Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:23 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,531
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
So I'm a bit giddy. :-)
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 02-21-2013, 12:02 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,255
Default

So I got sent into a tizzy recently by something that might or might not have happened.

My ex posted something on Valentine's day that made me wonder if she had fallen in love again. Then she called me same day for something work related and mentioend she had personal news to tell him. Hmmm. So I assume that she will tell me that she's fallen in love again.

I felt like a loser. And angry she brought this up on Valentine's Day! (Yes, irrational I know.) We're not in competition. I want her to be happy, to find someone who loves her. She deserves that. We are never getting back together to use that annoying song.

She didn't call back on Valentine's day but left a message Friday. I haven't called her back yet on purpose.

I texted a few friends with my ranting about this. They properly sympathized and rationally pointed out it may not be that she is in love at all. Might be something else entirely. All true. But that is not what my intuition tells me.

So had a bit of a freak out about it. I have many regrets about my marriage. Things I wish I had done differently. It's one of the few things in my life that I have regrets around. I generally try to live my life with as few regrets as possible. And now that I know what I know about how our relationship fell apart and my role in that (it's not all on me but I am fair from blameless, that's for sure), I know things not to do.

So it threw me for a loop. I haven't called her back yet. Maybe I will do that tonight but probably not. I am feeling better about it. Spending Valentine's Day with Whip really helped with that. And a generally awesome weekend helped too.

So I am better. But weird how things throw us for a loop sometimes.
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 02-21-2013, 01:47 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 348
Default

Hi Opalescent,

I just read through your whole blog, and I wish I had seen it before--so much of it resonated with me.

I can understand your feelings about your ex's possible love.

But at least she wants to talk to you and tell you about it, right? You'll always be important to her life and she knows you care about her.

I'm more familiar with the kind of ex who believes that once the relationship is over, you don't exist anymore.

Hope other things are going well in your life.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 02-22-2013, 04:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,255
Default

MeeraReed,

Thanks for reminding me of something important. Beaker is still in my life and I am in hers. I value that and I want it to continue. And not everyone is lucky enough to get that. So thank you for the timely reminder of what is actually important!

And, yeah, my intuition totally failed me on this one. She was actually calling to tell me about some awesome job possibilities that may happen fairly soon.

So now I am thinking about why my mind automatically went there and why it freaked me out so.

Could it be, oh, projection?

The one good thing about my small scale freak out is that it made think about if I was ready for a new primary type relationship - or any relationship with some sort of commitment, however that looks like.

I am becoming more attached to Whip than I ever thought possible. To the point where the 'L-word' has come up for me. Could I be falling in love?

Maybe. The NRE is definitely there, even though we've been sexually involved for over a year. I do have reservations about a LTR with him. It is partly the age difference - not so much the years themselves but the stage of life thing. I am not sure if we have enough in common to make a long term thing work. And after the failure of my marriage, where one of the issues was our differences, I am really hesitant about this aspect. Also, he wants kids, in that mid-twenties 'I have plenty of time!' way. So that's an issue - although not an immediate one.

But, I am reallly enjoying getting to know him better. He's so fun! Even though we've been involved for a while, we didn't get to know each other much before as it was more a fuck buddy thing. I just enjoy being with him.

I intellectuallly understand that all relationships do not have to be committed or long term or what not to be relationships. However, this is a difficult concept for me to truly wrap my head around. The thought that a relationship will end, is not meant to be long term and that is ok is something I have difficulty imagining. And if I can't imagine something, I have great difficulty in understanding it, and making it happen in my life, if it is something I want.

Also, I am unsure if I am ready to be in any sort of serious-ish relationship. I keep finding landmines from my relationship with Beaker - like the recent freak out. I say landmines because I don't know they are there. There are things that I know about, that are issues to work on. It's the one's buried in my psyche that worry me. Yes, the freak out pushed me to think about some stuff more but maybe I should figure some of that out first.

