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  #11  
Old 04-02-2013, 02:15 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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SC, your post asks all the questions milling about in my head.

The social circle issue is still out on the table.

I'm not satisfied being his dirty little secret, or being seen as some outside woman. However, we are in the first month of the relationship.

For now, we all hang out together. When we are together, I don't feel like the other woman or a secret. Of course, we haven't gotten to the bridge where we are all in the same place and both circle of friends are there.

It feels as though, for now, we are both avoiding it. I'm not sure that I'm ready to come out to my friends either, so, I'm good with things the way they are.

We did have a conversation last weekend where I told him again that I wouldn't live like this forever. At some point things will need to change. I am of the mind that we can all explore this together. As long as we can keep up with the evolution we will be fine together. It that's not the case, we can go our separate ways.

I've worked deliberately to be in integrity with myself. I need to be in integrity here as well.

Things are evolving.
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  #12  
Old 04-02-2013, 03:01 AM
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Well, keep us posted. I hope when you do come out, that it will go smoothly.
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  #13  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:38 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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So, I'm moving from under consideration to in training as a sub. It's an opportunity to evaluate where we are and see how we want to proceed.

My only issues are around the poly part of things. He wants to know what I need in order to make the relationship work.

My first thoughts are openness, trust, and courage. I need to be considered his girlfriend publicly and privately. Not, other woman girlfriend, but girlfriend girlfriend.

I don't want this to come off as a girly, romantic, fairy tale notion. For me, it's a matter of integrity and sharing lives. What I want is someone to share my life with.

From reading on these boards, and from my initial talks with him, I know that it's possible to build a poly household. That's what I want.

Any suggestions on how I can articulate that clearly? (Adding to what I've already written here.)
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  #14  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:48 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
My first thoughts are openness, trust, and courage. I need to be considered his girlfriend publicly and privately. Not, other woman girlfriend, but girlfriend girlfriend.

I don't want this to come off as a girly, romantic, fairy tale notion. For me, it's a matter of integrity and sharing lives. What I want is someone to share my life with.
I know I only have an online relationship with T, but damn if this didn't make a HUGE difference for us. We went from being publicly "friends" to being publicly "lovers" and it absolutely spiked our relationship in a tremendously positive way.

I highly recommened it being included in your conditions for saying yes.
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  #15  
Old 04-03-2013, 08:36 PM
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Sounds like the most important thing to you is you don't want to hide this poly relationship from your circle of friends. In addition, I'd suggest sharing some of the posts you've been reading (and writing) on this site, ask him to read them, and point out the parts for you that made you think, "Yes -- this is what I want." Or even, "I don't want this!"

When explaining to your man what you want in this poly relationship, try to be as specific as possible.
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  #16  
Old 04-03-2013, 09:22 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Thank you for all of your support here. You have been awesome!

We had a chat. We are taking it as it comes. I've already told my best friend. I needed to have someone to talk to. I'm going to a music festival this weekend where I'll probably mention it to the friends that'll be there. I feel as though I first need to chat with them about my thoughts on relationships.

I'm relatively new to the area. My friendships are now forming. They are more social circle friends. There is so much of myself that I already don't share with them. I've mentioned it in conversation, but they're really not interested in deep conversations about certain aspects of my life. This might be one of them. In fact, we don't really have deep conversations. It's really about what's happening this weekend, but these are the people that will see us out and about with different people.

On one hand, I'm beginning to not care what they think at all. On the other hand, I feel like it's a matter of principle. This position isn't based on any conversations that I've had with my boyfriend. It's just that the situation is forcing me to think about how deep these "friendships" are to begin with.

Funny how that works.

I REALLY want to find a group of friends here that I can socialize with AND have those deep conversations about life, money, spirituality, and relationships.
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  #17  
Old 04-04-2013, 02:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
We did have a conversation last weekend where I told him again that I wouldn't live like this forever. At some point things will need to change. I am of the mind that we can all explore this together. As long as we can keep up with the evolution we will be fine together. It that's not the case, we can go our separate ways.

I've worked deliberately to be in integrity with myself. I need to be in integrity here as well.
Those are both very good attitudes to have. You can't predict the future, let alone control it, so I always prefer to live in the moment. And integrity is always a good thing!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
We had a chat. We are taking it as it comes. I've already told my best friend. I needed to have someone to talk to. I'm going to a music festival this weekend where I'll probably mention it to the friends that'll be there. I feel as though I first need to chat with them about my thoughts on relationships.
That's a good start.

