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  #21  
Old 04-04-2013, 09:07 PM
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It's a good idea to get the three of you on the same page before moving forward. No surprises. Also, I think I can relate to the experience of coming to accept polyamory by degrees (via a unique path) over the years.
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  #22  
Old 04-04-2013, 09:24 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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It's a good idea to get the three of you on the same page before moving forward. No surprises. Also, I think I can relate to the experience of coming to accept polyamory by degrees (via a unique path) over the years.
What was your path?
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  #23  
Old 04-04-2013, 09:45 PM
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I think I had two crystalized experiences that "prepared" me for the idea of polyamory. One was indirectly due to my LDS (Mormon) background. Some of my family/friends buddies were having various debates/discussions by email. This was in the mid to late 90's. We were discussing the problems of the church's past with polygamy, when it struck me that polygamy might be okay if it wasn't just a husband with multiple wives, but could also be a wife with multiple husbands (or multiple wives and multiple husbands, what I believe polyamorists often call "group marriage"). Oddly, no one replied to my observation there, but the observation stuck with me and had effects later on.

Another time, probably not long after (a few years?), my wife and I were on an outing (of the mountainous kind, I think), and my best friend from grade school was with us. This friend was rather socially awkward, and the chances of him even trying to date let alone succeeding were rather slim. I had a mini-epiphany hit me while we were hiking along, where I wondered, "I wonder, what if there was some way I could share my wife with this friend, would I be willing to do that?" I surprised myself by realizing that not only would I be willing, I'd be quite pleased to do so. He was kind of a lonely guy, and I thought he was very deserving of the kind of love and company I had with my wife.

These thoughts were brief and fleeting, and soon displaced by other thoughts. But somehow they stayed with me over the years. And as 1995 crept away and 2005 approached, I found myself mentally rebelling against many of society's norms. LOL, I was in a suitably rebellious state of mind when I fell in love with a friend who was already married. This falling in love was mutual, and we both had the dilemma to face of, what do you do when you fall in love but one of you is already married. She did a lot of web research, and it was actually she who discovered the word and concept "polyamory" (and polyfidelity). By that time, I was quite ready to accept the idea, and she spent the next year talking to her husband about it. Eventually he accepted it as well, but I was already at the point of acceptance the whole time.

That's a rather short version of a rather long story, but you get the idea. Sometimes we have independent thoughts that are like seeds in our minds. The seeds may sprout and grow many years later.
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  #24  
Old 04-05-2013, 05:36 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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...I have a similar concept that I called the hut theory, but I didn't ever think I would live it so I shelved it.

My hut theory was that I could be in relationship with a man, but still maintain my individual living space. We would have separate huts. AND, he would have several huts that he could visit or stay in. We could all live in close proximity, but we would have our own spaces. We would visit and interact with each other. In a sense, we would be a family. Similar to Big Love on HBO, but not necessarily with marriage vows.

He would be in relationship would any women he wanted. I never really thought about who the other women would be in relationship with. I didn't see myself with multiple men. The reason I liked the hut theory is because I have LOTS of interest outside of being with one person. I like the company of men. I like interacting and relating with them. I love the physical intimacy. I also like having my own space. I like doing my own thing. AND, I feel a sisterhood with women that I want to develop in deep relationships, not many relationships. I saw us all hanging out together.

So, while I said no to poly on approach, when he explained his idea of poly to me, I found that there was significant overlap with my hut theory. That's how I agreed to move forward.
OK - I have to read the rest of your post and the rest of this thread...but I am chuckling at the moment so I feel the need to share...

Your "hut theory" sounds a lot like my "cabin boy" fantasy!

So...I have a large property (20+ acres). If I were to suddenly find myself alone (i.e. not in my current configuration) - how would I ideally construct my life?

I like the idea of gathering all of the people that I like (a limited number... I don't "like" many people) together on my "compound". They would each have their own place (cabin/hut/etc.) that they built within the compound. Each person could conduct their lives as they saw fit within their own cabin but I could invite them to "my" house if I felt so inclined...

I have control over what happens in "my" space, and they are free to explore whatever they want in "their" space...

(This probably reflects a fear that I have that Dude is going to find some other girl that will "take over" my hermit cave...I really, really can't tolerate "outsiders" in my space. She may be nice/wonderful/fantastic/etc. but that doesn't mean I want her in my HOUSE! - sleep with/love my Dude ...fine, but don't try to re-arrange my LIBRARY)

JaneQ

PS. I'm less worried about the MrS side of things - he's had 21 years to find another girl to disrupt my routine...and has shown no interest. (After I pick myself up off of the floor, I will probably just build an addition for her...but she STILL can't rearrange my library!)
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #25  
Old 04-05-2013, 05:49 AM
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2013, 04:34 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Oh JaneQ, I know what you mean about the library. We had someone come over to play the other day and he pulled a book from my shelf. I got really jumpy. Lol:-)
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  #27  
Old 04-06-2013, 04:12 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Oh JaneQ, I know what you mean about the library. We had someone come over to play the other day and he pulled a book from my shelf. I got really jumpy. Lol:-)
A kindred spirit . I'm glad you understand.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #28  
Old 04-06-2013, 12:18 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Default Mono jealousy vs poly healthy

You mentioned that you are very mono. I see that this has somewhat been cast aside by the commenters, so I think I'll address it.

First off, you say you've realized just how mono you are, are you working past this? Or are you going to attempt to remain very dead set on mono? There's nothing wrong with a little healthy jealousy but not too much. Good jealousy is the mild, goes away with time kind. Don't get me wrong this CAN work. Many people are mono and find themselves in a polyamorous relationship. You are not REQUIRED to interact with your metamour but it's optimal.
Personally, although I am not mono, I love being the leg of C's Vee. We are only out to a few of our friends so far but have found that we were pleasantly surprised with how accepting our friends really were.

I agree that you should tell your friends about you being poly before introducing them that way it's less of a shock.

And always know we are here to help you with anything you care to through out, and we're freeeeeeeeeeeee!
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  #29  
Old 04-06-2013, 12:25 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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If I had a library then THAT'S WHERE I'D WANT TO PLAY! I'd open up all my favourite book and make a bed... But I guess the way I play I'd have to buy all new copies cause they'd be all wrecked and ripped.... So maybe I'd keep them on the shelves and just by a really big table..... With padding.....
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Crux: straight/hypersexual, possibly mono?
BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
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  #30  
Old 04-06-2013, 08:05 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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.... So maybe I'd keep them on the shelves and just by a really big table..... With padding.....
Ah - a "sex bench" - we have one of those in the garage ! (a horizontal filing cabinet with a folded over quilt on it, very sturdy and the perfect height - the puny legs of a mere "table" are simply not up for the task.)

When we play in the library I prefer to toss all of the blankets and cushions from the reading chairs on the floor in front of the fireplace...

JaneQ

PS. Funny story - I keep my lubes and toys in a drawer in the bedroom - I teasingly complained to Dude one day that he hadn't planned ahead...I wanted the warming jelly and MrS was sleeping in the bedroom while we were playing in the library. The next day the boys went on a soda run to Walmart - they bought a carload of soda...and 10 bottles of sex lube. There are now bottles of lube hidden all over the house...but what did the checkout girl think?
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-06-2013 at 08:08 PM.
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