Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-03-2013, 08:01 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,353
Default

Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 04-03-2013, 08:37 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 755
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"
As he falls into an open manhole...

ANYhoo, as for resolving arguments, my partner is excellent about letting me vent if I need to, but encouraging me to talk with my metamour. We had a particularly dicey time where we had both hurt each other very much, and the poor guy heard it from both ends and just let us work it out. He has rarely ever vented about his OSO to me, however - only in very general terms about things that happened, and with caveats about how she was feeling at the time and all that, so he tries very much to not let his feelings at the moment pollute anyone else's feelings about the other.

Although sometimes I'm sure he'd like to crawl into one of those Acme Holes [tm] and just fold it up behind him...

(Why does this thread now leave me with Wile E Coyote on the brain?)
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 04-03-2013, 08:42 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,353
Default

Some days you're the head, other days you're the piano ...
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 04-03-2013, 09:22 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"
No i drop the anvils on others.

The refrigerator story is true; to an outside observer, it probably looked like an accident though.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:27 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,353
Default

When dropping anvils on people's heads, do you say "oops?"

I hope the fridge was still usable after that accident.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:36 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
When dropping anvils on people's heads, do you say "oops?"

I hope the fridge was still usable after that accident.
I say "you're welcome".

Yes, no appliances were harmed during the incident. I wouldn't call it an "accident" though... lol
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:50 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,353
Default

Creepy how similar incident and accident are spelled ... I'm sure it's just a coincidence though. Is an accident when someone says "oops," or is it still an incident if the appliance receiver says "thank you? (ahh, feels so nice, etc.)"
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 04-04-2013, 08:47 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I think the point of a "cool down" period mid-argument is to re-focus your thoughts without the spinning head and escalating emotions so you can approach the topic with a fresh view. It takes the confrontation out of your face so you can think clearly and stop accusing.

My husband is like your wife in that when something is bothering him, he likes to drive around and mull it over. Driving around gives him a chance to think about it by doing something basically mindless.

I don't see how having sex with someone else during that cool down period would help her mull things over. That's pure distraction.

It's not like her current method is to go out with friends and play cards or go to the bar, and now it's just a boyfriend instead of friends and sex instead of cards. Going to a boyfriend for sex instead of going out by herself for thinking time is completely different behaviour with accordingly different consequences.

For example, Boyfriend looks pretty darn good when the freshest memory of Husband is the heated argument. Repeat that enough times, you've got a recipe for Grass is Greener.

At the end of the day, you can't control her behaviour. If she's going to go have sex with her boyfriend to supposedly cool off, you can't really stop her. But I believe you would be justified in being bothered by that, and I see nothing wrong with letting her know that you'd prefer it if she stuck with the tried & true methods.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 04-04-2013, 09:28 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,353
Default

Well-stated; I agree.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-05-2013, 04:54 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,056
Default

Not exactly following all of the amusing Wile E. Coyote tangents, but...my experiences:

MrS and I usually see eye to eye...when we don't it ends up in a huge blow-out. This occurs once every two or three years. The second to last was the the worst (and was a direct result of my /jackassery/ with respect to Dude - you can read about it on my "Journey" blog here). When the last one (the first one since Dude came into the picture officially as a member of the household) happened, I literally could not relate to/interact with Dude in the slightest (I handled it quite badly - telling Dude to "get out"/"go home" - luckily he negotiated to stay, and actually sped up the resolution). This is not unusual for me - if MrS and I are not fundamentally "right" then my world is so askew that I can't really talk to/relate to anyone until it is resolved (I get through my day with the minimum of interaction with another living soul and then rush home to fret).

I "fight" with Dude on a much more regular basis (we are still learning how to do this). MrS is phenomenally awesome at being an "objective observer" - comforting without "taking sides", pointing out (gently) when I am being a complete ass-hat and pushing Dude's buttons, etc. (Often I am so touched by his concern about my damaging my relationship with Dude that the original argument is put into clear perspective.)

We all live together so out-and-out fights are highly visible - the "non-involved" person can hardly be unaware of the situation. If it is a "relating to one another issue" - i.e. personal - then MrS is very, very good at just letting Dude and I figure shit out (there has been one exceptional exception - when he thought that Dude had gone "too far" and was being disrespectful of me as a person...but that is a different story). Dude is not quite as good at this (possibly because it arises less often - he has an opinion on everything), so occasionally MrS and I have to tell him that this disagreement doesn't actually concern him and he can keep his opinions to himself). If MrS and Dude have an issue (rare, but it does happen - they are friends and metamours so their issues are not of the "lover" variety) - I tend to fret and worry and build myself into a high anxiety state... and pretend as though everything is fine...until they work it out.

For me, personally, if all is not well on my "relationship fronts" then sex is COMPLETELY out of the picture - I couldn't have sex with one if I wasn't "all good" with the other.

BUT we are all individuals...my responses are MY responses...YMMV.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-05-2013 at 04:58 AM. Reason: commas...gotta love 'em
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:41 PM.