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  #11  
Old 04-03-2013, 04:55 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Labels waste time.

I wish you the best of luck! (not sarcasm-sincerity)

I understand loving someone and choosing to let them go.
I will always love my ex-girlfriend. She'll have my heart for eternity.
But, she's so much happier without me and my life is better too.
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  #12  
Old 04-03-2013, 10:09 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Labels waste time.

I wish you the best of luck! (not sarcasm-sincerity)

I understand loving someone and choosing to let them go.
I will always love my ex-girlfriend. She'll have my heart for eternity.
But, she's so much happier without me and my life is better too.
Labels truly are a waste of time. I am happy and a weight has been lifted. I struck gold in the form of having peace. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to not have to sanction my time. I felt like a person on military time. I love my ex and wish her well, but I just want something different now. What was old and familiar is new and exciting. Thank you for the luck!
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #13  
Old 04-03-2013, 10:14 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just wanted to let you know I am rooting for you. I am sure this change in your dynamic, from poly to mono, needs just as much adjusting to, as it would if you'd been mono all along and were now opening up to poly. But I agree with you that there is no need for labels! Live each day as if it were your last, meaning make the most of it, and of being there for each other. As long as you both refrain from punishing yourselves and each other, and keep looking at your patterns of thinking and behaving, I think you will find much healing in this new place. I wish you both the best in renewing your commitments to each other. Step into your new adventure with wonder and respect. It is a metamorphosis. Love, love, love to you and Matt!
Aww. Thank you. It has been a unique transition. Matt was like so shocked that I was here when he came in from work. This used to be my weekly date night, so to be at home with the ones who love me caught him off-guard. The look on his face was too funny. I am loving this new journey. I am happier than I have ever been. I found peace and an insurmountable level of happiness. Feeling thirty shades of pretty damn awesome.
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Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #14  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:23 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
...

ETA: besides, FoL has said that she is not poly after all...

...even though that still doesn't mean the moderator said she shouldn't "be here".
Incorrect. I have chosen not to slap a label on myself like a can of soup. I believe in it. I practised and lived it. I believe you can love more than one person. I did it for years and have believed and did that since my teen years. It was not some experiment gone wrong. Poly is part of me but not the main thing that identifies me. I do not believe I have to have x amount of relationships to be happy. I guess my beliefs are different than most. I do not have the urge to seek something more or suppress this part of me to sustain happiness.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 04-06-2013 at 03:46 PM. Reason: cleaning up
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  #15  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:38 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I like you. I think you're a smart, interesting person.

What happened here is that your husband came on a board for poly relationships, said "i don't want to share my wife", and you caved, now you're monogamous. ...
You think you have it figured out? I did not cave for anyone. I have a brain of my own. I can formulate my own thoughts and opinions with no influence from others. My mother did not raise a sheep. Hubby was trying to find ways to work with me and enable my other relationship to continue. He tried to talk me out of ending it, but I had made up my mind. I can love someone, but that does not mean we need to be together. I did what needed to be done to be happy. It does not mean I am changing who I am. It just means I am changing the circumstances around me and involving me.

If I knew I was allergic to smoke, would I continue to stay around someone puffing on cigarettes? That would be stupid on my part. Teary eyes and an irritated throat. Not to mention second hand smoke. It should stand to reason that I need to make the circumstances better for myself. Could I sit there and pop allergy pills and put eye drops in? Sure but that would be like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound. I'd rather limit my contact and see the long-term benefits. In essence, what I have done now.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 04-06-2013 at 03:46 PM. Reason: cleaning up
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  #16  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:42 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Why don't you read what the moderator ACTUALLY SAID instead of what you think was "implied".. It was very clear what he said. You are making stuff up that isn't there. Do you do that in other areas of your life too, such as your career?
I read what was there. What I took from it was what I said. Feel free to exit. Your sarcastic replies are not needed or wanted. You instigate things and hope to stir up drama.
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  #17  
Old 04-04-2013, 05:22 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I apologize for creating a drama on your blog thread.
It is my understanding that the blog threads are meant to be a safe place to share our personal stories without debate.
It was not my intent to derail your thread.
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  #18  
Old 04-04-2013, 11:19 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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In my experience as practising poly, I am not entirely sure I learned anything beneficial that stuck with me. Outside of communicate, communicate, communicate, I have limited advice.

I will say that it is not for everyone. Opening a marriage or relationship can make a break you. I strongly discourage seeking someone to fix your marriage or to spice it up. I disagree with that. Fix your own problems and keep an innocent person's feelings out of it.

Be prepared to miss important things happening in each other's lives. There are only 24 hours in the day and with work, children, prior commitments, etc. just accept that there is only one of you. The heart may open and accommodate more. Time? No way. I spent most of my time in motion and never got the chance to slow down.

Accept that some people are not meant to be long-term. Cut it off at dating and move on. I am not an emotional person, so crying over someone I have known a couple of months. My feelings would not be that strong anyway.