Much to think about.
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:01 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,255
Default Triggered

I am all kinds of triggered by this blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43290

I thought about posting in the blog but realized that it probably wouldn't be productive for me or the OP. So I put it here.

Because of who I am, my past, I identified most readily with Si in that thread. She's going through a queer woman's nightmare. She put in 12 years with her partner, was apparently treated as a co-primary, (even as that turned out not to be what the husband or wife later wanted), developed a relationship with the children, developed a friendship and a brief relationship with the husband. And has lost all of it - partner, friendship and relationship with the children - in a month. And they are moving continents away.

Maybe she was a demanding pain in the ass. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed she was a co-primary. Maybe she shouldn't have been around so much or been better at picking up hidden subtle emotional cues. Maybe she should have gone to counseling with them. And they're not her kids although she has been around them their entire life. And there are opportunities for them elsewhere that do not involve her. Relationships do have a lifespan. Perhaps being dumped will be the best thing that has ever happened to her. She can find her own primary, have kids of her own if she wants. I hope that turns out to be true.

But really, having the husband turn on her so suddenly, have the wife go into guilt-ridden crisis, decide to end the long term relationship and be a monogamous wife. Maybe that is the best choice for all involved. I hope so.

But what I imagine Si feeling on being dumped is 'I love you but you are not good enough. You are not a man, we do not have kids together, I choose him and them over you and you can just suck it up and be happy for me in my new conventional life a continent away that cannot include you.' This is a queer woman's nightmare.

My heart breaks for Si. And in all the oddly toned comments on the thread about the breakup, 'Go you, follow your path. No labels, fuck yeah!', no one mentioned Si. This bothers me.

Yes, I am projecting. I am well aware of this.
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:22 PM
Rootlet Rootlet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 14
Thumbs up

Word. I totally agree, Opalescent. Seems like a lot of heterosexism and couple privilege in Si's girlfriend's behaviour and attitudes. "yeah, it was fun, but a relationship with a women isn't a 'real' relationship, and now that I have kids, I want to have all the mainstream approval associated with being a monogamous hetero wife and mother." Si should totally dump her sorry ass. Total queer women's nightmare, and why lots of lesbians and mostly lesbians won't date bi women (not including me, but I understand the basis for it). I read something good about couple's privilege recently, here it is: http://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 863
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I am all kinds of triggered by this blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43290

I thought about posting in the blog but realized that it probably wouldn't be productive for me or the OP. So I put it here.

Because of who I am, my past, I identified most readily with Si in that thread. She's going through a queer woman's nightmare. She put in 12 years with her partner, was apparently treated as a co-primary, (even as that turned out not to be what the husband or wife later wanted), developed a relationship with the children, developed a friendship and a brief relationship with the husband. And has lost all of it - partner, friendship and relationship with the children - in a month. And they are moving continents away.

Maybe she was a demanding pain in the ass. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed she was a co-primary. Maybe she shouldn't have been around so much or been better at picking up hidden subtle emotional cues. Maybe she should have gone to counseling with them. And they're not her kids although she has been around them their entire life. And there are opportunities for them elsewhere that do not involve her. Relationships do have a lifespan. Perhaps being dumped will be the best thing that has ever happened to her. She can find her own primary, have kids of her own if she wants. I hope that turns out to be true.

But really, having the husband turn on her so suddenly, have the wife go into guilt-ridden crisis, decide to end the long term relationship and be a monogamous wife. Maybe that is the best choice for all involved. I hope so.

But what I imagine Si feeling on being dumped is 'I love you but you are not good enough. You are not a man, we do not have kids together, I choose him and them over you and you can just suck it up and be happy for me in my new conventional life a continent away that cannot include you.' This is a queer woman's nightmare.

My heart breaks for Si. And in all the oddly toned comments on the thread about the breakup, 'Go you, follow your path. No labels, fuck yeah!', no one mentioned Si. This bothers me.

