Lunch: A Postscript
Before I posted my entry about lunch, last night, I sent it to Nyx with an explanatory note.
She wrote back today to thank me for writing, to tell me she still feels a lot of warmth and love for me, too, and to tell me that it was good to start reestablishing the connection between us.
She also confirmed what I had expected to be the case: because of recent turmoil in her life, she is proceeding very cautiously on all fronts just so she can keep her bearings.
So, while the affection and attraction between us are mutual, she is not able to act on them, now.
I wrote back to say we seem to be in agreement about the need for caution, and about the reasons for it. We have both been through turmoil, in fact, and need to keep track of which way is up.
So, for now, it seems we will be especially affectionate friends. I'm really looking forward to having brunch with her sometime soon, or going hunting for just the right noodle restaurant.
But I find myself astonished by how much warmer my feeling for her is with all of this out in the open. Seeing Nyx and letting her know how much I still love her has freed me to revive memories of our time together, last year, and to enjoy them fully.
(No. I won't say what the memories are; they are not for public consumption, even anonymously. I worry that, if they are set out for public consumption, they will quickly lose their savor.)
I think I'd actually suppressed some of those memories, in the dark days of winter, perhaps because I didn't really want to face up to how much I was grieving the loss of our relationship.
I have them back, now, and I'm basking in the light and warmth of them.
Let me be clear about this, though. It's not a matter of dwelling on (or in) the past, or wishing for things to be as they were. This is about how I think and feel about Nyx now, within the frame of our current friendship; it's about how I can allow myself to savor all of what I feel for her, almost for its own sake, without any pressure to push the relationship in any particular direction.
It turns out to be an especially generous feeling, or so I have observed. For example, Nyx told me a little of what's happening in two relationships that have been developing and/or changing for the better, and I was delighted for her, simply and without reservation. It seems those relationships are especially good for her, and the other two seem united in their support of Nyx.
I didn't intend to go this way in this thread, but it occurs to me that, in the last two weeks, I've had two women tell me they cannot or ought not to or don't want to have a relationship with me beyond friendship . . . as a result of which I'm feeling a lightness and a happiness verging on bliss, and my affection for each of them has only deepened.
It's the last thing I might have expected, had you asked me about it three years ago!
I don't now how long this spell will last but, at the moment, I'm quite contented with the way things are going.
Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-05-2013 at 10:46 AM. Reason: picky, picky.