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  #21  
Old 04-04-2013, 12:56 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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... This last time, he was angry with me, called me and was verbally abusive and very cruel. This lasted for more than a month, when every time we communicated, he called me names and was extraordinarily cruel to me.
Uh...whut? Why are you still with this person? That is never acceptable in a healthy relationship.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #22  
Old 04-04-2013, 07:53 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I don't know who he is anymore. And yet I still want things to be better. This is so confusing and agonizing.
First things first, you need to accept that you can't change another person. All you can change is yourself.

It's not uncommon for people to say one thing at the beginning of a new relationship, and then throw that all out when they think they've "got you." Then they pull all kinds of manipulative bullshit to keep you around, letting their true colours show.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Uh...whut? Why are you still with this person? That is never acceptable in a healthy relationship.
Diddo. Add that to his sexual behaviour, which basically amounts to another form of abuse (endangering your health), and this guy has got to go.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #23  
Old 04-04-2013, 07:17 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Two years of loving and trusting someone and this is how it ends...I'm shattered. I don't even know what to do with myself. I am utterly miserable.

I feel like I never want to do this again. I feel abandoned and expendable. Every time I am unoccupied for more than a few minutes, I start crying. I fight waking up in the morning because I don't want to feel or experience any of this.

Last edited by Fiona; 04-04-2013 at 07:22 PM.
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  #24  
Old 04-04-2013, 11:07 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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For me, the best way to get over a break-up has always been keeping busy. Go out with friends, do hobbies, meet new people... anything to keep from sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

The pain fades gradually, but it takes time.

Sometimes it helps to put their picture on the wall and throw darts at their face. A little passive aggressive perhaps, but fun nonetheless...
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2013, 04:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes. Stages of grief is hard.

I don't love it, but when I get to the "I need to act out and be all GRRR angry!" place in that process I know it is at least progressing.

Darts could help. I exercise, clean things, or... break out the axe and start taking it out violently on tree branches.

More productive channels for anger because I get a twofer. Anger expressed, and workout done, house cleaned, yard dealt with -- win for me!

Guard against turning anger inward -- that's can lead to depression. Then instead of climbing UP the emotional ladder you are sinking lower.

Take care of you. Hang in there.

Galagirl
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2013, 05:30 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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I just keep wondering if I was overreacting to the whole HSV thing, but the fact that he broke boundaries and violated my consent is a huge red flag. As is the fact that while things were going badly with us, he pushed me aside to concentrate on someone new and was not conscious of health and safety issues. I just can't forget him saying that I MADE him choose between me and the other person. I don't think that I did. I feel like he has jettisoned a long-term relationship for something new. This is so devastating.
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  #27  
Old 04-05-2013, 09:32 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Didn't you post like a year ago with a similar issue--guy broke safe sex boundaries for a woman you didn't find trustworthy? Is this the same guy? Same girl?
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  #28  
Old 04-05-2013, 09:37 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Looking back, no. That was my husband who broke a boundary.

Then my partner did, twice in the space of a few months, and violated my consent by having unprotected sexual contact with someone who has an STI and then having sex with me without informing me of this.

It is very upsetting to me that people can 1. agree to boundaries for reasons of sexual health and safety and 2. regularly and arbitrarily break them.

I'm pretty cynical about all of this, just now.
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  #29  
Old 04-05-2013, 09:45 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
I just keep wondering if I was overreacting to the whole HSV thing, but the fact that he broke boundaries and violated my consent is a huge red flag. As is the fact that while things were going badly with us, he pushed me aside to concentrate on someone new and was not conscious of health and safety issues. I just can't forget him saying that I MADE him choose between me and the other person. I don't think that I did. I feel like he has jettisoned a long-term relationship for something new. This is so devastating.
It's not a red flag that you and he had different risk tolerances for HSV exposure. People do vary greatly in what risks they will take, what risks they absolutely not take and the area in-between.

However, he didn't come talk to you about the differences and fucked around instead without checking in with you about this person, situation, etc. That's the waving red flag along with all the other stuff noted above.

You didn't make him 'choose' between you and the other person. You let him know your boundaries and he chose not to respect them. That's the choice he made, not between her and you. He choose to be a lesser person than he could have been. That's the underlying choice made.

And manipulative people will often pull this bullshit so they feel better about themselves - they 'had to' because of so and so, and now it's not really their issue. Thus there is nothing wrong with him because, you 'made' him do it. This lets him get away with refusing to examine his own behavior. Don't take that on. It is not true and real from what you described here.

Last edited by opalescent; 04-05-2013 at 09:45 PM. Reason: spelling goof
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  #30  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:00 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Yes. Stages of grief is hard.

I don't love it, but when I get to the "I need to act out and be all GRRR angry!" place in that process I know it is at least progressing.

Darts could help. I exercise, clean things, or... break out the axe and start taking it out violently on tree branches.

More productive channels for anger because I get a twofer. Anger expressed, and workout done, house cleaned, yard dealt with -- win for me!

Guard against turning anger inward -- that's can lead to depression. Then instead of climbing UP the emotional ladder you are sinking lower.

Take care of you. Hang in there.

Galagirl
Galagirl...

I do the same thing!!! When I get angry I tend to clean like crazy, and get the clippers after a tree or two that needs trimming...
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