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Old 04-03-2013, 04:10 AM
leafbranch leafbranch is offline
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Default our first time up to bat - strrrrrike!

my partner and i have been together and mushy gushy in love for 11 years. we decided to slowly, and with lots of communication, open things up four months ago. our agreements so far have been that beyond spontaneous dancefloor-type makeouts, we would inform each other ahead of time if we were making plans with people, talk about what we are comfortable with the other person Doing with them ahead of time, etc. i was the person who initially wanted to open things up. he told me four months ago he didn't anticipate wanting to exercise his new freedoms; i told him he might change his mind, and if that happened, keep me informed, and again, we discussed making sure we told each other about plans with others ahead of times. i can get used to this but i don't like being surprised.

wellllll guess what. i get a call (i'm out of town) and he tells me that three days prior, he 'let a girl take him on a date', and they fooled around.

i got off the phone because i got really upset - and my feelings about him fooling around with someone for the first time are really tangled up with my feelings about him breaking the one agreement i really stressed to him/not feeling heard - to let me know ahead of time if this kind of thing was coming down the pike. i am the one who wanted to open things up, but i also am adjusting, and i need time.

he's totally, totally owning that he acted impulsively, he feels awful, etc. this is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he's learning and messed up on his first venture and i know i need to be patient and forgiving but his TIMING right now is REALLY BAD.

i don't know if i need advice or what, i just needed to ramble to an understanding ear (many ears i'm really stressed in other aspects of my life right now and that's not helping.

when i think about his hands down another girl's pants, part of me is unaffected, happy for him even. but another part of me is paralyzed and terrified. i guess that's jealousy. so i've read articles on morethantwo.com and practicalpolyamory.com that have helped a bit. this -
I am a firm believer in the power of affirmative choice. Choosing to behave in the ways that a secure
and self-confident person behaves takes you closer to being secure and self-confident. There are
many tools that can help make those choices, but in the end those tools cant do the work for you; at
some point, it becomes necessary to make those choices and stand by them
- really resonates. there's a part that says, Fill in the blank: I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X, then _______________. and i'm trying to fill in this blank and i can't get any words out. i just know it makes me nauseous. even though INTELLECTUALLY, ETHICALLY, and in many ways EMOTIONALLY, it's actually FINE, and i'm excited for him. but it also made me pull my car over and throw up and now when i get back into town i'm scared to touch him, to be touched by him, even though i know, know, he's totally in love with me and wants to be with me.

anyone relate? please? is this going to go away? am i just adjusting to a new lifestyle or should i be listening to my gut?
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  #2  
Old 04-03-2013, 02:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
“I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X, then _______________.”
How about...
"I do not like my partner to break agreements that are important to me because if my partner breaks agreements then I don't know that I can trust my partner with his word or believe he can follow through on promises."
Which leads to...
"I need to be able to trust in his word and believe he can follow through on promises so I can safely polyship with him in healthy ways. My emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, and phsyical health can be dinged by his behaviors. I need to know I'm not gonna be dinged needlessly."
Easy example -- he breaks safer sex agreements, you could end up cootified. Your physical safety at risk.

Quote:
i'm trying to fill in this blank and i can't get any words out. i just know it makes me nauseous. even though INTELLECTUALLY, ETHICALLY, and in many ways EMOTIONALLY, it's actually FINE, and i'm excited for him. but it also made me pull my car over and throw up and now when i get back into town i'm scared to touch him, to be touched by him, even though i know, know, he's totally in love with me and wants to be with me.
I beg to differ -- your mental health and emotional health took a ding. You are NOT FINE, sweetie. You are feeling all kinds of vomitous.

It's alright. You will be ok. BREATHE. Your safety was threatened in your mental health and emotional health buckets. You got sloshed. Give it time to settle back down in there.

You are in the middle of experiencing high emotion so maybe you can't see it yet? When ready? Come on back to see where the slosh spill is from. Stop having your attention be over there on his behavior toward the woman. (sexy stuff) Don't chase down shiny thoughts down that path.

Bring your focus back over here. His behavior toward YOU. He fell short. You are disappointed. Acknowledged. Now let's move it FORWARD.

Perhaps that POV could help you sort your feelings out?

He's contrite and apologetic and nobody is perfect right out of the gate. Could learn from this, praise what was good -- HIM TELLING. Just point improvement for next time.

Could keep in the YUCKO (do not reccommend) or could move it FORWARD and could say something like...

Quote:
"Ok. I felt weirdness. Reasonable to feel after a ding. BUT.... You told me. This is GREAT. I want this. Do not stop the telling!

For improvements? Next time just tell faster, not 3 days later. BEFORE it happens for preference but at least aim for better than this first time out, ok? I can accept it takes times to learn new skills. Is that reasonable plan for getting it up to standard here? Can I do anything on my listening end to make telling easier for you? Are you willing to be on board with that "doing ok, let's improve" plan? "
Focus on what you want MORE of. Not what you do not want.

Basically I'm hearing you need your well being to be considered. Do this by -- Honoring agreements. Don't ding me intentionally. Don't ding me thoughtlessly either. CONSIDER ME.

It is the the need to be seen.

There's a reason that's on my own personal standard too.

I see you. You aren't suffering alone there. But move it forward with your honey there. Don't keep it stuck in the yuck. You can do this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-03-2013 at 03:05 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-04-2013, 01:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Maybe it would help you to define whether you are poly or open. The two can be quite different! Also, oftentimes people in established relationships stumble because of assumptions that they both had the same definitions and ideas about what they were embarking upon, when really their visions were different. What does opening up really mean to you and what does it mean to him?

If you have agreed just to be open and pursue others for a primarily sexual connection, there may be a different set of boundaries than if you choose to practice polyamory and pursue other people for more loving, committed relationships. For example, if poly perhaps there would be several "get to know you" dates and an emotional connection established before anyone's hands go down any pants. If you're okay with being just open, then you have to determine in what increments the steps to actual sexual activity should be.

More talking is in order, basically, before any further dalliances take place, I would say.
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