don't need to wait til if and when he finds another serious gf.
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  #1612  
Old 02-24-2013, 06:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Why would you break the bond with Mono if he found another gf?

Unless you mean you are co dependent with Mono and it is unhealthy, the bond or dependence. In that case, change things now. You don't need to wait til if and when he finds another serious gf.
Our bond would be lessened for me for a time while we adjust to someone new in our lives. I guess I figure it might be a way for me to cope and would give me an opportunity to do some of my own things. Kind of a "putting on hold" and waiting to see if he can accomplish two relationships at once.

I will endevour to follow the lead of those who have gone before me and remind myself that just because his fascination is elsewhere does not mean he doesn't love me and want me in his life. I've not had to experience this with Mono before and haven't had to with my other loves for quite some time. Its making me feel that I won't be capable of handling that kind of change so I guess I am preparing.

People don't come and go in and out of our lives very often. I am completely out of practice with that and it has meant that ya, I have a level of dependence that has developed over time. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing... its a comfortable thing and I worry that I am to comfortable. Being comfortable is uncomfortable as it usually follows with being off my guard and slammed into discomfort by something I had not considered. Maybe its stupid to "prepare" as it could very well be that the discomfort that comes in life might come from something unrelated to anything I am thinking it will anyway.

It feels strange to talk about it as I am experiencing a second round of NRE with Mono at the moment (I've not really lost it, just lessened in time) and it seems to be something that could very well be far into the future. I am not being naive this time though and opting for the less co-dependent monogamous within a poly relationship version. If that makes sense.

Thanks for writing Mags. You always make me think and point out stuff about my life that others are likely thinking and not mentioning. I'm glad for the opportunity to think more deeply even if some times that is uncomfortable.
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  #1613  
Old 03-08-2013, 07:19 AM
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I have a few things to write about but little time these days... or desire. One is about poly people being like musicians and sex between people being anything from a jam session to a well rehearsed symphony. The differences in poly people is as vast as there are types of music.

The other is about recent thoughts on heirarchy and how it is possible to own the word and associated words such as primary and secondary without the negative connotations associated with it.

I've been thinking also of following Derby's lead and creating my "me manual." A list of things about me that would aid a new relationship or even remind and inform an old one.

There isn't much to note right now other than lots of settling and readjusting. I'm finding myself thinking about Mono's possibly dating and have noted the shift in how I feel about him and our relationship. Its not necessarily negative or less than what I thought before but I am seperate from him in a way I wasn't before. I seem to of drifted. I try not to think about it and find in some moments that I am quite happy getting out of our relationship what I will. Often I simply exist with him. That feeling of a magic connection gone. I am glad we had that for a long time. I'm fine still and I am happy but I have my moments of missing it and anger with him that he took it away. He says I took it from him long ago and he has been wondering why he is with me ever since. That also makes me feel sad and ashamed of my nature. He doesn't put it on me. I do that. I am just hard on myself sometimes because of it.

I think that this winter has been about depression as a result. I am struggling to connect with anyone and finding I don't care. Introspection can do that I suppose. It also comes from a state of feeling that I would be better off hybernating than connecting. I have noticed that in not caring what people think of me or not caring if I am liked that quite often I am able to rise above that and feel the freedom of being vulnerable and on my own without care. Its a feeling that has manifested in much self love and coziness with myself but it doesn't last as I feel very disconnected that way.

Spring plans abound for the garden this year. We've had the arborist in and the men have dug up a new plot for veggies. The compost is turned and ready to go we just need some sea wees and horse manure to dig in and let that decompose. I'm very excited.

