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  #21  
Old 04-02-2013, 08:43 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Beautifully put.

You say things beautifully. Makes perfect sense to me.
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  #22  
Old 04-03-2013, 12:37 AM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
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Smile response to all comments

First I wanna say thank u all for ur responses. I was however very taken back by the first one. As if I wasnt depressed as it was that response made me feel more horrible about my self than ever. Let me clarify some things. I am not in control of anyone sex life. It was moreof being comfortable with it than anything. This is very new to us and for you to say the things you said was extremely hurtful to me. U saying triads doesn't work was not what I wanted to hear. I came here for support and that was the last thing I needed to hear. So please if u are not going to be suppostive and just tell me how I'm horrible and triads don't work. Then please do not comment on my posts. As far as our triad goes we are OK. We talked it through and we r ok. I want to clarify that our relationship is not all about sex. In fact we have only had "fun" with her once. Between us being out of town, all of is being sick, and the girls TOM it really hasn't happened. Which is OK. I just don't want people to think that's what it is. Am I insecure of my marriage? I don't think I am otherwise I wouldn't be OK with being in a poly relationship. I think it was more of a comfort Issue. I needed to feel comfortable them being alone and having sex. And I am OK with it. Just took me a bit to be ok with it. A lot of this was a communication issue. She let things bottle up till she couldn't take it anymore. She jumped to breaking it off before we talked through it. But that's exactly what we did. Talked through it. Now she knows how how I feel and most important I know how she feels. I couldn't be happier that I didn't loose her over this. In love her very much and was heart broken last night. But very happy that we are still together me and her went and had lunch together and it felt so good to be with her again. Its hard to that we live alittle far from each other. So when we get to see her we cherish every moment we get. Thank u again for your advice and look forward to continuing this awesome relationship with. My husband and awesome partner. I love u both very much
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  #23  
Old 04-03-2013, 02:14 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
U saying triads doesn't work was not what I wanted to hear. I came here for support and that was the last thing I needed to hear. So please if u are not going to be suppostive and just tell me how I'm horrible and triads don't work
I did not set out to hurt you, in fact I made sure to say I was actually toning it down for you and I hoped to help you see it from another point of view, but please, how am 'I' to know 'what you want to hear'? Am I a mind reader? Did you put in your OP, 'I only want to hear comments that make me feel happy and validated?' No, you didn't., And I think it is incredibly passive aggressive to then come back and say 'I did not like what you have to say, it is not supportive enough so don't bother!' You can't DO that and neither can you infer that I called you horrible, which I did not at any point do.
In my experience, triads are short lived and probably much more full of drama than most people can tolerate post NRE. Some last for a few years though and it is important for people to enjoy the relationships they have as individuals and not get so stuck into everything staying the same. Yes you need to hear it, you may not want to, but you need to.

And I wonder where amongst the two months you have been together, getting intimate once, sickness, long distance and familial responsibilities, you found the time to discuss moving in together? Do you understand at all why anyone would find that a little alarming?

So instead of indignation why not take responsibility for the situation you presented?

Natja
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  #24  
Old 04-03-2013, 03:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It sounded pretty final to me but alright... people can change their minds. I'm glad to hear you all arrived at a new understanding and came to new agreements to try.

Perhaps learning how to deal with conflict constructively could be something you all could talk about? GF bottling things up til explosion is not a healthy way to go. Could take this as opportunity to talk about healthier conflict resolution methods.

Could also take this as opportunity to stress that if things do not work out in the long run despite trying your new agreements on for a time? Let her know you prefer to be broken up with rather than "a cold drop" like that. That seemed to really bother you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-03-2013 at 03:06 AM.
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  #25  
Old 04-03-2013, 05:52 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
In my experience, triads are short lived and probably much more full of drama than most people can tolerate post NRE.
And in my personal experience triads can be long-lasting, low drama and are a wonderful way to live for all involved. But as in all relationships they require routine maintenance. It helps if the people involved have some life experience under their belts however and are realistic in their expectations. Compromises are inevitable.

I wish you the best of luck.
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  #26  
Old 04-03-2013, 06:09 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Grain of Salt - or a cupful when needed.

