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Old 04-03-2013, 04:10 AM
leafbranch leafbranch is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Default our first time up to bat - strrrrrike!

my partner and i have been together and mushy gushy in love for 11 years. we decided to slowly, and with lots of communication, open things up four months ago. our agreements so far have been that beyond spontaneous dancefloor-type makeouts, we would inform each other ahead of time if we were making plans with people, talk about what we are comfortable with the other person Doing with them ahead of time, etc. i was the person who initially wanted to open things up. he told me four months ago he didn't anticipate wanting to exercise his new freedoms; i told him he might change his mind, and if that happened, keep me informed, and again, we discussed making sure we told each other about plans with others ahead of times. i can get used to this but i don't like being surprised.

wellllll guess what. i get a call (i'm out of town) and he tells me that three days prior, he 'let a girl take him on a date', and they fooled around.

i got off the phone because i got really upset - and my feelings about him fooling around with someone for the first time are really tangled up with my feelings about him breaking the one agreement i really stressed to him/not feeling heard - to let me know ahead of time if this kind of thing was coming down the pike. i am the one who wanted to open things up, but i also am adjusting, and i need time.

he's totally, totally owning that he acted impulsively, he feels awful, etc. this is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he's learning and messed up on his first venture and i know i need to be patient and forgiving but his TIMING right now is REALLY BAD.

i don't know if i need advice or what, i just needed to ramble to an understanding ear (many ears i'm really stressed in other aspects of my life right now and that's not helping.

when i think about his hands down another girl's pants, part of me is unaffected, happy for him even. but another part of me is paralyzed and terrified. i guess that's jealousy. so i've read articles on morethantwo.com and practicalpolyamory.com that have helped a bit. this -
I am a firm believer in the power of affirmative choice. Choosing to behave in the ways that a secure
and self-confident person behaves takes you closer to being secure and self-confident. There are
many tools that can help make those choices, but in the end those tools cant do the work for you; at
some point, it becomes necessary to make those choices and stand by them
- really resonates. there's a part that says, Fill in the blank: I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X, then _______________. and i'm trying to fill in this blank and i can't get any words out. i just know it makes me nauseous. even though INTELLECTUALLY, ETHICALLY, and in many ways EMOTIONALLY, it's actually FINE, and i'm excited for him. but it also made me pull my car over and throw up and now when i get back into town i'm scared to touch him, to be touched by him, even though i know, know, he's totally in love with me and wants to be with me.

anyone relate? please? is this going to go away? am i just adjusting to a new lifestyle or should i be listening to my gut?
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