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Old 04-09-2013, 02:09 PM
Manifestiny Manifestiny is offline
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Default Poly flip...marriage in trouble!

The last 6 months of my life have been paradigm shattering. The transition, in it's entirety, is the amalgamation of a variety of intense life happenings that is beyond the scope of this thread. I have posted before regarding my situation...but something happened to my account and all my posts were wiped. So apologies that i do not have the energy to completely reiterate my story...but instead i will try express an even more succinct summary.

I am a 34 yr old poly male, married 5 years, with 2 children. My wife went along with a poly marriage until recently when i expressed my love for my girlfriend...now my wife is undecided, leaning toward the mono side. My girlfriend is open and incredibly patient.

Things are a little complicated for us because we are going through difficult times financially and my wife is suffering from depression (and apparently has been for the last 7 years...of which i have only just found out about). I recently complied with a request from my wife to put my relationship on hold with my gf to seek marriage counselling. After a short time, my wife told me that it had been wrong of her to ask that of me, and that i could do whatever i needed to do. My wife is living away from me at this time, which is more a product of trying to get a house ready to sell and to provide a bit of space from each other to aid the healing process. I have begun to see my gf again...and although she was a little rocked by the game playing that seemed to be going on...has moved forward and is actively nurturing our relationship once again. My wife has pretty much shut me out completely...and regardless of both mine and my gf attempts to try and connect with her to establish boundaries...she just says that she can't do it at this time. When i try to broach the subject with my wife she essentially says that it's too painful to talk about because she is too focused on healing her own depression at this time. When she speaks to other people...apparently the story is that her depression is because of my poly. The consolation is that we have managed to ensure that the kids are happy and looked after throughout this whole process...but our marriage is looking and feeling very shaky for me.

The best way to share with you exactly WHY it is feeling shaky...is best summarised in the below post from GalaGirl...who has offered many great insights on this forum (thank you!):

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 3: Bad Reaction of the Mono Partner Alienating Ethical Poly Person Sharing Vulnerablehttp://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...10&postcount=8

I always wonder what sort of foundation the relationship/marriage has if just talk can blow it apart. And what the poly person is supposed to do. Pretend they don't have polywiring? Where do they go to express it? Are they happy knowing they are married to a mono partner who is supposed to love them who actually... only loves some of them -- the parts that are "acceptable" only? Is the mono partner happy knowing about this side of their poly person now? And knowing deep down that they wish they never knew it because they rather NOT love the whole person and now have to live knowing this darker side of themselves?
So this describes what i am going through. I guess it's extra confusing considering that originally, my wife was actually poly...and consented to me pursuing a relationship with my gf...and suddenly she flipped and changed her mind. Now she says she's not poly and she doesn't approve of my gf...even though my gf has been nothing but kind and caring toward my wife. I love my gf...she brings so much to my life. My wife is my wife, and the mother of my children, i will always love her and i am committed to working things out with her. But when my wife displays no attempt of wanting to work things out (unless they are practical things like scheduling, etc), tells me that she loves me but treats me coldly, and displays an overall sense of selfishness...i am no longer feeling loved by her.

Is this a case of my wife simply going through the throes of learning that she is not actually poly...and she is just trying to deal with jealousy? Or is something deeper going on here? When is enough enough?
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Well you know how they say around here. "this is her journey. You are on your own journey. You journied together for a while and now your journey together is ending.". Or however you want it. If you say the "j" word too many times it starts to lose it's meaning, like it's not even a word anymore.

Also, it sucks that your posts got erased in a spam sweep. Hate it when that happens.
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:22 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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Well, there is something deeper going on...she is dealing with depression that has been untreated for the better part of a decade.
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:39 PM
Manifestiny Manifestiny is offline
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Originally Posted by Chewy View Post
Well, there is something deeper going on...she is dealing with depression that has been untreated for the better part of a decade.
Yes, that's right...i clearly stated this in my post. I also stated that, to others, she says that i am the cause of her depression. Can you please elaborate more clearly on what you are implying here? Are you suggesting this should be reason enough for me to forfeit my happiness?
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:43 PM
Manifestiny Manifestiny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Well you know how they say around here. "this is her journey. You are on your own journey. You journied together for a while and now your journey together is ending.". Or however you want it. If you say the "j" word too many times it starts to lose it's meaning, like it's not even a word anymore.
Thanks for calling it how you see it. I appreciate your perspective. I am coming to realise that i have very few people around me that will really offer me undiluted truth...which i appreciate at this time.
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Old 04-09-2013, 03:08 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manifestiny View Post
Yes, that's right...i clearly stated this in my post. I also stated that, to others, she says that i am the cause of her depression. Can you please elaborate more clearly on what you are implying here? Are you suggesting this should be reason enough for me to forfeit my happiness?
I don't think depression has an external cause. It might have external triggers. Is the therapist/doctor telling her that you're the cause?
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Old 04-09-2013, 03:24 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manifestiny View Post
Yes, that's right...i clearly stated this in my post. I also stated that, to others, she says that i am the cause of her depression. Can you please elaborate more clearly on what you are implying here? Are you suggesting this should be reason enough for me to forfeit my happiness?

