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Old 04-08-2013, 06:12 AM
Grey Grey is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Smile Advice for a newbie?...

I have been in a committed, long-term relationship (strictly monogamous) for over 6 years and I am engaged to be married (since January of 2012)...
I was under the fantasy that love was love and I had it and it was perfect and blah blah blah blah blah--you've heard it a ton of times.
I have never, ever, ever cheated or acted on any of my impulses. There has been a few. Literally like two or three people I've felt a strong attraction to over these years but suppressed the temptation and remained loyal to my relationship.
I have been in one other relationship before (4 years) with a girl. Same thing; I never, ever, ever cheated and I felt like we had perfection.
I want to also point out I wasn't really influenced a ton by the religion I was brought up in (southern baptist... I am atheist now and have been for the last 4 or 5 years of my life after I went through my agnostic duration..Anyway) I was loyal for so long because of my own free-will and not of any kind of religious obligation--I just thought it was important to be monogamous because I saw through rose-tinted glasses.
Back in July of 2012 I had plastic surgery because I have issues with body image and I battled with depression and a PCOS diagnosis and have been working hard to lose the 90 lbs I gained over the course of a year after losing my father to cancer.
Now that you know a little bit about me, I'd like to tell you what sparked my interest in this lifestyle choice...
When I went through this major surgery (breast reduction and liposuction) I found out my fiance had been watching porn for years and years. I know, laugh away. haha but to me, at the time, I was personally destroyed for a while. My fantasy had been shattered. I had lived my life without really looking at porn because I felt like suppressing that urge was somehow beneficial to my lover. I was REALLY offended that he didn't live up to the same warped standard I had for myself and I was crushed.. Especially since I was going through such a difficult time emotionally and physically through surgery and trying to help my self-esteem and physical health.
Anyway... Devastated. For months.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and I think that polyamory is the way to go. I have only been with these two people and I feel this part of me that wants to explore!
I've talked to my fiance about it and he seems somewhat comfortable with it in theory but when we talk about potentially practicing it, we both get unjustifiably possessive! I do not like it! I want to conquer this jealousy habit we have... I want to see what's out there. I feel like there's a new me under this old layer and it's getting closer to busting out!!!

Please! I'd love to hear your advice or questions or stories.. I just want someone to talk to about this...!! I live in a smaller town and everyone knows that we've been together since high school and we're engaged and the majority of people here are close-minded... I do not want to damage any relationships (including his family) or be demonized (like I was for dating a girl in this town)

Anyone out there have similar struggles that can lend some advice??

Thanks for reading! It feels good to vent!
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