Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-11-2010, 06:58 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it

Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it. So my girlfriend is in town and so far it has been really wonderful. My boyfriend and I road tripped down to pick her up and we spent a lovely week traveling and just being together. But now we are back in my city and I have to go to work every day. My girlfriend is on holiday vacation from grad school and my boyfriend works form home and has a lot of control over when he works. So they get to hang out every day, and then I come home at night.

Itís not like they are spending every waking moment together, my girlfriend used to live in our city and has a lot of friends to see and people to talk to and is working on PhD applications and while my boyfriend works from home he does work and so he will be doing that.

We agreed that while I was at work was the best time for them to have sex because then I donít miss out on time with them. I have some strange issues around sex I have a problem having sex with the people I am most intimate with. When I love someone deeply and feel like they really know me all of a sudden the sex get scary for me and I just stop having it. That is hard on my partners but they try to be supportive of me while I figure it out.

But that also means that I am not having any sex. My partners are okay with me having more casual sex so that I donít feel sad and worked up all the time but I also want to trust the people Iím having sex with. The people in my life that would be safe and fun and enjoyable to have sex with arenít available to me because of a number of reasons.

So Iím getting up in the morning and sitting at my desk for 8 hours while they have sex and sleep and hang out and I guess I feel bitter about it. Iím sad that I canít seem to get my sexual desire fulfilled while they can. Iím sad that I canít hang out more with my girlfriend before she goes back to school and I feel kind of down and alone.

My sex issues often get me down I think that this situation is just throwing light on it more. I donít want to spend my whole life struggling to have a sex life with the people I love. I also donít want to ask them to limit themselves because I am having a hard time. I might if we all lived together and they saw each other all the time but as it is we go months at a time without seeing our girlfriend AND my male partner doesnít have any other sex partners so the months of not seeing her end up being pretty sexless for him. I try to be good and give him head a few times a week but I know he craves more emotional physical contact and I know being with someone (me) who has issues around that kind of contact is hard and I donít want to take away their time together.

Maybe Iím just having a pity party to the tune of ďLife isnít fairĒ but Iím feeling down and left out and trying to get a handle on those emotions so I donít bring down the rest of the time we all have together.

So like I said at the top I donít NEED anything in this moment. I donít NEED sex, or more time, or for them not to have sex. I donít NEED special treatment or consideration. But I very much WANT to have a sexual connection right now so I donít feel asÖ wellÖ fucked up. And I WANT my partners to bend over backwards to make me happy because I feel like Iím working so hard to accommodate there desires and that all sounds selfish and self centered to me. And I donít know what to do or what to ask for.

I am a very lucky person both of my partners are very giving and will listen deeply to anything I can articulate but I feel like our talking about this issue hasnít come up with any forward movement. They feel bad that there sexual connection is making my life more difficult right now they are open to anyway they could make it easier or better but they are just as out of ideas as I am.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-11-2010, 07:03 PM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456
Default

I wish i had some sort of advice for you, but unfortunately i don't. I can however offer my support. I hope all gets worked out, so all 3 of you can be happy. *hugs*
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-11-2010, 07:12 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

This does sound complicated and I want to try to tread very carefully - I have tried reading this post a couple of times and to read between the lines, but come up with different conclusions each time.

So let me ask you a blunt question - your "strange issues around sex" that you mention - is this something you wish to try to work through so that you can enjoy sex with those who are intimate to you, or is it something that you want to make adjustments in your life to allow for?

It does sound like whichever way you go, you are in a very supportive atmosphere to tackle either. That is a blessing, for sure.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-11-2010, 08:32 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

So let me ask you a blunt question - your "strange issues around sex" that you mention - is this something you wish to try to work through so that you can enjoy sex with those who are intimate to you, or is it something that you want to make adjustments in your life to allow for?
I very much want to be in a better place about sex. I believe I can be, I just donít know how. Iím trying to find a therapist but Iím sort of scared of that. I feel like this is an issue that is going to cause a lot of pain and hard times before it gets better and I havenít done my best to pursue therapy because of that. I am trying to change that. Iím also broke as hell and most of the ďpoly friendlyĒ therapists in Seattle are people I know personally and socially which I want to avoid. So itís not a simple thing in the first place but I know I could make it happen if I was pushing more.