This weekend we are going to a local ski hill to relax as a family. We thought of inviting Brad and his family but the place is small and even though they might have only one kid, we thought it might be too much. A family vacation sounds about perfect to me anyway.
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  #1614  
Old 03-08-2013, 06:02 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Have been reading your posts with a mix of admiration and sadness these days; going through this seems to be so hard on you, and I see you really struggling to find peace with feelings of abandoment and betrayal. It's mind-blowingly hard to try and let go of someone that you love as deeply as you seem to love Mono, and I can really identify with the anger and sadness that you appear to be experiencing. You are such a generous and vivacious soul from everything that I can see, and it makes me sad to see you struggling. Despite the fact that it isn't easy, I also see you doing your best to find joy, make peace within yourself, reconnect with self, and be present to yourself. I have a lot of respect for you RP, and just wanted to let you know that.
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  #1615  
Old 03-08-2013, 06:56 PM
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Of course, we only know what you tell us, but this latest development:

Quote:
That feeling of a magic connection gone. I am glad we had that for a long time. I'm fine still and I am happy but I have my moments of missing it and anger with him that he took it away. He says I took it from him long ago and he has been wondering why he is with me ever since.
...sounds like just the NRE has worn off and things have gotten real at last. It's been what, four years for you two, and this "magic connection" has been in flux for what, a year or so, give-or-take? That sounds about right for NRE, perhaps yours lasted longer than most (6 months - 2 years average, they say?). To me as an observer who doesn't spend time with the two of you and cannot observe your body language, etc. your mood comes across as someone who just ran out of happy-pills and is going through a post-drug-withdrawal depression. That is what it is, isn't it? NRE gives you the "high" of endorphins and when it's taken away you feel pretty shitty. I don't know what your brain chemistry is like, but maybe you can transfer that effect from person to person, maybe not. It doesn't seem like you have/had that same intensity with your other recent partners, but perhaps you did and I just didn't read up on that part.
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  #1616  
Old 03-11-2013, 06:17 AM
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I think in part, you have it right BorinGuy. No more happy pills for me. What I am finding however is that the happy is coming from within me again and it makes me want to be alone and on my own. A scary prospect with several relationships on the go. I seem to have this "I don't care what people think and therefore am able to make myself more vulnerable as a result" thing going on lately. Its easier to be out there and authentic when I don't care what others think! I'm loving it. Its given me courage to be me and accept that I don't know anything and neither does anyone else. I am living in the moment and leaning into my emotions within that.

I did have a relapse this weekend though. We had a great time away on our family vacation but we went and visited Mono's friend before we left. She got me so many treats from her trip and was really glad to see me. I sorta felt she was trying to win me over some how and didn't know why and of course read into that, but I now think that she just likes me and wants to be my friend. Mono got nothing...

I got triggered because as we were leaving she said to him she'd see him next week and I wasn't aware of the plan they had. It brought me back to last fall when he was making plans with women behind my back. I managed to talk myself out of this trigger also and told myself that it isn't my business what his plans are and that I can trust he will tell me if something is getting romantic for him.

It took awhile for me to do this and I aim to get better than that but my new found "I don't care what people think" thing helped me through to no end. I managed to use some of the skills I taught myself last fall; grounded myself, went inward and focused on me and what I am doing. It made me able to see that it doesn't matter what anyone does or thinks. All that matters is what I do and think. It really is true, perspective is everything. Sometimes it feels like detachment. Sometimes it feels HEALTHY.

Thanks for you kind words BaggagePatrol. I am grateful to hear them. I feel like a battered warrior, but I will be okay. *hugs*
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  #1617  
Old 03-21-2013, 12:35 AM
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Last week Brad didn't tell me he had been spending time with someone we both know in our community. They were getting their kids together regularly and he wasn't letting me know. Last I heard he was going with his wife, for the first time, to visit with her and her husband and their kids.

Derby was the first to let me know that I might like to know that he was going on a date with her. He had been waiting to tell me on our coffee date but the cat got out of the bag when she spread the news to everyone she knew that he had asked her out for dinner. Derby, bless her, was worried that it was all getting out of control and took it into her own hands and told him he better get around to telling me or I would lose my mind if I heard it anywhere else than from him. He explained to her his plan and she disagreed with the approach and told me anyway.

I was grateful to know and empathized with how that might of made her feel to have to not only hold on to that, but to have to tell me when he wasn't. I don't know their conversation but I imagine it might of been a bit awkward. Maybe they will tell me about that one day, but for now I don't know how that went down.

