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  #31  
Old 04-05-2013, 05:45 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner have an issue in their relationship. Coyote wants broasted road runner for lunch, whereas Road Runner simply wants to go "Beep! Beep!" They attempt to solve this difference of objectives in a number of ways, usually employing lots of ACME products, and not usually ending well for Coyote. We can all learn something from this kind of argument resolution.
  • Dropping pianos, anvils, and large appliances on your partner's head usually doesn't resolve the argument.
  • If you drop the piano, anvil, or large appliance, please say "Oops" or "You're welcome" as appropriate.
  • If you receive the piano, anvil, or large appliance, please say "I think I see your point now."
  • If you are a coyote, you should probably always wear a parachute (even though it will probably malfunction).
But Jane, your approach on arguments and disagreements seems to be at least as good as the one listed above, and so I would say carry on, keep refining that technique. If you don't have arguments often enough to have a smooth resolution process worked out, that's probably actually a good sign.
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  #32  
Old 04-05-2013, 05:53 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
If you don't have arguments often enough to have a smooth resolution process worked out, that's probably actually a good sign.
Thanks Kevin - I tend to agree.

JaneQ

PS. Two years of a co-habitating Vee and I can count the "serious" confrontations on one hand? Yup - I couldn't have hoped to be that lucky...
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  #33  
Old 04-05-2013, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Thanks Kevin - I tend to agree.

JaneQ

PS. Two years of a co-habitating Vee and I can count the "serious" confrontations on one hand? Yup - I couldn't have hoped to be that lucky...
Yep I was thinking about this as well, I count to '1' in regard to Lin and '1/2' plus '1/2' when I think of my serious-argument-history with Sward during the last 1 1/2 years Must mean that everything is just fine
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  #34  
Old 04-05-2013, 06:49 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Must mean that everything is just fine
LoL... or that it's the very opposite of just fine.
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  #35  
Old 04-05-2013, 06:45 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I seem to be a bit in the minority here, as I absolutely want sex when I'm having a conflict with a partner. I think something about being touched, sharing that energy, centers and calms me, reminds me that I am loved and desired. In fact, years ago when Fly tried to break up with me (I just wouldn't go ), I asked him "Can we please fuck for a while and then talk some more?" Lucky for me, Fly totally gets my twisty mind and heart.

But honestly, when I'm upset or angry, I crave the physical interaction of sex. It hasn't happened yet, but I could imagine seeking it from another partner if it wasn't on the table with the partner I'm in conflict with. However, if it bothered one of my loves or hurt them when I did that, I would certainly reconsider the action. It surely can't heal a rift when the way you find comfort piles more pain onto the situation.

Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.

I also feel like the root of the conflict matters; when Fly and I have a problem, which is rare, it's usually a deep, soul-bruising kind of thing that takes a toll on our headspace and emotional reserves. With Moonlight, it's more that we sometimes irritate each other or get on the other one's nerves. Those are easy for me to shake off, so I don't require as much comfort or reassurance.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how sex and physical intimacy can play a role in self-care during times of strife, but that taking your partner's well-being into consideration is paramount if you're actually seeking to mend the relationship or resolve the argument.
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  #36  
Old 04-05-2013, 10:20 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.
If I found that my partner was talking trash about me to anyone, at any time, I'm pretty sure there is a fundamental problem located. I would be much more interested in why they even had the urge to talk mean about me than I would be in just making a rule that they aren't allowed to do it. They shouldn't *want* to talk bad about me, and if they do they demonstrate that they don't respect me and likely shouldn't be with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
With Moonlight, it's more that we sometimes irritate each other or get on the other one's nerves.
Eh, people get grumpy and irritable; I know I do. Those are not necessarily signs that there is a systemic problem. They might just demonstrate that someone is having a crummy week or isn't eating right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
So, I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how sex and physical intimacy can play a role in self-care during times of strife, but that taking your partner's well-being into consideration is paramount if you're actually seeking to mend the relationship or resolve the argument.
I do not have any say in how my romantic partner (or anyone) manages their intimacy or emotions. This doesn't change just because I am in a bad mood. If I'm focusing on things like "is she shagging him right now?" or considering proposing rules about how they manage their relationships if I'm in a grumpy mood, I have very obviously lost sight of what is important.
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  #37  
Old 04-06-2013, 03:19 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.
I think it's an important line, but for a different reason.

I don't hang out with anyone who trash talks, period. It says more about the person talking than the person being trashed.

That's not to say my gf and I won't sometimes "vent" about our frustrations with our husbands. But we acknowledge that we're upset with the situation or the behaviour, not bashing the men themselves.
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"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. " -- Louis de Bernières
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