It is kind of horrible not to feel safe connecting sexually to the people you love the most. To watch your partners feel hurt and rejected because you have an issue that you canít figure out. To feel like you need to move away from the people you love and trust to have sex.

And on top of that I know I would feel better and less bitter and hurt if I could just have some sex. Iíve never had a problem finding sexual partners but I donít want to just go out and fuck someone I donít have any connection to. (I know that sounds like a contradiction but it isnít) And the 5 people who are the people I would like to have sex with/ know would like to have sex with me are all a) living on the other side of the country 2) married and mono 3) or there partner has issues around me personally 4) an ex who I love to have sex with but who canít just have sex without the emotional baggage and eventually gets very hurt by me, again.

Sorry that was the pity part again. Money and time prevent 1. The whole ďethicalĒ thing prevents 2, 3 and 4.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-11-2010, 08:50 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
I very much want to be in a better place about sex. I believe I can be, I just don’t know how. I’m trying to find a therapist but I’m sort of scared of that. I feel like this is an issue that is going to cause a lot of pain and hard times before it gets better and I haven’t done my best to pursue therapy because of that. I am trying to change that. I’m also broke as hell and most of the “poly friendly” therapists in Seattle are people I know personally and socially which I want to avoid. So it’s not a simple thing in the first place but I know I could make it happen if I was pushing more.
Well, for what it's worth, I don't think that you have to restrict yourself to explicitly "poly-friendly" therapists.

I have had some experience with therapists while I was working on my own issues and I found one that hadn't even heard of poly and she did a lot of volunteer work for Catholic charities. However, I showed her some online documents that I have found - a sort of "Poly 101 for Therapists" and she just clued right in on it, and seemed to understand the issues amazingly well, paraphrasing stuff back to me with the meaning even closer to what I was trying to say!

So you may have to search a little more than most, but I don't think you need to restrict yourself to that poly-friendly label. Not sure whether this helps you or not, but I don't envy you your struggle.

Going through the process is tough - unravelling all the "stuff" what you have kept inside you all the years, but it does sound like you have a support mechanism around you that will be able to metaphorically and literally hold your hand through it, so that you can come out the other side feeling like you have something resolved.

I really wish you strength, luck and eventual happiness.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-11-2010, 08:56 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I'm just throwing thoughts out there and who knows so I apologize if I am wasting space and time.

When it comes to sex with someone I love, I have a need for connection to perform. Let me be clear in my reference to connection; I don't feel it as a sliding scale for me...I am there or not. If there are any negative influences or issues I simply can't function sexually because my connection is broken in that moment.

Connection can be broken by things happening in my partner's life or in my feeling undeserving to touch the person I love because I say or do something that hurts or worries them.

I've had casual sex and one night stands where I managed to perform but it was not easy and turned me off of that activity.

Physiologically I have much more need for connection with some one I love than for some one I am essentially just getting off inside. There needs to be a sense that more than our bodies are going to touch...something deeper needs to be shared.

Is there any possibility that there might be an underlying sense that something is not quite as right with your relationship that might be generating this issue for you? Maybe it's not trust that is causing it but an unidentified concern or denial that makes you unable to have sex with those you love?

Just my thoughts
Take care
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:03 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Here's a link to my own journey around sex. Again...just putting it out there.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=493
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:19 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Thank you so much CielDuMatin. I think your right maybe I should talk to people outside the poly world. My issues with sex don't seem to be issues with poly so maybe I don't need someone who is active in the lifestyle to talk to.

MonoVCPHG, casual sex and one night stands are easy for me. I don't think it is just this relationship because it has happened in every relationship that has lasted over two years. I believe know where it comes from I was sexually molested as a kid. It's something I have mostly figured out but sex has always been something that was better when it was kinky, causal with good chemistry and mostly degrading. It sounds like you and I have opposite issues.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:25 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
Thank you so much CielDuMatin. I think your right maybe I should talk to people outside the poly world. My issues with sex don't seem to be issues with poly so maybe I don't need someone who is active in the lifestyle to talk to.
If it gives you more options and can be more affordable it may just be worth a try, yes. I didn't like to pry as to where you issues lie, but if you say that they aren't really poly-related then yes, that should make things easier.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:36 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Perhaps you could consult with some of the poly-friendly counselors you know socially and ask them to help you find a suitable therapist.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:24 PM.