Quote:
I'm relatively new to the area. My friendships are now forming. They are more social circle friends. There is so much of myself that I already don't share with them. I've mentioned it in conversation, but they're really not interested in deep conversations about certain aspects of my life. This might be one of them. In fact, we don't really have deep conversations. It's really about what's happening this weekend, but these are the people that will see us out and about with different people.
Yup, I've been there... those "little more than acquaintances" friends... They'll hang out with you, go to concerts or shopping with you, but mysteriously missing when you need a shoulder to cry on. But, at least it's a start. It's important to be social, and that's how you'll meet other people. Eventually, someone(s) will "click" and things will go from there.

Quote:
On one hand, I'm beginning to not care what they think at all. On the other hand, I feel like it's a matter of principle.
I see a big difference between "not lying" and "telling everybody everything." Having a private life is not inconsistent with being honest and having principles. And if they aren't going to "care" one way or another, sometimes it's easier to just let people think whatever they want. I mean really, they're going to think whatever they want anyway, so why force the issue?

For me, if it comes up it comes up. I never go out and make a big show of telling someone that I'm poly. If they're curious, they'll ask. I wouldn't worry about it unless they start spreading false rumours.
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  #18  
Old 04-04-2013, 03:24 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Thanks SC. Last month I had no idea I would be in this position today. My response to poly was "no way". However, I value my growth and expansion. This journey has been a FANTASTIC way to erase my boundaries and step into my life in a bigger way. For no other reason, I want to continue because I want to see how far I can go. It's truly amazing!
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  #19  
Old 04-04-2013, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
This journey has been a FANTASTIC way to erase my boundaries and step into my life in a bigger way. For no other reason, I want to continue because I want to see how far I can go. It's truly amazing!
And this is a good thing??

Boundaries are important, especially if you're heading into a D/s relationship.

I'm hoping that was just a mixup in terminology and not that you're actually giving up your basic principles just to be with this guy...
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  #20  
Old 04-04-2013, 05:24 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Hi SC, what I mean is that I am erasing my lines. I'm not talking basic principles here. I'm talking assumptions that I've made about life that were un-tested. I am exploring. I am playing with my edges.

I go through this process to challenge my beliefs. I play with them. I question them. But I question them in practice, not in theory. For years, decades, sometimes my lifetime, I work a certain way, then I embark on a project that examines my beliefs. It's part of my process of coming into integrity with myself.

For example, when this person approached me, I'd said no outright to poly. I'd done some reading on it before. I thought it was a cool idea. I have a similar concept that I called the hut theory, but I didn't ever think I would live it so I shelved it.

My hut theory was that I could be in relationship with a man, but still maintain my individual living space. We would have separate huts. AND, he would have several huts that he could visit or stay in. We could all live in close proximity, but we would have our own spaces. We would visit and interact with each other. In a sense, we would be a family. Similar to Big Love on HBO, but not necessarily with marriage vows.

He would be in relationship would any women he wanted. I never really thought about who the other women would be in relationship with. I didn't see myself with multiple men. The reason I liked the hut theory is because I have LOTS of interest outside of being with one person. I like the company of men. I like interacting and relating with them. I love the physical intimacy. I also like having my own space. I like doing my own thing. AND, I feel a sisterhood with women that I want to develop in deep relationships, not many relationships. I saw us all hanging out together.

So, while I said no to poly on approach, when he explained his idea of poly to me, I found that there was significant overlap with my hut theory. That's how I agreed to move forward.

What he didn't mention was that his current girlfriend is VERY traditional. He may have known this, but they were swingers. In her mind, this was another sexual exploration. It might be long term, but it was "just sex" (she actually said this).

We've had several conversations about where she is. I decided to leave that alone and concentrate on my relationship with him since we are at the beginning. I figured he could iron that out with her.

In theory, he had his idea about how this would go, but I don't think that he considered the reality of being in relationship with two people who live in the same area and are in the same circles.

So, in that sense, it's new to all of us. We are adjusting.

Just to bring theory to reality, I brought it up this morning in the context of my outing this weekend with my friends.

I explained that I wanted to tell my friends about him. In a mono relationship this is never a discussion. Although, I think it should be.

One of my friends is a girl around town. She knows EVERYONE. She's at every party, in every club. She's likely seen him with his girlfriend together. The other one was at a party with the two of them a couple weeks ago.

So, the question came up about if I'm going to share his picture.

Of course I would. It's my girlfriends. We're gabbing. I've been seeing him for a month now. They know something is going on. That's how the conversations go.

I could feel that that was the first time he really GOT what this means in reality.

I'm his girlfriend. I'm not the other woman. I'm not his dirty little secret. I'm not telling stories about our relationship. I'm not his friend. How are we going to explain this?

He may have thought about it, in theory, but now we have a real life situation to deal with.

So, we ended the conversation with me not saying anything for now, and all three of us having a conversation about how we want to approach things.

I'm okay with that. I don't want to pretend with my friends. I'm willing to give all of us the time to work this out. We'll see what comes of the conversation among the 3 of us.

Baby steps.
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