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  #21  
Old 04-07-2013, 02:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, from a couple of threesomes to "I love you." That's fast. Sounds like the euphoria of oxytocin and endorphins to me. And, yeah, it also sounds like you were played by both W and H, so they wouldn't have to feel any guilt about cheating. And now turning it all into "K is narcissistic and controlling" gets you on their side and forgetting their betrayal of you. Ouch.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2013 at 02:58 AM.
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  #22  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:14 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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You deserve kudos for handling things as well as you did ... and I hear you on what a hard situation it is, where you can see K as a bad guy, but H thinks it's all her fault. Sounds like a classic abusive/dependent relationship. And only H and K can work that one out. They have to decide what to do about it. If H is to be "free of that relationship," she'll have to free herself.

As bad as K seems (and he sounds pretty bad), we have to realize that even bad people can change, and maybe if K gets some therapy, he might improve. It also sounds like H and K might need some couple's therapy. I know that's probably not quite what you'd want to hear; your hope is probably that H will leave K and then you can become a C/W/H triad. That does sound nice, but try to have an open mind about the possibilities and don't attach yourself too much to one particular outcome.

I don't have a lot of advice at the moment; you seem to be doing about the best you can: working on your relationship with W, and offering H moral support. That's generous and good. Keep us posted on how things are going, and I'm sure we'll have some more thoughts or advice for you.

With regards,
Kevin T.
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  #23  
Old 04-07-2013, 06:42 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Uhm, what?

This is kinda like... fucked up?

OK, first of all, H is cheating on K. W also cheated on you with H. They both lied to you throughout the entire thing, and continued to lie to you right up until you confronted H about it.

You feel manipulated and played for a fool. These are reasonable feelings, considering you were manipulated and played for a fool.

But your biggest concern at the moment is "how can we all be together?"

Well, a good place to start would be W and H quitting their mind games of lies and deceit.

Have you ever actually met or spoken with K? How much of what you know about him comes through H? If her description is accurate, then I agree his behaviour is deplorable. However, bear in mind that she's been cheating on him for a year and a half that you know of, and who knows how long or how many times before that? I'm not trying to justify him being possessive and controlling, but clearly their relationship needs some work, and your involvement isn't helping with that. If she's not prepared to leave him, then she needs to get her shit together and deal with her marriage.
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  #24  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:32 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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First of all, thanks to everyone for your replies. I've been reading here for a few weeks and following a lot of helpful links to articles and websites about polyamory, and I know my story probably reads like a "what not to do" manual for polyamory.

Kevin, you're right that honesty and consent are essential...for any relationship. That is something that I am certainly struggling with. I'm on my way out the door right now but I have a lot more to say about that.
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  #25  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:09 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Sorry, I do feel badly that you are in this situation but right now I feel the worst for K. No one knows what he's going through or what he's really like. All you have is the word of a woman who lied, cheated, and manipulated the situation to get what she wanted and get you to like her BEFORE finding out that she was cheating and lying to you as well. For what? In hopes that now that you like her you'll forgive the fact that she's been lying this whole time?

IF! Big If there, K is as bad as she makes it out to be, yep, he's got his own issues that all this lying and manipulating is making worse. My thing is, unless you have met K and gotten to know him, I take what she says with a grain of salt. I'm sure he might have said or done some things lately that might seem controlling or harsh, but you don't know if that's who he is or how he's reacting to a wife who is lying and manipulating and now making friends with a couple that are helping her lie and cheat on him. From his POV, suddenly there's two people who are sleeping with his wife, lying about it to him, and now making him the bad guy.
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  #26  
Old 04-10-2013, 06:26 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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It's been a rough few days. I've been reflecting on the responses in this thread and (as trite as it sounds) doing some soul searching. W and I had a serious talk Monday night. I'd brought up the affair several times in the last few months, explained that I needed to discuss it to be able to heal from it, but W never opened up all that much. I brought it up again and he actually talked for a long time about how it started, what they did, what he was feeling at the time, etc.

I told him I felt betrayed by him, not just because of the affair, but because he let me meet H, hang out with her, and everything else that followed...and never put a stop to it. I raised some concerns I've had about H's motives, intentions, and comments she's made that didn't add up or were truly hurtful and insensitive.

At some point we were talking about the affair...that if he told me he had a meeting and actually went to her hotel room, he would have come home afterward and I would have been totally unaware. It irritated me that he could maybe look back and remember that but I'll never know what was going in that day, if he behaved differently, if we had sex that night...

So, I looked at him and said that's what K is going through right now. That he might be the biggest douchebag in the world, but he doesn't deserve to be cheated on or betrayed. I pointed out that we are complicit in H's cheating/lying. I was surprised to hear that W had been thinking about that recently and feeling uncomfortable. It's like, we hear about how awful he is and he probably is an asshole...but even if he is that doesn't make it right.
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  #27  
Old 04-10-2013, 06:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Sending hugs your way, Chewy

I am glad you and W finally talked. I do hope he sincerely apologised for his part and for hurting you. I know you probably care for H, but I think it is best to just keep things on a platonic level. She is a proven liar and manipulator. Those are qualities I would not want in a girlfriend or in a friend. H probably magnified K's asshole like tendencies for her own benefit. If things were that bad, why is she still there? Ten times to one, this is not the first time she has cheated on him, and if I were K, I would divorce her. Hurting you got her what she wanted, and she seems like she was not going to let anyone get in the way.

I would strongly suggest closing your marriage, rebuilding the trust, and working on your relationship with your husband. I would not advise adding another person to the shambles right now. I know you are hurting. You found out about an affair, fear that H only used you in some very messed up plot, and everything else.

I feel bad for you and K. Pawns in a game. Forgive yourself, if you feel that you were wrong in anything you did. Be it continuing to help her lie to her husband or whatever else. You will grow from this situation, and well, life slows down for no one. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you guys can work it out and move forward.

Hugs,

Ry
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  #28  
Old 04-10-2013, 08:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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K has nothing but my sympathy until I know way more than that he objected to his wife repeatedly and continually cheating on him. The biggest assholes I see here are H and W.
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