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  #1  
Old 04-11-2013, 03:24 AM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Kenny and I have known each other for 19 years. We are a fun couple and very secure in our relationship. We recently have been exploring the possiblity of bringing another woman into the picture. Not someone for just fun but someone to add to us. Neither of us are very sure how this works, but we both agree, three is better than two.
I would love some input from anyone on where we go from here, now that we have made this major decission??
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:35 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I would suggest reading other threads first.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830


Are links to lots of great ones. You may also want to really stop and think about what you are looking for and how it will work. NOT just for you two, but a third person who is a human being and if nothing else, put yourself in their position. Too many times a couple comes on thinking a third would be great. From your POV it's all, "Hey we are a great couple, we'd treat her great, it would be all warm fuzzies!"

Now look at it as a single woman being approached to be brought into an existing relationship. "They are the couple, I'm just there when they want me and am constantly unsure of my position as it is just as a third wheel to THEIR relationship."

It's common for couples to think this is the easiest and best way to advance. While it's entirely possible for three to be in a relationship you need to do much much more reading on poly and consider how what you are saying will come across to a stranger. Reading here will show you most people, not at all happy about being asked to be 'brought into' an existing relationship. Most of us, kind of looking for our own relationships. Not to be a fun add on to someone else's.
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:51 PM
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Lizzy
I completely agree with what Vixtoria has said here. My family is an extremely happy and healthy triad that has been through MUCH in the past 5 years yet we persevere and remain great friends and happy lovers to this very day. I am the husband and my wives have been together for 10 or so years prior to my being a part of the picture. The three of us have been very close friends for almost 17 years...but even so it was very hard for me to not feel like a side dish when we were all together and to feel like I was intruding on them. It is a fine line that takes much compromise, understanding and love to walk and eventually work through. I would recommend bringing someone into your relationship with the understanding that no matter how careful these feelings will likely crop up at done point or another and they are very hard for that person to bring up- be mindful of this.
"Who am I make such an assumption that I deserve an equal role when I am the one who has just arrived in this relationship?".... Tis a conversation I used to have many times over in the beginning.
Best wishes and I hope that your endeavors to find this new relationship bring you feat happiness.

M
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:53 PM
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Feat = great... Sorry stupid iPhone autocorrect.
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
It's common for couples to think this is the easiest and best way to advance. While it's entirely possible for three to be in a relationship you need to do much much more reading on poly and consider how what you are saying will come across to a stranger. Reading here will show you most people, not at all happy about being asked to be 'brought into' an existing relationship. Most of us, kind of looking for our own relationships. Not to be a fun add on to someone else's.
I would also add that you need to understand that you need to understand a person may come along who only falls for one of you. Or either you or our husband falls for but not the other. How are you going to handle that? Are you prepared for the backlash?
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:40 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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My husband and I both work on the road, sometimes apart other times together. We get a lot of "road time" to talk about these things.
Our discussion today did include "what if we both dont like her"?? or what if she "only likes one of us". In some ways I think we both have a little different idea of what we are looking for but one of the things we both agree on is that he and I are both very go with the flow type personalities and both very non confrontational and I think that is our only expectation of someone else that chooses to come into our life.
We havent really started looking yet, we are both trying to do our research and make sure how ever this happens we are prepared for anything. In 19years he and I have never said a bad word to each other, I think that is my biggest worry. Will our dynamic change with someone else in the picture.
Hoping who ever comes into our lives, we make her feel as comfortable with us and we do with each other.
High Hopes!!
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:45 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Your dynamic will of course change. You will have your relationship with him, his with her, yours with her, all three of you together. Things will change, that's honestly why this particular relationship model is so daunting and why women are leery of couples.

If it changes, are you willing to work out how and how to deal with it? Or just go with the easy answer of, must be the new girl, and then dump her? It seems cruel to say it that way and indeed it feels cruel to the new person trying to build a relationship with you both. However, a lot of couples will do it and with many 'good' reasons and justifications.

You've been together 19 years, I'm going to assume that at some point that meant you had to do the work to keep the relationship. Just be sure you are just as willing with someone else.
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  #8  
Old 04-12-2013, 11:55 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Im actually kind of excited about the change. Like I said before we both work on the road. Sometimes Im home, sometimes he's home, sometimes we are both home. I think " a third" would have plenty of alone time with both of us. I enjoy the thought of him sharing time with a fun loving person, just like I enjoy the thought of me sharing time with a fun loving person.
K is pretty level headed and express his discontent quite well. I dont see us just dumping anyone. At least not without giving it some serious thought and I am hoping that this person will get to know both of us befriend us both before deciding what she would like to do.
And yes 19 years had been some work and a lot of give and take....
One of my favorite things that I think keeps us going is his ability to know when to say "talk to me" and mean it!!
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:07 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Your dynamic will change big time.

What if your "third" can't stand you. But your husband is head over heals with her. And she for him. Are you going to be ok with that? What if she wants all of his time and your husband gets all caught up in NRE that he focuses on her.

Are you two willing to date other people without involving the other?

What if you fall for another man is that allowed?

I go on and on.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 04-13-2013 at 03:26 AM.
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  #10  
Old 04-13-2013, 11:27 AM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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he has to work with me...lol
My husband and I have a very unique relationship. I hope we do find someone that falls head over heals for him and him for her. As for me feeling pushed out, I dont see that happening, that is where Trust comes in. I trust him with every part of me and that is not a concern.
Am I willing to date other people?? Never!! He would never allow that nor would I ever even consider it.
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