So I texted him and got right to it; "What happened that you got to this point and I am hearing about it now?!"

It turned out that he thought her interesting and wondered about her. He wanted to see what she was like alone and thought nothing more of it other than "hmmmm, perhaps?" He thought he would tell me when I got home from the short trip I was on, in person.

I don't like "in person" stuff. I prefer to get a text or a phone call so that I can gather myself and find some composure when faced with hard emotional stuff. I am not one of those that like to be dumped in person. I would rather know its coming and then meet. He's got that now.

So what was at the bottom of this is that we need to spend more time working on us, that he is completely happy with his two lovely ladies and that he doesn't want a third. I complained that I don't get asked out for dinner and actually make all, if not most of our plans together. I would like to be asked to participate in his life! I was feeling left out while he and my gf go to crossfit together, their kids have sleep overs, they go out for dinner and do stuff with all kinds of people in our community and I don't seem to be on the radar.

Okay, I lead a quiet life that is quite self absorbed lately, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be asked! This has happened before and its now happened again. Its happened a lot, actually, in my life. I'm an oversight somehow. I guess I'm a bit of a challenge. That is what I am guessing.

So now he isn't going on "the date" and asked me to spend time with him and his family and to go out for dinner. Yay me! I'm thrilled on many levels as I didn't really want to deal with this woman as a metamour and I get lots of lovin time. And I am considered. All I need to remember to do in return is tell him I care, love him, am available to him and that I intend to be in his life, when he asks, for a very long time. He needed to know that, trust that, and in our reconnecting and making up, he had lots of that.
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  #1618  
Old 03-27-2013, 06:56 AM
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I was concerned that the woman Brad asked out would think that I vetoed her. I figured she would be hurt that he changed his mind but I wondered if she would be hurt and possibly pissed off at the assumption that she was vetoed by me and my metamour. It turned out she was.

I spent some time with her last night at a social event and it seemed evident that she was hurt and apprehensive about where she stands with me and my metamour. Thankfully Brad went and saw her today armed with the knowledge that I was concerned about how she would feel and that I was concerned that she didn't have a place in our community and especially the women's community here. He did a great job of reassuring her and letting her know that he made the decision and that we had not done it for him. He decided what he would do and let her know that the two of us would of rose to the occasion to welcome and accept her as best we could. He hadn't brought it up with us first and he let her know that he should of planned his asking her out better.

I am hoping that she felt more confident after that and understands that it wasn't a personal thing towards her. He got a bit of a scolding from her for not having talked to us first. Something he also added that he let her know he dropped the ball on.

I feel as if we got over a hump lately because of this situation. I wasn't feeling connected or that he understood his importance in my life and now I see that he does. I am not entirely sure that he is finished with the whole thing forever, but at least I feel confident that he will let me know if his feelings start up for her.
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  #1619  
Old 04-12-2013, 07:42 PM
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I took some time off from writing as there wasn't much going on but wouldn't you know it, just when I thought that, lots of stuff happened and I didn't have time. I tried to take a week off from the forum too and the same thing... ha!

Mono started in with his flirting with women again and I lost my mind again. I guess the wounds are too fresh and I think that every woman he is seeing behind my back still or engaging in sexting conversations. At the same time with this going on he went on a long coffee with his female friend. He was suppose to be back at a certain time to do an errand and wasn't. I went on the errand instead. I was angry and felt as if the boundaries were pushed again. It took me right back to where I was a few months ago about the women he has in his life.

I wish I could let it go. I know I will with time. He asks me to let it go and reassures me that nothing is going on and he is sticking to our agreements, but I am uncomfortable with his words and think he is lying. I don't want to, but I am not over it all yet I guess. When he tells me what he says to the women in his life I cringe with the creepiness of it all. I own that. Its me who sees his flirts as creepy because I would be creeped out if I got that from a guy on line. I am uncomfortable with him having confirmed his position with his friend too even if she's not free and he isn't interested in being fully poly. I just wonder where its going, try not to wonder, get wrapped up in my lingering pain, try to let it go and cycle like that constantly.

