Don't know what to do (long)
I've lurked here for years now and only just joined up because I really need advice that doesn't come in the form of 'leave him!' just because people don't get how poly works.
Anyway, husband and I have been together for sixteen years and married for twelve and we've always been open to sleeping with others. In 2009, we separated for a while but got back together and, one of the things I asked for then was to be open to the idea of having relationships with others instead of running on our old rule of no emotional connection. Not that I wanted to do it then, it just seemed like a logical step from where we were and have the possibility of exploring it on the table for the future.
So, we got back together and we seemed to be getting stronger and stronger which was great.
Fast forward to last year and things got a bit weird.
Husband finally found someone he liked enough to have a casual encounter with and did so and all was good. I was happy that he'd finally got laid to put it crudely. Then he met someone else in November who I'll call Mary for this.
Suddenly, without consultation, the no emotional connection rule was thrown out because he wanted Mary badly. I wasn't happy with it, but as I'd asked for this sort of thing back in 2009, I could hardly complain and instead, tried to put some boundaries in place such as no sleeping with each other until after Christmas so I could get used to the sudden shift which he agreed to. Two weeks after meeting her, he slept with her while I was out of the county and he couldn't (and still can't) see why that was a problem.
To say I was miffed is an understatement. Coupled with that is the fact that he texted her constantly and three days after Christmas, despite my asking him to keep Christmas for us, he nagged me into agreeing to him staying at hers which he did.
There's a lot more things I could add, but won't, because this will be long enough as it is!
Needless to say, husband started pulling away from me more and more, both physically and emotionally and I was furious because in between all of this, I was trying very hard to form a friendship with Mary to make things easier for all of us.
The fury translated into wild mood swings with husband and he said he refused to discuss our relationship until I'd been to see a shrink about my moods so I went to the doctors for a referral. Once I had that, he said he wouldn't discuss anything to do with our relationship until I'd been formally diagnosed with something because my mood swings weren't normal.
This just made the swings worse and I started keeping a log of what was going on so I could see for myself if I was actually nuts. Things with husband deteriorated further to the point he said I was delusional and so, to get perspective, I posted everything for our friends to see on a social networking site.
It was the wrong way to go, I know that, but I honestly couldn't see any other way to go about getting husband to listen to me and talk to me about how he was being and I was sick of trying to blame it all on NRE.
Anyway, it all blew up and he ran to Mary's house for the night saying he didn't know if he could be with me. I had a total meltdown that night, said stuff I didn't mean and was generally a rotten human. While he was there giving comfort to Mary, she sent me loads of texts telling me she was hurt and that she was done and would only be giving support to husband. I could understand the hurt but also kind of blamed her because when I tried to talk to her about it, she dismissed it as hubby had saying it all felt natural to her with no discussion about boundaries and such.
Husband came back the next day to talk and said he wanted to be married to me and that he loved me and agreed to talk to a neutral third party about the whole mess.
I felt I couldn't trust husband though because of his behaviour and, to my shame, when something still felt off, I snooped on his texts with her. I found that they were still sharing sexting fantasies and saying they loved each other. Now, to me, support doesn't include that kind of things, and I got mad.
Husband dismissed it saying I'd misread it, as I'd misread other things and it didn't mean what I thought it did. So, that's where we're at, a very rocky truce and waiting on the shrinks.
I don't know what yo do any more. He's behaved badly and I have in return and while I want to have a solid marriage and be able to be poly happily, I don't feel able to while he refuses to give Mary up or put the conversations they have on a neutral footing.
I get that she feels something for him, I get he feels something for her but I feel so very unequal and pushed aside that all I seem to be able to do is respond with anger now.
|boundaries, cheating and poly, marriage, nre, trust issues|