#11
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Hi juanvaldez76,
Welcome to our forum. Re (from Post #1): Quote:
You and K need to get some more of your connection back. It is the responsibility of both of you to try to make that happen, to break that vicious cycle. I hope you can talk and get some things worked out. I know this isn't the dynamic you originally planned on. You originally expected more of a threesome situation. But, sometimes things turn out differently than we expect. Perhaps you can negotiate some kind of compromise. K gets some of what she wants; you get some of what you want. You have to both be willing to give a little in order to get a little. You need good communication. You both need to be good talkers, and good listeners. You need to express your concerns without blame, and be willing to hear her concerns without thought of retaliation. As you continue to post and read on this site, it will help give you more ideas of what to do. I am certainly pulling for you, as I can hear that this is a difficult time for you. Regards, Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!" |
#12
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Thanks Kevin
![]() We have been communicating and finding this site helped... we have talked about ways of getting that feeling back so hopefully we are now on the right track.
__________________
Me: 36 yo married male K: my 34 yo wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years M: K's 30 yo bf |
#13
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Hi Juan,
That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that? Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy. Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover. Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex. Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive? OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley Mags (poly, F, 62) Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009 Kahlo (poly-curious, M, 45) my bf since August 2017 Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013 |
#14
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![]() and I think it's been hard to show me gratitude when I haven't exactly been the most supportive person I could have been.... it was difficult at the start to accept that she wanted to be intimate with someone else without me being involved and that lead to talk of separation.... but we are passed that now and I'm trying to deal with feelings and insecurities as they arise in a positive way instead of freaking out and getting hurt.
__________________
Me: 36 yo married male K: my 34 yo wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years M: K's 30 yo bf |
#15
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-elle |
#16
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Thanks for the support elle
![]() I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess ![]()
__________________
Me: 36 yo married male K: my 34 yo wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years M: K's 30 yo bf |
#17
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Me: 43 straight male in a V with Kay - mono female - married 20 years Txgirl - 2 year relationship |
#18
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I do think you could go nuts in your head not being there but if she's having a 'real' relationship with him then they do need some time. ![]()
__________________
-elle |
#19
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__________________
The world opens up... when you do.
"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry "Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted. |
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