New and confused

[kdt26417]

Hi juanvaldez76,
Welcome to our forum.

Re (from Post #1):

"I have had my ups and downs dealing with this ... I know that being with him makes her very happy and has helped take away the depression and loneliness feelings that she had before and I really like that ... but then the thought of them being intimate in a way that I'm not involved in makes me hurt and sometimes jealous ... especially since we have had some very rocky times recently while I was trying to adapt to this new reality and we have become more distant with each other due to me freaking out and her not knowing if I'm going to stay or leave ... so much so where although we get along great in most aspects of our lives together, our sex life has suffered because she has lost a lot of that 'connection' feeling with me."

Sounds like a vicious cycle. You feel insecure and freak out, which puts a damper on your physical intimacy with K, which possibly adds to you feeling insecure, and then soon you freak out again, and the vicious cycle continues.

You and K need to get some more of your connection back. It is the responsibility of both of you to try to make that happen, to break that vicious cycle. I hope you can talk and get some things worked out. I know this isn't the dynamic you originally planned on. You originally expected more of a threesome situation. But, sometimes things turn out differently than we expect.

Perhaps you can negotiate some kind of compromise. K gets some of what she wants; you get some of what you want. You have to both be willing to give a little in order to get a little.

You need good communication. You both need to be good talkers, and good listeners. You need to express your concerns without blame, and be willing to hear her concerns without thought of retaliation.

As you continue to post and read on this site, it will help give you more ideas of what to do. I am certainly pulling for you, as I can hear that this is a difficult time for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

[juanvaldez76]

Thanks Kevin

We have been communicating and finding this site helped... we have talked about ways of getting that feeling back so hopefully we are now on the right track.

[Magdlyn]

Hi Juan,

That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that?

Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy.

Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover.

Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex.

Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive?

OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?

[juanvaldez76]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Hi Juan,

That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that?

Not so much anymore... when I was younger (before I met my wife) I had very low self-confidence and very few female friends... my wife helped get me out of my shell so to speak and I began noticing and flirting with other women as my confidence grew... always online though as I had no interest in an actual physical encounter... K knew what I was doing and didn't mind so long as it wasn't in her face

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy.

I would like to meet him one day and yes, we had originally intended for this to be an MFM sexual situation... and I think there is a possibility of that happeneing but only if I get my feelings under control and she realizes that the thought of her and him doesn't bother me... and truth be told if I was there participating or watching, it wouldn't be. I've seen videos of them doing sexual things and being intimate and that doesn't bother me at all... for some reason it's only the parts that I don't get to see and even then only sometimes...

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover.

We did it because we wanted to get away from the sardine-can-type houses we had been in for the last 10 years, buy a single house we could afford, and plus she had grown up in the country. She has friends but the majority of them work... our original intention had been to have a third child soon after we moved but there were issues surrounding that and it couldn't happen.. and she originally was simply chatting to people onine in a platonic way.... this just sort of happened... she wasn't seeking another intimate relationship

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex.

I wouldn't mind one as I can see the enjoyment that my wife is having... but it's not something I feel a deep desire for... I figure if it happens I'll be open to the possibility but I'm not actively searching for one

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive?

She isn't worn out sexually... she usually has a healthy appetite... but my resentment and jealousy has been pushing her away... A few weeks back when I was more calm and accepting of the situation (it was a good week), we did start being a bit more intimate and sex could have happened but we both stopped ourselves because we felt we were still too raw emotionally and that it would have been too soon.... so I know those feelings are still there for both of us....

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?

I can totally understand how NRE can make noobs neglectful of their primaries... I was definitely feeling that at the start when she would spend hours texting him and emailing him and then not have time for me... that has gotten better in the last little while and they aren't nearly as obsessed with chatting non-stop all day.... and we do try and do more together... just with 2 kids and not a lot of extra money it becomes difficult to find the time (or babysitters).... but we have been trying

and I think it's been hard to show me gratitude when I haven't exactly been the most supportive person I could have been.... it was difficult at the start to accept that she wanted to be intimate with someone else without me being involved and that lead to talk of separation.... but we are passed that now and I'm trying to deal with feelings and insecurities as they arise in a positive way instead of freaking out and getting hurt.

[elle]

Originally Posted by juanvaldez76

I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her

I know that this would be a huge one for my partner... big hugs.

Originally Posted by evad

I do sympathize. I wish I knew what my triggers were. Some of it is that T doesn't tell me, and I wonder if she's with them when she's not available to me.

One night she spent with G and I was ok with it prior to going to sleep. However, I started waking up at 4am, and barely slept the rest of the night. I wasn't anxious but I wasn't comfortable either. Then last weekend I was a mess, but it was due to poor communication. I should still have been more understanding.

It's so helpful to 'hear' you guys talking this out.

[juanvaldez76]

Thanks for the support elle

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess

[Nox]

Originally Posted by juanvaldez76

Thanks for the support elle

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess

I'm reading Coming Out and the chapter on Jealousy is fantastic. I highly recommend the whole book.

[elle]

Originally Posted by juanvaldez76

Thanks for the support elle

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess

Isn't that funny, my DH says he gets no thrill out of watching and participating (although in the old days after enough tequila I beg to differ...) and that's fine but, lol, that is a huge turn on!! For me, anyway.

I do think you could go nuts in your head not being there but if she's having a 'real' relationship with him then they do need some time.