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Old 04-06-2013, 11:07 PM
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jillybeane jillybeane is offline
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Unhappy How we fell into poly before we knew it even existed [the abridged version]

Hi, y'all, I'm Jill! I'm 38, I'm married to an awesome guy, and I stumbled into poly quite by accident.

I met my best friend "Lia" and her husband "Bob" seven years ago, and fell rather quickly in love with her. I tried to keep it in check, knowing she identified as hetero, but she's not blind and she picked up on it pretty easily. Anyhow, I was afraid of burdening my hetero friend with my non-hetero feelings toward her, but she coped like a champ, and we started enjoying a physically affectionate relationship (kissing, cuddling, holding hands; that sort of thing).

Fast forward a few years. Lia starts putting out I'm Attracted To You signals, which I was extremely reluctant to act on for a couple of reasons. . .namely our married status, and the fact that she still identified as hetero. The whole business was very conflicting to me because I very much loved my husband and had no desire to hurt him, and how did I countenance being sexual with a straight gal? It just felt like taking advantage somehow.

So we started talking about it, and our communication was mostly me -> my husband, Lia -> Bob, and me -> Lia (my husband and Bob didn't really talk much to each other). Our exhaustive communication led to the decision to open our marriages up to one another in a limited sexual fashion.

The experience was both rewarding and frustrating. Jealousy and insecurity cropped up (as expected), and I feel like we did a well enough job at dealing with it. We all became very close emotionally, but the sex remained awkward, mostly due to Lia's ever-shifting boundary lines. Her boundaries were never being respected because she failed to communicate them until they were crossed. This became tiresome to all of us.

We carried on in this vein for three months before Lia put the relationship in a long, protracted state of limbo, saying she needed to work on her marriage (which did have some fairly major issues).

We waited for six months, and it was clear their marriage was deteriorating rather than getting better, and Lia broke things off completely. Somehow, we managed to stay close friends


Looking back, a few things are obvious to me now:

1. Lia and Bob thought that having others in their marriage would somehow help their problems.
2. Lia was bicurious, and after having satisfied the curiosity, was ready to retreat back into heteroworld.
3. Lia wasn't interested in my husband at all, but accepted him as a necessary obstacle in order to explore her bicuriosity with me.

The fallout:

1. I still have feelings for Lia that are no longer reciprocated (and I understand this, because somewhere in the back of my nonhetero mind, I knew she would never be anything else).
2. I still have feelings for Bob.
3. Bob still has feelings for me.
4. My husband still has feelings for Lia, but also feels bitterly deceived by her, because she said she loved him.


Even though Bob and Lia had a lot of issues in their marriage, we still felt enriched by having them in ours. So now here we are- a single couple, wishing we were still poly.

Last edited by jillybeane; 04-06-2013 at 11:18 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2013, 12:01 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Welcome to the forum. I hope it will be helpful to you.

Lia used you both, and that was wrong of her. That is the downside of being deceptive and out for one's self-serving purposes. I am sorry you and your husband are hurting. It is good that you were able to maintain a friendship, but I would not want to be friends with somebody like that.

If you and your husband both enjoyed, I see no reason why you cannot continue on this journey. Just be cautious of red flags. Lia never set boundaries but expected everybody to magically understand what she wanted and expected. Confusing and taxing for all involved. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and learn from it. From here, you can figure out what steps to take now. Do you want to seek another couple, or do you want to try individually dating? You had an unfortunate start, but I am positive that it will work out for you both. Good luck!

-Ry
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Old 04-07-2013, 12:31 AM
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jillybeane jillybeane is offline
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Thank you, Ry!

I can honestly say I don't think she went into it with the intention of hurting anyone, I think she bit off more than she could chew and didn't know how to spit it out without hurting someone. I have to look at it that way, because thinking that I wasted the last seven years being friends with someone who didn't love me on any level at all is just too painful.

Either way, Choctaw and I are definitely interested in delving deeper into the world of poly (hopefully with someone who knows what they want this time). We just aren't sure how to go about doing it, since our last experience kind of evolved organically. Neither of us know where to start as active seekers of additions to our relationship. I'm hoping to learn from the more experienced
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Old 04-07-2013, 01:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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We are all human, so it was probably an honest mistake. It was a learning curve. You and your husband benefited and it worked. All around that is great.

As far as meeting people, dating sites are one method. There are poly dating sites. I do not know them off hand. I know people have had success with OKCupid. Face to face meetings and friends that you may have feelings for. It depends on your comfort level. Are you comfortable with meeting people at a bar or at a lounge? Honesty is important. You may face rejection because some people are just not comfortable with being involved with a married person. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you or how you live, but it does happen. Try not to let that deter you. On the flip side, you never know what a person might be alright with. Everyone is different.