PN asked someone out! Its been almost two years and he has found someone he would like to invest time in. She asked if she could meet all of us first. I thought this was an interesting way of going about dating, but was touched by the gesture that she was considering all of us as people she could have in her life.

So she came to dinner. It was a night of nervous tension and laughter, but it went well, according to PN. He seemed to think that it was a smooth night and that a date will follow. We all wait with anticipation of their planning a date. To me the night was odd. I think I am not used to just sitting there while he does all the work. Its usually me or all of us as its usually my partners that come over. Or our guests together.
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  #1620  
Old 04-12-2013, 07:49 PM
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I am finding myself immersed in the poly world on line again these days and its crossing over into my personal life. Life seems full of poly these days at a time when I have lost a sense of what poly is. I am finding myself pushing the parameters of what poly is on line and in my mind. The lines are particularly blurry for me these days and I realize that there might be a shift going on for me from what I used to feel was my poly and what new insights are doing to make a change in me. I guess that's life and I will see where it all goes. My concern is that I will lose some friends and create some enemies as I am being more open with my point of view and less concerned with what people think.

Along with the shift of what my poly means to me I find that I have been shifting in other ways too. I am having realizations about myself and have noticed that I am coming into a new phase with what I do in my work life also. I took shop steward training with the union at my work and it seems to be one more open door of possibility. I am shifting slowly into what I hope will be work as a mediator, counselor, mentor, relationship counselor or something. I feel something coming and each step and door that opens towards it I am taking.

In my mind I am working on my abandonment issues intently. I am done with feeling as if I will never find a heart home and modifying my cognitive pathways to go against that belief I have. I have exclaimed to my partners that they and their families are my heart home. I have thought and talked about them as having their own heart homes and that each of us over laps but has a different experience of that. All of the people who are my heart home are important and come first and its those relationships I nurture above others.

I am also beginning to re-tell myself the history of my childhood in order to move past the lack of trust I have around being abandoned. Along with really sinking my teeth into trusting my heart home I am choosing to believe that I really wasn't abandoned at all.

Story: When I was about 5 months old I was left with some neighbors for six weeks. My dad was away working, as he did every summer, and my mum had to go into hospital. My parents were immigrants and had no family. My mum had no choice than to leave me with a neighbor friend she trusted. I was breast fed at the time (unusually long time for the early 70's where they lived) and was taken off the breast, put on a bottle, left to cry it out in a crib in a bedroom with the door shut, in a apartment of people I didn't know. I was never the same again after the experience. According to my mother.

Years passed and the experience faded, but left its mark. What made it worse, I have come to realize lately, is that my parents, especially my mother, drilled into my head that we were an immigrant family and only had each other. We weren't able to fully trust anyone to be there for us and had to be self sustaining. Add this to my having abandoned (in my baby mind) and it settled in that I will never be able to fully trust anyone to stay with me and when I find that I do, they will always leave and so I must protect myself at all cost and pull away at any sign of being left.

My friend just came back from being a volunteer at an orphanage in an African country. I was heart broken looking at her photographs and found I couldn't where my other friends were fine with it. She explained to me that in the culture she was in they see orphans differently. Everyone raises them. It takes the whole community to fill them with love and belonging and to make them feel they are secure within the whole community. I realized that I have to start thinking of myself this way. The little girl inside of me has to realize that I can be loved and belong to the whole of my heart home family and it will be okay. If that changes then others will fold in and I will always be loved and belong.

I am working from these thoughts to create a whole new brain inside my head. One that will not allow myself to be afraid and traumatized when I find myself alone for too long. Cross your fingers for me?!

I feel as if the poly I am is based entirely on my insecurity, need to belong, fear and hoarding of partners in order to maintain my fucked up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall with one person walking away simply to carry on with their lives. How's that for being fucked up.

At least I admit it.

Thing is I love my partners with all my heart and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stick by me through the work I have to do only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do in its entirety.
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