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  #31  
Old 04-11-2013, 06:46 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
Want doesn't seem to be the same as a basic expectation. I mean you do have a vision of how people should treat you right? Even if it is abstract?
Erm...what?

I'm sorry. I don't think that we are having the same conversation.

"...you do have a vision of how people should treat you right?"

I DO have an idea about how people should treat other people...with respect/dignity/thoughtfulness/honesty/etc. ... but this applies equally well to random strangers and people I am in relationships with. If you don't treat me with the same level of basic humanity that I would afford to ANY RANDOM PERSON on the street -then, sure, you are not meeting my expectation of how HUMAN BEINGS should interact with each other...and we are not likely to form a "relationship" in the first place.

Being a "decent human being" is kind of a prerequisite to me wanting to even talk to someone (or be in the same room with them). It doesn't mean that I want to be their friend. And it certainly doesn't mean that I want to be in a "relationship" with them. It just means that they are not a "complete asshat".

decent human being + REALLY interesting person to talk to = friend (if mutual)
decent human being + sexual attraction = fuckbuddy (if mutual)
decent human being + REALLY interesting person to talk to + sexual attraction = "friend with benefits" (if mutual)
decent human being + REALLY interesting person to talk to + sexual attraction + indefinable-feelings-that-persist-past-NRE where their happiness seems to be a necessary to my own (which some people define as "love") = potential partner (if mutual)

So...how someone "should treat me" is a fundamental basic of being included in my life in any capacity...it is not an "expectation" for a relationship - because someone would have already passed that hurdle to even have been considered as relationship-worthy (if I was "looking for" a relationship - which I never have).

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #32  
Old 04-11-2013, 07:08 AM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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It still amazes me how many people can't grasp the basic concept due to their own insecurities and fears.
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  #33  
Old 04-11-2013, 07:10 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
There is a nothing wrong with "all together" if that is what everyone wants. The number of people who WANT to be "included" in this manner...? Dude and I had a minor skirmish over this once - he assumed that two bisexual polyamorous women who were interested in him would, of course, be interested in each other...SO not the case. You don't "include" someone in a relationship the way that you "invite" them to a party. Relationships are between individuals - they don't all grow/evolve at the same rate.

JaneQ

PS. There may be an introvert/extrovert take on my answer here. In general, I don't like people. I really don't like "groups" of people. I prefer to explore people one-on-one and "in depth".
My partner's OSO is an introvert and still seems to desire the "all together" aspect of the wider relationship. I'm an extrovert, and have very little interest in it, outside of hanging out as friends once in a while, partly since I'm the Mono one in the bunch, and partly because I'm too damned independent to lose "me" in the "us".

My partner DOES want to include the both of us, and while I try to be accommodating, I do still need to ask for things to be just us from time to time, more than his OSO does. I get tetchy when there's too much "big us" time and not enough "little us" time.
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  #34  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:44 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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My partner's OSO is an introvert and still seems to desire the "all together" aspect of the wider relationship. I'm an extrovert, and have very little interest in it, outside of hanging out as friends once in a while, partly since I'm the Mono one in the bunch, and partly because I'm too damned independent to lose "me" in the "us".
Yes, I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday as I was driving to work today. I don't actually think the introvert/extrovert thing I brought up is as relevant as it seemed when I wrote that.

I can envision why an introvert (who has different preferences than I do) would feel more comfortable creating a "chosen family" type pod where everyone is involved with everyone else. For instance, I hate having "outside" people in my home. But once someone is in my little "inner circle" of close friends/lovers - then they are "inside" people and it doesn't bother me if they are in my house (or in my bed, or with my boys - which is probably how the "group sex" thing happens).

It's the meeting new people and potentially forming a bond with them in the first place that causes me stress. I don't "click" with many people but when I do I "click" hard and fast. So the idea of "having" to have that "click" happen with not one but two other people at the same time...Egads! (and then add all the other "clicks" that are supposed to happen simultaneously that I am not involved in...Yikes!)

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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