Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-20-2012, 01:58 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36

Originally Posted by BohemianMLHR81 View Post
IMO he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all tore up over the fact that he has two women in his home who are both wanting to sleep beside of him.
I can see how this would seem this way to someone. But living in the situation and listening to the arguments and seeing the aftermaths of the arguments......and seeing the strain and stress on his face and in his behaviour, and making the decision with him that I need to move out and on for my own peace of mind and sanity and self worth..........I can only say from where I stand, but I'd say he is often "all tore up" over the fact that he can't give me what I need, can't be there for me when I need him. I'd say that although to the few men that do know about his relationship, it looks just great....who wouldnt want 2 women loving and wanting him....but the realities of emotions and time commitments and also a family of 4 boys makes it not so rosy at times.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-2012, 02:10 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I can't answer for the OP. But sigh... I would imagine things like this... if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. mommy/daddy or grannies/grampies? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"
Exactly! We live in a small country in a small city. With very small minded people around us. Although my 2 older chidren, aged 16 and 18, know (my daughter read my fb messages)! we all realise that for our extended family to find out about why I am here, other than a good friend, they wouldnt understand. And yes, the kids would likely get teased at school. It's hard to know, but we would likely have to shift away. Which wouldnt be fair on my children. I would probably have to leave my 11 year old with his dad, and I dont think I could. So, yes, in a perfect, loving, open world i would love to tell everyone, I would love to show others whom my lovers are and show my affection publicly.

BTW....things are moving on with the sleeping arrangements.....GF trying really hard....they both are. They know what I would like, and I know they are trying to make it better for me. GF is really working on her issues. Her fear all along (once the rosy glow of NRE wore off) is that I am in this just for her hubby. I can understand this fear. But after a year of being together, she is trusting me more and more. Ive come out of a 24 year mono relationship, with a very jealous, prudish hubby, and I sometimes think I am too needy because of this. We all have stuff to work on....lol.....its a WIP!!
Thankyou for all your comments.....any more would be greatly appreciated.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-2012, 03:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156

*hug* I don't think you are a fool. I think you are struggling here with people who aren't playing ball with you. Maybe it's too new in PolyLand for all of you at just a year in and you all do not know how. There's nothing wrong with pee wee league. We do not all start in the major leagues. The point is to actually make it to practices and GROW THE SKILLS.

You seem to be showing up for practice while they're playing hookie/avoidy a bit.

Take it to paper, hon. Play ball, people. If you want to be in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to each other, play ball!

Print your answers in this thread, chop up your sentences. I'm sure you can color in more if you want to type more sentences. Dump on table. Sort in piles.


1) GF is the slowest speed. Dealing in jealousies and trust stuff now that the sex threesome becomes a full on romance triad + sex that is closeted, cohabitating, and coparenting.

2) You have unmet intimacy needs because you do not have a calendar schedule on the wall. Because you are not out, and have to lay low in day time, and because you have shift work, there needs to be planned time for connection between
  • you+ BF
  • you + GF
  • BF + GF,
  • you + BF+ GF fun times
  • and then you + BF + GF family meeting (calendar, daily chores, etc)

Organize your choppy sentences in piles like this:

YOUR feelings:
YOUR wants:
YOUR needs:
YOUR limits:
YOUR suggestions for solutions/compromises:

BF feelings:
BF wants:
BF needs:
BF limits:
BF suggestions for solutions/compromises:

GF feelings:
GF wants:
GF needs:
GF limits:
GF suggestions for solutions/compromises:

Once you do that, you can take a peek at where there is missing information. Plan to go GET IT from the people at the horse's mouth!

But do accountability check on the communication subproblems. Is everyone holding up their ends of the sticks? If you were in my world?

People in this polyship have:
  • The right to clear communication from partner
  • The right to expect support from partner
  • The right to be nurtured from partner
  • The right to get your needs met from partner
  • The right to responsiveness from partner
  • The right to constructive feedback from partner

People in this polyship are:
  • Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
  • Responsible for following through on promises
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
  • Responsible for emergency preparedness
  • Responsible for caring for your own equipment/stuff

This 3 person polyship contains these relationships inside it. Hello, polymath! Are the rights and responsibilities held up high in EACH tier or what? Who is not holding their sticks well? Why? What can the polyship do to help improve that area? What can the INDIVIDUALS do to improve holding their own bag if they dropped a ball somewhere?

  • YOU to yourself as part of a polyship (vs some footloose single. What YOU do/do not do and behave like affects the polyship. You seem to get the needs and wants out, but shirk a bit on your hard limits. Get some firm in. You don't even seem to have soft limits well.)
  • You to GF
  • You to BF
  • You to (GF + BF) (<-- you seem to want to respect this to a point where you hurt your own needs. Respect, sure. bend over backward doormat, no)
  • You + GF + BF functioning as a triad (<-- reads as weak to me... still only a year in so perhaps growing? polyship infancy? First poly for you? Them?)

