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  #1  
Old 04-07-2013, 05:08 PM
reallynicepeople reallynicepeople is offline
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Default We need a little guidance please

Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 04-07-2013, 05:19 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reallynicepeople View Post
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!
This is a very common question with unfortunately very few good answers.

OKCupid.com
Meetup.com
Craigslist.com
Google.com poly+your city = to find groups or forums.

Good luck.
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Old 04-07-2013, 07:50 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to. Wanting to do it that way will shorten your dating pool (when A and B only want to date as a couple and they find C and D who are the same what happens if A, B, and D all get along but C realizes they aren't wanting a relationship with A or B?)
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:33 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to.
Or that you'll find each other attractive, interesting, remotely tolerable, etc.
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Old 04-08-2013, 04:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by reallynicepeople View Post
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here...We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

If you 2 are long time lurkers here, first of all, you haven't noticed the staff frowns on couples sharing a profile.

Secondly, if you've read here a lot, you'd have seen how seldom triads, much less quads, work out long term.

In a quad, A has to love B, C, and D (nearly) equally.

B has to love A, C and D.

C has to love A, B and D.

D has to love A, B and C.

Everyone has to be in the mood to hang out with 3 others simultaneously.

Everyone has to be in the mood to fuck 3 others simultaneously.

All your kids have to be babysat.

Everyone has to be healthy enough physically, to hang out and fuck 3 others simultaneously.

If one person isn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to hang out/fuck, what do you do? If one kid is sick and can't be left with a sitter, does one partner get to stay home and watch the kid while the other gets to go play?

What if one person of the quad has to work overtime? Does the less busy partner not get to see the other 2 lovers until overtime is over?
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-08-2013 at 04:40 PM.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:37 PM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Aren't all of those scenarios you mentioned something that the quad would have to work out for themselves based on their individual needs and wants?

I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?

I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.

I suppose being new to this that I may be being naive, but that is why I am asking the questions.

So flame on I guess. Educate me.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Y'all know what you want and that is not a bad thing. And you've been out and about and so know that what you want is difficult to find and hard to sustain.

So my suggestion is to stop looking. Not give up but stop looking actively. Instead live your life, meet people, make friends, be social and engaged - in your local poly community and without.

The triads and quads I know that have lasted did so be in part because they often grew organically. Friends fell in love. So many people start their relationship story by 'I stopped looking' and then met so and so.

Live your life, meet people, don't become an isolated couple, explore your interests. You may meet someone(s) who clicks with both of you.

Or you may not. No one is guaranteed anything. It's ok to be frustrated. But avoid entitlement. I am not saying you were being entitled - just that some couples seem to expect 'their' third or other couple to appear shortly after they decide to try poly. This is really unattractive, and also a sign to me if unexamined couple's privilege. It's ok to want everyone to interact all together all the time. And as you know your pool is limited. Some won't do poly. Some won't date couples. Some prefer not to date both people in a couple (like me - way too complicated!). And expecting everyone to be into everyone else all at the same time adds a later of expectations which adds difficulty.

So let go of looking and see what happens in your lives. You may be surprised.
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Old 04-08-2013, 07:29 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Best Successes.

My best successes come from non-attachment. Not being attached to any particular outcome, and being unattached to having exterior relationships, period. I still do answer ads, and put ads up from time to time, but I'm almost indifferent as to whether people take my bait, or write me back. I don't really focus on it too much; it's a part of my life, for sure, but can easily take on too much space if I allow it to. I'm often surprised at how many do end up writing me back or replying to my ads, and I email and txt to see if there's anything there - if so, meeting, yes, but still, not really concerning myself too much as to whether it leads to anything more.

Poly for me is so complex that there has to be a lot that falls into place for everything to work effortlessly and willing it to happen hasn't worked for me thus far. By having less attachment to the types of relationship configurations, by letting go of my ideals of how things ought to look for everyone to be happy, we're finding better and more fun relationships that we've ever had before. It's kind of bizarre, honestly... there is a lot of wisdom in saying, Let Go..... great things happen when you're just toodling along doing your thing.

We have a couple lovely lovers right now, and what did we do this weekend? Worked in the garden... and sent pics to our lovers! My previous self would have put the garden to the side and gone for sexy dates..... LOL. Or been on the computer looking for a lover instead of gardening. Now I think about the potential of serving a homegrown salad to a lover from our garden that we pick together... some months down the road... LOL. That makes me grin!
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  #9  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:28 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reallynicepeople View Post
Hi,
We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

The problem is not that you know what you want. It's like anything else you see. If you are going to put more and more filters on your search you are narrowing your search down, which is awesome! It also means there are less and less options popping up.

You stated right there what the problem is. You meet couples and you just don't like one half as much as the other half. Well if you have to like them equally and them like you equally, it's going to be difficult. What happens when you meet a couple that you BOTH think is awesome? Both people? What happens when they size you up and go, meh. Or like one of you more than the other?

People are not upset or bristling at the idea of a quad, it's the structure needed. You want it out of the gate. Most people who end up in successful triads or quads END UP in them. They understand that asking four people to equally like then love each other is actually way too much math. You have run into couples already but it sounds like you gave up because you just didnt' like one as much as the other. Giving it some time might be helpful, getting to know them even the person that you aren't immediately attracted to. It's also a little presumptious to assume that because you two work together another couple will be wanting what you want or have. Again, the fact that one half of another couple wasn't 'good enough' for you is only half the problem. Who says both of you will be 'good enough' for another couple?

TL;DR Try being a little more flexible in getting to know people, the people IN the couple, instead of looking for THE couple that will be perfect for you out the gate and think you two are perfect for them.
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:40 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It is possible that the couples you met are going around posting stuff like this about you on message boards.
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