Hey AZ. Glad that you're all communicating, and that you feel more comfortable, and are happy with how things are moving forward. Just KNOW that you have a right to feel what you need to feel, and to ask for things to slow down or pause when you need them to. Your experience is just as important and valid as anyone's, and coming from a place of fear when moving things forward might not merit you the same happiness as waiting until you are truly ready.

You'll need to grow a thick skin on this forum. You'll also find friends who will support you and allow you to find your own way. You'll find the blog section of the forum must less peppered with "advice" that hurts, and more people just wanting to read and learn from your story. I have made true friends on this forum - you will find yours, so don't worry about the rest. They present a viewpoint, and while it's worth considering, the stuff that helps you find your truth is the most valuable of all. Don't take it personally - we're all strangers who know nothing about your life at present - and those that mind don't matter, and those that matter won't mind.

Cheers, and good luck on your poly journey.

northhome: Kudos to you & yours.
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  #27  
Old 04-03-2013, 08:26 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
And in my personal experience triads can be long-lasting, low drama and are a wonderful way to live for all involved. But as in all relationships they require routine maintenance. It helps if the people involved have some life experience under their belts however and are realistic in their expectations. Compromises are inevitable.

I wish you the best of luck.
I have yet to hear of one...wow, where are all these really long term FMF Poly-fi triads hiding? I wish they would just...pipe up.....

Good luck to you too whatever it is you do!

Natja
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  #28  
Old 04-03-2013, 11:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I have yet to hear of one...wow, where are all these really long term FMF Poly-fi triads hiding? I wish they would just...pipe up.....
I would venture to say that they are off living their quiet lives of happy triad lovingness. People tend to seek out internet forums when then are new to a concept or having trouble and seeking advice. Once they have stuff figured out many people turn their attention elsewhere. "Really long term FMF Poly-fi triads" would have less need to spend time talking about poly - they have figured out what works for them. (And, although our forum members would benefit from their experiences, they are not required to spend their time sharing that insight with the forums - that is their choice).

Also, it might be prudent to remember that the vast majority of poly/poly-practicing people are not even aware that polyamory.com exists (they may not know that the word "polyamory" exists). The members here (and other poly forums/RL meetups/etc.) represent a small sliver of the "poly" population - a self-selected sliver - i.e. internet-savvy, poly-identified people, who have chosen to seek out conversation/advice in a public forum. Your average "really long term FMF Poly-fi triad" which has been happily grooving along since the 1960s ...? Statistically speaking, they probably DO use the internet - to order organic seeds for their farm, research the latest solar panel upgrades, download Woodstock clips and pay their dues at the local co-op. (To the aging hippies in the crowd - this last part is tongue-in-cheek - I was born in the wrong decade, I'm describing my own modern-hippie dream here.)

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-03-2013 at 11:48 AM.
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  #29  
Old 04-03-2013, 11:55 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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LOL Jane, I am not talking only of Polyamory.com.

I DO associate in the offline Poly community you know?
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  #30  
Old 04-03-2013, 12:04 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
LOL Jane, I am not talking only of Polyamory.com.

I DO associate in the offline Poly community you know?
Yes (which is why I included "RL meetups, etc." in my post above). But, essentially the same argument exists. Again statistically speaking, MOST poly/poly-practicing people are not part of ANY "poly community" online or offline. (And might not identify as "poly" at all if their relationship developed before the 1990s, when the word was invented. Their relationship might just be this configuration that developed a long while ago - it works for them, they don't have to have a name for it.)

A "really long term FMF Poly-fi triad" is not likely to be part of offline poly communities either - for the same reasons. As they are "poly-fi" they are not looking for new partners, they wouldn't be looking for support and advice as to how to "do" poly because they are "doing" it just fine, etc. You wouldn't see them because they are busy doing other stuff (hobbies, careers, raising kids/grandkids, etc) poly would be a stable small part of their lives at that point. So, unless you happened to be friends with them in real life outside of a poly context AND they happened to disclose that to you, then you could be living next door to a "really long term FMF Poly-fi triad" and never know.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-03-2013 at 12:14 PM.
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