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  #1  
Old 04-06-2013, 01:33 AM
pintocb pintocb is offline
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I'm in a poly marraige....that I wasn't expecting. Married nine years. Not perfect, but pretty damn great. My wife has connected with two different men over the last eight months, and has had physical experience with one of them. She would love to have an experience with the other, but his wife is against it.

This has been a difficult journey for me. I love her to distraction. She loves me to the same degree as well. We have a great sexual relationship, and I'm not threatened by her having sex with the other man. However, she has "fallen a little in love" with him. I understand NRE. She's doing a wonderful job of being honest, and letting me know that while she's really excited about him, she still sees me as her husband, and her best friend, as well as the man who helped raise her children. (step father....but I've been a huge factor in the kids' lives)

I'm feeling as if our relationship is slipping. She and I both wonder if my having an experience would help, but I'm a school teacher in a small town, and she and I both work in the same system. She has connected with these guys because she is from the town, and they are fellow alumni of the school where we teach. My home is farily far away. I don't have the opportunity to meet up with former friends, or really meet new ones. The women I work with are all friends with my wife and I highly doubt any of them would be open to the idea.....even if I were.

So.....for those of you who have been in an unbalanced poly relationship, should I plunge in? I have one hell of a sex drive. I have no doubt I would enjoy the physical......but would it grant me the persepctive I'm seeking?

I've expressed to her that what she is doing is hurting me. I admit I'm insecure, and I'm working on it.....but it still hurts. She replies that even if she stopped seeing the guy, she would still be in love with him so what would it change?

Its a pretty damn valid point, IMO. Anyway, I appreciate any perspective I recieve.

Thanks.....

Cb
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  #2  
Old 04-06-2013, 09:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Aw man, i realize you're not feeling great and here i go i'm about to do my usual thing where i come across as nasty and insensitive. So stop reading right now if you don't want your feelings hurt. This "sensitivity alert" also goes out to my fan club and any unsuspecting bystanders who can't handle the truth. I'll even give you some blank space so that your eyeballs are protected from my harsh words.




















There.

So my response to your post is this: as i read it i was waiting for the bad part. I'm like, "ok, ok, ok, what else? Sounds like this guy has a great life.". I do not wish to diminish the feeling of your feelings, but is there something you're not telling us? Have you ever been through a REAL crisis, have you ever almost died and had to rebuild your life from scratch, or do you have ANY appreciation for how wonderful you have it? That is, unless there's some important piece of information you left out in your original post.

Having fulfilled my function as the resident wet-blanket of this site, i offer this to offset any bad i may be perceived as doing to you: i believe that when people come on here and gush about how wonderful and perfect their life is, that that's just their way of trying to convince themselves that something is not wrong, that the elephant in their room is really not an elephant at all because the definition of "elephant" depends on the person and it's much easier to redefine "elephant" than get the animal out of your living room. You seem to have the opposite phenomenon at work in your living room, where you think you see an elephant but in fact you need to be glad there isn't one pooping on your floor.

I am prepared to be lectured for being obnoxious or something. Ready... Go!
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Old 04-06-2013, 10:44 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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I'm the mono husband of a Poly wife and it was also unexpected. Even when things are going well, it can be enormously difficult to cope with some days. My sympathies.

Addressing your question, the idea seems to be "I feel our relationship is slipping because of her other relationships, so I'm wondering if I should have relationships myself.". That sounds dangerously close to "Relationship broken, add more people." I've thought that dating someone just to "even" things up would be disrespectful to the new person as well.

I think it might be better to work on improving things between you and Wife. What things do you feel are slipping? What do you feel insecure about? What actions or words might help alleviate these feelings?

Just my thoughts
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:10 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I can't think that adding more relationships to the mix is a good idea. The exception would be is if you were generically lonely as opposed to desiring more time with your wife.
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  #5  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:07 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I can't think of any women who would knowingly volunteer to get involved with a guy so he can feel things are even with his wife. I know I wouldn't. I'm not a trophy, a toy, nor a fluffer. I only want a man to be with me because he desires me and is turned on by getting to know me.

You want to feel better in your relationship with your wife? Ask for what you need from her. That doesn't mean necessarily vetoing her other relationships, but if there are things she is neglecting you need to ask for her to give you more attention. If there are boundaries that would help, negotiate. If you and your wife need to schedule regular date nights in order to romance each other, do it. I would also make sure you have a well-rounded fulfilling life whether she is there by your side or not. Friends, activities, passions, so that she isn't the center of your universe. Getting a girlfriend to do that for you won't help, and it would just be using someone.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2013 at 03:10 AM.
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  #6  
Old 04-07-2013, 03:00 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You seem to have the opposite phenomenon at work in your living room, where you think you see an elephant but in fact you need to be glad there isn't one pooping on your floor.
The feeling that you [OP] need balance is a fantasy attributed to a real situation. You're imagining this elephant, when really there's nothing that interesting going on. Women (in the US) are by and large going to have an easier time finding new partners than men are. It's just the way our society is set up - no matter how we might feel about it.

Sounds like you don't have a lot of dating opportunity and are a little discouraged. Sucks. But this is something that happens to single people (and many "monogamous" people) all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You want to feel better in your relationship with your wife? Ask for what you need from her. That doesn't mean necessarily vetoing her other relationships, but if there are things she is neglecting you need to ask for her to give you more attention.
Balance is a dumb reason to date. If you want something that isn't just leaping into your lap - put some work into it. Work that happens on *your* end, not on your wife's end. She needs to decide what shes going to do (if anything), you need to decide what you're going to do.

Romance slipping? Wine and dine her, sing her a song, eat her out while she watches her favorite TV show.
Not enough time with her? Ask her for a date and schedule it out if you need to (as suggested by Cindie).
Sexually unfulfilled? Go online to OKCupid and see who's in your area. Maybe your wife can keep an eye out for recommendations since she sounds a bit more social.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would also make sure you have a well-rounded fulfilling life whether she is there by your side or not. Friends, activities, passions, so that she isn't the center of your universe.
LOVE!
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