Okay I gave this advice to someone else recently. Depression, anxiety, diassociative Disorder, all of those are problems. Admittedly. They CAN have an external source. For example, I was told that my brain chemistry was changed as a child because I was in an unsafe environment emotionally. However, that doesn't mean that now, as an adult, any time I get depressed or things get really hard for me it's someone else's fault.

No, it's not a reason to forfeit your happiness. Can you support and help her? Sure, if she lets you. If she's willing to work with you. When things get really hard, I'm just not able to function, my instinct is to cocoon. To just hide and be quiet and pull away. That's my instinct, but it's not the best way to handle things. I have had to learn to tell people around me and ask for help or explain what helps and what doesn't. If she is just cocooning and not letting you help you can ask, but really it's still up to her if she wants your help or not.

I suggest saying something like, "I know this is hard for you, and I want to help. I am asking for you to tell me when you need help, how I can help. If it's just a hug, holding you while you cry, or listening I am willing to do that, but I need you to let me help you. I can understand that you may want to deal with this alone, but I wanted to remind you that you don't have to."

A big hurdle we went through and BF is still learning is sometimes it makes it worse when someone just 'helps'. I know they mean well but it works better if they ask me if I need help or how they can help. Now if she really doesn't want to let you in to help then you can't force her. In the end, it's something she has to decide how to deal with or if she wants to. Oh! Also, reminding her that if you ask, "How can I help?" and she doesn't know, the answer of "I don't know." Is always valid! Offer a hug then.
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Old 04-09-2013, 03:54 PM
Manifestiny Manifestiny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
I don't think depression has an external cause. It might have external triggers. Is the therapist/doctor telling her that you're the cause?
I certainly hope that the therapist/doctor is not telling her that...in the sense that they shouldn't be telling her that anything specific is the cause. More specifically...others have told me that my wife states to them that her depression is caused by me being polyamorous. She doesn't say this to my face...instead she just says that is going through her "own stuff"...that she loves me more than anything...but, in reality, treats me poorly.

BTW - thank you for your response! I appreciate your support.

Last edited by Manifestiny; 04-09-2013 at 03:57 PM.
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Old 04-09-2013, 04:01 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I think I actually remember your story now. It is coming back to me.

In regards to your wife's depression, all you can do is try to be there and ask her what she honestly needs. Asking your girlfriend or letting her try to help may be a bad idea. She could very well be a trigger if your wife has abandonment issues or something that stems from childhood.

It seems like she was trying to work with you by acknowledging that she was wrong in asking you to put your relationship on hold. From my POV--and I am doped up on medicine--but it seems like you are talking about your girlfriend in this glowing manner, and your wife is like the grinch who stole Christmas. Her depression that is ages old is possibly threatening to curb your happiness. Do not fall into the grass is greener on the other side mold. I do not think you will because you are trying to save your marriage, so that is a great step.

Sometimes you have to try things to say without a doubt that it is just not for you. That was the case with my husband. He tried poly, and he soon realised that it was the absolute wrong path for him. Your wife may very well have done the same thing. That is her right.

I cannot say that she is experiencing jealousy. Your wife holds the key to the questions you seek. Is she displaying jealous tendencies? What was going on around the time that she suddenly changed? Were there signs there and you just missed them? Did she talk to mono minded friends or family and they convinced her that something was wrong with living that way? She has been depressed for 7 years, and that was missed, so that makes me wonder what else was missed?

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-09-2013 at 04:04 PM.
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Old 04-09-2013, 04:05 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manifestiny View Post
Thanks for calling it how you see it. I appreciate your perspective. I am coming to realise that i have very few people around me that will really offer me undiluted truth...which i appreciate at this time.
I wish i could say something original to you instead, but i like i like to remind folks, no one is as unique as they would like to think they are, and that also applies to me.
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