Yes, I am projecting. I am well aware of this.
Yes, you are projecting. At no point did I ever say she was not good enough for me. At no point did I ever say she was not a man and not worthy enough to be in my presence or anything even in that realm. I never believed in labels. I can believe in God, but do I have to label myself as an Evangelist, Anglican, or any other religious form? No. Same thing. I can believe in poly, but I do not have to label myself. I practise it, lived it, and firmly believe in it.

You have no idea how I am dealing with this. I do not cry over people. This is a lesson for me. How many times have the words "move forward" been used on this website? Am I supposed to just stop and let my presumed sadness depress me to the point of losing weight, stressing out, or anything that is not healthy? Have I ever said that she should put a condom on and fuck her feelings? I am unaware that I did.

THIS bothers me. It implies that I never cared about her and used her as a means of fun. If that were true, then I have been using people since my teen years and all those relationships were meaningless. I guess I never loved them either. You can love someone with every drop of your soul, but sometimes you are not meant to be. I walked away to focus on my marriage. I was *this* close to losing it due to my selfish ass choices. I am not guilt-ridden. I realise how much pain has been caused because of ME. How is that supposed to make me feel? I sacrificed so much to be "me," and I nearly lost everything. That was humbling for me, and it made me feel like I have to change something and in a big way. I cannot just change my approach and my behaviour. That was not good enough because I am still human, and I may make the same mistakes again. Someone phrased it as self-inflicted punishment. No, it is something to bring me back down to earth and a lesson to value things and people and never take them for granted. Who did I take for granted? My family. It is not choosing one over the other or saying she is not good enough for me. It is saying I need to learn how to value ONE before I dare to value TWO at the same time. My attention has to be on one thing right now. I made mistakes. Tons of them. I messed up a thousand and one times. Maybe I should have stopped being so caught up in what I wanted and listened to someone else. Maybe will not change anything. It happened and this is the aftermath. Let it be a lesson that I will never forget.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-05-2013 at 11:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 863
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rootlet View Post
Word. I totally agree, Opalescent. Seems like a lot of heterosexism and couple privilege in Si's girlfriend's behaviour and attitudes. "yeah, it was fun, but a relationship with a women isn't a 'real' relationship, and now that I have kids, I want to have all the mainstream approval associated with being a monogamous hetero wife and mother." Si should totally dump her sorry ass. Total queer women's nightmare, and why lots of lesbians and mostly lesbians won't date bi women (not including me, but I understand the basis for it). I read something good about couple's privilege recently, here it is: http://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html
Wrong, wrong, and wrong. There was no heterosexism and no privilege of any kind. It was a real relationship. My oldest child will be five in a few months, so obviously I felt no need for society's approval of a damn thing.

She should dump my sorry ass? Really? So I am sorry now? Judgemental to highest degree.
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 04-06-2013, 12:09 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,255
Default

@FullofLove,

I don't think you are a bad person or that you didn't love Si. I think you are doing the best you can.

But I said what I wanted to say. And you can see why I didn't put in your blog.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 04-06-2013, 12:33 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 863
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
@FullofLove,

I don't think you are a bad person or that you didn't love Si. I think you are doing the best you can.

But I said what I wanted to say. And you can see why I didn't put in your blog.
I respect your opinions for sure. I feel empathy for my ex. It was and still is a lot to handle. Could my timing have been better? That is up for debate. I saw how things were going, and it was getting worse by the day. I am doing the best that I can, and it is not being accepted by anyone. Even those closest to me have urged me to reconsider. I am now the bad person for ending a relationship that was no longer healthy for either person involved. I did not just wake up and say, "To hell with this, I am doing what I want to be accepted by society." If that were the case, I would have made this decision ages ago when members of my family turned against me and my own mother voiced her disappointment in me. It was a series of recent events that lead to my final decision. Would I have preferred a different outcome? Absolutely. Even in the wake of the poly aftermath, people are still getting hurt. That is a horrible feeling. This alone is why I struggle with...was poly/being true to myself ever actually worth it, and if so, what was the cost?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break-ups, endings, friends with benefits, fwb, hpv, independence, solo, stds, sti

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:40 AM.