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  #11  
Old 04-10-2013, 02:18 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Eeek, no way, I hope the person at the other end knows their texts are not private.
As it is, when I text someone I assume that my words are not shared with anyone or not, married or not. I am not married to this other person, why should my privacy be invaded?
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  #12  
Old 04-10-2013, 02:39 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I am not even interested in reading my partners' personal correspondence, although i have had almost unlimited opportunities to do so. It would bore the hell out of me. I'd rather come here and read about other people reading each other's messages. That's how boring it would be.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:16 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I guess we are in the "open book" club.

My phone is also my "work" phone (paid for by my employer) - so I advise anyone corresponding with me that should automatically assume that my boss could read their txts. Given the nature of the technology (i.e. encryption issues, etc.) I think it is wise to behave as though ALL txts/emails are public knowledge (on the other hand...I am hyper-cynical in this regard).

If MrS's or Dude's phone goes off with a txt...I would check it to see whether I should wake them up to respond or let them sleep. I don't think that it is wise to assume confidentiality of TXT or email unless you have specifically negotiated that with someone. You have NO idea who has access...unless you ask (and even then, they could be wrong, this is the digital age people...there is ALWAYS a record ).

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  #14  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:23 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I think there is a huge difference between an employer regularly checking internet activity (I have been in jobs where they have checked activity too, this is expected now) and checking to see whether a text is from work or an elderly parent or whether it is 'Ms. X who just wants to say 'Hi') therefore enabling you to decide whether a partner needs to be woken or not AND reading correspondence as rote because you want to. If I send a text to someone to their private phone, I don't expect them to share it, doesn't mean someone can't SEE it, it doesn't mean that I don't realise that internet correspondence is not entirely private, but I should be able to trust that if I write someone to someone they are not sharing it around without telling me (I don't care if that person is their spouse, mother, carer, probation officer whatever) I should know that I should not have the expectation that that correspondence is private.
And if I know something is to be shared it would definitely inhibit the way I write, having been in that situation more than once (it was awful) I would not allow myself to be treated that way again. I hope all these 'I am entitled to read anything I want' types are honest to the people they are involved with that this IS something that happens so they can choose whether or not they want their privacy violated like that.
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2013, 11:32 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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When we were first working on things because there was the need to rebuild trust, it was understood that everything was allowed to be read. Now I wasn't actively with anyone so it was just messages to friends and things like that and that was established. Now that was something we knew though, there was not the secret reading of information.

That was also an attempt to reestablish trust that had already been broken. The 'rules' now are different. While BF knows that our chats are often read, kids over shoulder, me out loud to hubby certain things and kids and him exchanging greetings, if someone sits close or is glancing and we want privacy we ask for it. Mostly our chats are daily catch ups and stuff and do become a larger affair as we tease and talk amongst ourselves. (Also, I was stuck typing the 'dibs war' over fantasy weapons at one point while the two guys kept swearing and trying to one up each other.)

I think the part that is getting people is where one person's boundaries are being set for everyone else. Not even discussed just, this is what I want and so this is how it goes. That doesn't fly long in ANY relationship.
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  #16  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:39 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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I think Vixtoria makes an excellent point about one person just throwing out conditions or rules as law. That never works for long. I would also caution people from phrasing suggestions in ways that their partner(s) could easily mistake for rules. I have made that mistake myself.

Nance and I agree that snooping usually leads to finding information that isn't received well and is easily taken out of context and that if we truly trust each other, simply asking about things we want to know is best.
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  #17  
Old 04-10-2013, 10:10 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post

Nance and I agree that snooping usually leads to finding information that isn't received well and is easily taken out of context and that if we truly trust each other, simply asking about things we want to know is best.
I hear that Nut, an old friend of mine (always had bad communication skills to be honest) turned up to one of my birthday dinners once with new bf in tow. She confided to me that she was mad at him because she had read said bf's texts and found one from Kelly, asking about going out, she asked me if she should say something, I said 'You don't know what that is about, so best not to put your relationship at risk admitting you looked through his private texts etc'..........

Of course a few drinks later she decided to accuse him of being a cheating bastard and 'YEAH I saw that text from Kelly on your phone....'

"That is Kelly from WORK, (Steve) Kelly!!!!!"

So, bearing in mind that this was the first time I met him, the bf was embarrassed at being shown up around strangers, I was embarrassed as I had other friends there and my so called friend just pretty much ruined my birthday celebration and she had totally ignored my advice making an exhibition of herself by making wrong assumptions.

Course that relationship failed and she hasn't been able to maintain a healthy relationship since.

(FWIW, this is actually not all about the texts, yes it is wrong that she felt entitled to, but actually her boiling up with resentment and letting it come out after a few glasses of vino is an unhealthy pattern of behaviour that she has exhibited from our teen years. She is often desirous of a relationship but then tends to ruin them by behaving in an inappropriate manner).
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  #18  
Old 04-11-2013, 03:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
FWIW, my husband and I are "open book" about our texts and social media. I don't feel like I'm "snooping" when I look at his texts, because half the time he's right there with me. Same goes in reverse. It's just curiosity, neither one of us has a reason to hide anything from the other. We're married FFS. If we had to hide our texts, I would be far more worried about all the other things we'd be hiding.
Here too. Email and texts are open.
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  #19  
Old 04-11-2013, 04:01 AM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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I agree with you, I don't say anything in text/email/im that I wouldn't say in front of my SO. Who cares? If you aren't comfortable with saying it in front of them, can you truly say you are being honest?
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  #20  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:02 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Eeek, no way, I hope the person at the other end knows their texts are not private.
As it is, when I text someone I assume that my words are not shared with anyone or not, married or not. I am not married to this other person, why should my privacy be invaded?
Well, you know what they say about assumptions... Have you ever confirmed that with people you text? If total privacy is something that's important to you, it's your responsibility to make that known to people you communicate with.

Texts are no different from other conversations. Do you assume that no one repeats anything that you tell them, ever at all?

I only consider things to be private if someone says "this is private, please don't tell anyone." Even at that, I don't consider my husband to be "anyone." We're married. Married people typically consult their spouses for support, suggestions, or just to share what's going on in our lives.

Anyone who knows me well enough to share their private thoughts knows that my husband and I tell each other everything and don't keep secrets. What difference does it make if he reads it himself or I tell him second-hand?

Anyway, 99% of my text conversations are utterly mundane. Pretty sure gf isn't going to be offended to learn that my husband knows she was frustrated installing underlay at work, any more than I'm offended that her husband knows I was struggling with an assignment. The other 1% are quick "hugs, kisses, I love you" type and that's hardly a secret either...

Anyway, I'm not a big fan of privacy. I think it causes more harm than good. It's a necessary evil in our present culture. But ideally, I would like to live in a society where no one keeps secrets and everyone's laundry is aired out. Things wouldn't seem like such a big deal when you realize how many other people are doing it. Transparency is a good thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I am not even interested in reading my partners' personal correspondence, although i have had almost unlimited opportunities to do so. It would bore the hell out of me. I'd rather come here and read about other people reading each other's messages. That's how boring it would be.
Exactly. Just because we can doesn't mean we do. He has no interest in hearing about my gf's day at work, and I have no interest in hearing his daughter bitch about her mom.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-11-2013 at 09:06 AM.
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