You and your husband can figure out what it is that you both want. Do you want to maintain separate relationships? Do you want to be in a triad where you will have a shared love interest? Would you prefer more of a quad type dynamic where you are involved with another couple? It depends on what you both want. Create a hybrid of any of the above. If everyone's happy and all needs are being met, great!

You guys handled it well the last time. There were problems, but for the most part, I think you are on the right path. Establish limits and sort out boundaries. I know with some things you kind of have to wait until there is a new person is present to say how you may feel about certain things. Be mindful of red flags. Take what you learned from Lia and apply it to now.

Have fun with dating when you reach that point. Make sure you keep your marriage strong by talking and remembering why you love each other. Compromise is inevitable. Patience is so important.

You will find a lot of helpful info on here. We have all been where you are, so rest assured that they are here to help in any way possible.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-07-2013 at 01:30 AM.
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Old 04-07-2013, 02:57 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Jill,

Welcome to you and to Choctaw as well. I hope this site provides some helpful info for you. FullofLove1052 has already given you some excellent thoughts and advice.

As for finding people for poly dating, there are various ways to approach that. There are poly-friendly dating sites:

http://www.pof.com/
http://www.okcupid.com/
http://www.polymatchmaker.com/

Also, if there are local poly groups in your area, you can get to know people as friends, and who knows if something romantic could come of it. A few sites you could try along those lines:

http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups

You can google "Chicago polyamory" and "Illinois polyamory" and see what comes up. And we have a Dating & Friendships subforum: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=11

A few other foods for thought:

Quote:
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

All that said, there is no need to be in a hurry. Take your time, be yourselves, try not to look too hard, and wait patiently for the right person/s to come into your life. While you're waiting, learn as much about polyamory as you can. This site is an obvious and good place to start. Try our Golden Nuggets board, for starters. Just look around and see what threads call to you. Post any thoughts or questions that may come to your mind.

I think you're right about the situation with Lia and Bob: No one meant to hurt anyone, but you all had the disadvantage of lack of experience, and Lia had troubles expressing herself and realizing what she wanted. If any lesson can be taken from that, it's that communication (both quality and quantity) is super important in polyamory (and it's good for monogamy, too).

Enjoy your time here; I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-07-2013, 05:14 AM
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jillybeane jillybeane is offline
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You and your husband can figure out what it is that you both want. Do you want to maintain separate relationships? Do you want to be in a triad where you will have a shared love interest? Would you prefer more of a quad type dynamic where you are involved with another couple? It depends on what you both want. Create a hybrid of any of the above. If everyone's happy and all needs are being met, great!

I think we'd be open to a triad or a quad, though a quad appeals to me more. Either way, I'm not particularly interested in separate relationships, since it was the togetherness that I really enjoyed. I'm a little less hopeful for this, though, after reading some of the threads; it seems like a lot of people would find this stifling.

Hi, Kevin! Thanks for the site tips, I'll take some time and peruse those.

If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Wow. This seems so obvious, but it would've never occurred to me. I prefer to start romance as friendships as a general rule. Passion isn't a constant companion in any relationship, so I think it's essential to have a solid foundation outside the bedroom.

All that said, there is no need to be in a hurry. Take your time, be yourselves, try not to look too hard, and wait patiently for the right person/s to come into your life.

Solid advice for anyone looking for love Thanks so much for the advice and support! I look forward to a more informed foray into poly.
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Old 04-07-2013, 11:36 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Glad to be of help; I think you'll do fine.
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:28 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Default Hello!

Hi Jillybean and Choctaw

My name is Jim. It's nice to meet you. Accidental deception completely sucks.

Regardless of what you hear on CNN, there is no such thing as "friendly fire." That is a fact.

Anyhow, Hi and welcome.

Jim
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Old 04-10-2013, 11:10 PM
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jillybeane jillybeane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
Regardless of what you hear on CNN, there is no such thing as "friendly fire." That is a fact.
Jim
Hi, Jim, nice to meet you

How do you mean?
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Old 04-11-2013, 07:09 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Default Cuts both ways

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillybeane View Post
Hi, Jim, nice to meet you

How do you mean?
Jill,
"Friendly fire" is when those who are on your side accidentally shoot you. Though the bullets come from your ally, they are nonetheless bullets. There is nothing friendly about bullets. They hurt.

I realize that Lia probably didn't intend to hurt anyone, but it doesn't remove the fact that her actions (biting off more than she could chew, and not knowing how to spit it out,) did leave some bruises on you and your husband.

Like i said, accidental deception (just like friendly fire) sucks. I'm conflicted whether accidental is better or worse than deliberate. Accidental implies that the offending party who should have taken greater care, in fact didn't.

Just my thoughts
jim
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