  • GF to herself (<-- is she owning and working on her trust, jealous stuff to move all rship forward or heel dragging? does she get the nurture support she needs to progress? )
  • GF to You
  • GF to BF (<-- do they have something going on you do not know that is causing spillover on YOU?)
  • GF to (you + BF) <-- she has a prob respecting this when you are trying to have alone time
  • BF to himself (sounds like he also emotional work avoidy. He gonna address that?)
  • BF to You (<-- he kind shirky on boundaries with GF telling her to step off when she cross lines interrupting your times)
  • BF to GF (<-- he kinda knuckles to her a lot. Is this enabling her to avoid her personal tier work?)
  • BF to (you + GF)
  • BF + GF+ You

You can fill in the blanks for yourself. I really don't expect you to post it here in public. But that's how I take it to paper, so to speak. It helps me see what's what in the links in the polyship chain, what is strong, what is weak, what needs beefing up, etc. I colored in what I perceive and I own that I could be wrong, guessing, whatever. It's just example -- for you to move it to what really is.

YOU after all, are the one living this with your polyship peeps.

Hang in there!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-20-2012 at 03:26 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-2012, 04:01 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36

Awesome stuff....thankyou, I will get on to this asap. And I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks so much. J
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 03:20 PM
YaHerdWithPerd YaHerdWithPerd is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Thumbs up Beds, Sleeping, And Space

So I've been in a triad for close to 2 months now. My wife and I started seeing a fantastic, incredible woman, and everything has been fantastic. Our only problem is kind of minor, especially when I compare it to the rest of this forum.

Sleep overs are awesome, if only for those amazing mornings spent eating breakfast and snuggling. The only problem is the actual sleeping part.

We have a full/queen sized bed, me and my wife are smaller people, but our addition is like 6 feet+, and the bed gets very very tight and uncomfortable when its the three of us just laying down the bed. I was wondering if anyone had any tips. The current plan is that I take the far wall and wake up with massive back pains, but the other two get an ok sleep, but this seemed like a solvable problem to me, and I figured I'd ask some people with more experience.

So, tl;dr-Me and My Wife would like to have some comfortable sleep overs with our 6 foot+ tall third, how do we do that?
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 04:09 PM
Outsider Outsider is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 17

Is there room for a King Sized bed in your room?

Perhaps a king size memory foam topper 2 or 3 inches can be put on a floor someplace and this would do for a bit.

Essentially what I read here is that your bed is too small for the three of you to comfortably sleep ...... That would suggest one either finds a larger bed to sleep on or smaller people to sleep with. The larger bed seems the logical choice.

It sounds like everything else is going really well ..... good luck
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 04:51 PM
YaHerdWithPerd YaHerdWithPerd is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2

Yeah, I suppose that would be the simplest answer, but theres no way I could either afford, or fit, a King Sized in our current situation.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 06:31 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 881

Are sleepovers at her place an option, or what about increasing the bed size by a little? Or is the bed already a tight squeeze with no room for anything bigger? If not, there are always options like Craigslist and Ebay. I do not know where you live, but beds usually have more than the standard sizes of Queen, King, etc. One off the top is the Olympic Queen/California Queen.

Outside of upgrading the bed size, I do not have any solutions. Glad all is going well for you!
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 06:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647

Is there any way you could amputate her feet or surgically remove a few vertebrae? Liposuction? That might help free up some space in the bed.

This reminds me of a question i saw on reddit where some guy said his dick was too big for his wife's mouth, and did anyone have any suggestions. I asked if he was already circumcised, and if so, perhaps his wife could have some of her teeth removed.

In either case, it would probably depend on how good your insurance is, especially in your case, since buying a king size bed would probably be cheaper than elective surgery.

Other than that, what about just using the floor?

Also, i don't know what type of mattress you have, but the most expensive futon is cheaper than the cheapest spring mattress, in case you weren't aware.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 07:18 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Mornings minus sleepovers.

I find sleeping arrangements in threes very awkward. We have a king sized bed, and there's still always what we like to refer to as "piggy in the middle". Someone is stuck sweating it out in the middle of two warm bodies, and can't quite tuck blankets in or be comfortable, LOL. Or, someone is a cuddler, and they're on the other side of the person who can take the heat, so to speak, of being PITM, and doesn't get their snuggles before bed, or what have you. I find that sleeps are just not generally as restful with a third in the bed.

My FAVOURITE is when one person sleeps in the spare bedroom - we took turns on that, and would rejoin up in the morning for snuggles. It also gave the chance for one-on-one trysting as our relationships developed as well. If you haven't done that yet, I'd highly recommend YOU being the one that sleeps elsewhere to allow the ladies to bond, and foster a connection without you, especially if your wife is new to ladies and hasn't had the chance to fully develop her bisexuality. It also allows for one/both of you to go to the spare bedroom with breakfast in the morning and spoil your lover - everyone is refreshed and bushy tailed....

Group sleeping is overrated in my opinion - I'd do it if I had a baby and was breastfeeding, but I prefer to have a max of two in a bed for sleep quality, LOL. Snuggles and breakfast all cuddled up are THE BEST mind you, and I would never pass those up!
Reply With Quote

bed, beds, secondaries, secondary, sleeping arrangements, three in a bed, threesome, threesomes, triad, triads, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:02 PM.