Regardless as to how people try to invalidate your feelings, know that they are valid and deserve attention. Never let someone tell you that jealousy is foolish. You feel that way for a reason.

When you first open, people might run the opposite direction. Losing friends and family sometimes happens. My own mother was disappointed in me. She said that she and my father did not raise me to break my vows and to treat the sanctity of marriage like a fmeeting encounter. My MIL never accepted my ex. In her eyes, Matt was out of his mind for staying with me and defending me. In turn, they stopped speaking. Even when they made amends, she still did not accept my ex. If anything, her disdain kicked into high gear. Sending Christmas gifts and intentionally not sending one to her? It happened. Making dinner reservations for a certain amount of people and intentionally leaving her out? It happened all the time. Blackballing her from all family events including weddings, parties, holidays, etc. It happened. She was part of me and treated like the plague. Nothing prepared me for the harsh reality that what I believe in might cause issues with loved ones.

This might rub a few wrong, but take NRE with a grain of salt. You do not meet the real person for awhile. They send a representative on their behalf and show their true self down the line. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. People caught up in NRE have brains made of mush. I have seen people leave families because of being caught up in NRE. That does little to assuage the fears that some have about being replaced or abandoned.

Know that you are good enough and pretty amazing on your own. You do not have to be poly because your partner is either. Ten times to one, you will wonder why they need something more or why you are not enough. You could be everything he/she desires and has prayed to the God for, but they will still be looking for more.

If your relationship has issues or if you are already miserable, do not open. As a mother, I. have to say that during pregnancy and about the first year after are the worst times ever. A demanding newborn, unstable hormones, a partner caught up in NRE and having to balance day to day life means somebody is going to be left out in the cold. Your partner should not be off sexing the PYT while you are holding down the home while 8 months pregnant with 2 or more other demanding children in the house.

You have to consider others and what they want and need. I did not, and my husband left for a period of time. You have to be a good listener. Hear them out when they come to you. Avoid getting irritated. I do not care if you feel like he/she is a broken record. That means that you have done nothing to help them feel better or to reassure them. If you are like me, you might have heard it but did not process it or let it sink in.

I dislike this word because it never ends up fair for all. Compromise. Compromise on some things but know that having limits is perfectly acceptable. If your partner tells you, right now there is too much going on in our lives to add more people, respect that and understand that he or she is not trying to stifle your supposed needs to function. Later means later. Not never. If you have a poly-mono relationship going, accept that he/she gave up their beliefs system to have a relationship with you. The least you can do is slow your behind down and work with them to make sure they are comfortable and really ready for what this entails. Some people act like it is race or competition to get all you can while the getting is good. Slow the hell down.

When dating or trying to find people, understand this. Some people are just not okay with fucking married people or people in LT relationships. It is not the end of the world. Move on and learn from each experience. Groping and listening to Adele and lamenting over what never would have ever been anyway is pointless. Focus your efforts on finding like minded people.

Hmm. What else?

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-04-2013 at 11:24 AM.
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  #19  
Old 04-04-2013, 12:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Wow, This is all really good "poly" information ....thank you FOL.

If you don't mind I have a couple of poly related questions that you might cover elsewhere already but I dot remeber. Did your then gf ever have other partners ...outside of Matt recently.

And did you ever consider adding a third and possibly a fwb as a pose to bringing a child into it?

And lastly was family planning a joint discussion and a joint decision among two equal partners ?
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  #20  
Old 04-04-2013, 08:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I knew 2 was my personal limit, so I never sought anyone else. I knew I could not balance individual relationships, quads, and all that. In my world, there was just not enough time. My ex always had the option if she so desired. She elected not to. I was fine with that. I would have been fine either way, but I respected her wants.

I always wanted children, and I knew another person could not fill that spot in my heart. I wanted to feel life growing inside of me and get excited about the first kicks. I am more than elated that we waited until it felt right. I felt prepared even though it is always said that no matter how prepared you think you are, you will never be 100% ready.

Family planning was assumed to have been a three-way equal kind of deal, but Matt was never really all that on board with that notion. In our baby joy, we never stopped to carve out roles that additional parties would play in the upbringing of our children or in familial relations.

Prior to getting pregnant, I made her aware of my feelings and readiness to be a mother. Si was supportive. Looking back it reminded me of a question my mother asked me after Matt and I became engaged. She asked me if I would still marry him without her blessing, and it was a yes. The same applies. If she had not been accepting and supportive of my desire to bring a child into the world, I would have still done it.

They talked about having children. Her ovaries started twitching at the beginning of their relationship. I was not really okay with that idea. I made it known. I have always struggled with my morals and poly beliefs. Children fit into that because I believe that some things should stay within a marriage or between a couple. They decided against having children and that was that.

In our poly family, my ex was too involved or too close for Matt's taste. She had a say in all things pertaining to our children. From the root of assumption and the desire for equality my ex became a co-parent with veto power. All bad. Matt faded into black. he started feeling like he had no say regarding our children. This lead to problems.

I guess I should cover the family angle, too.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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