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  #11  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
I find that perspectives that speak from a place of judgement, anger and bigotry against any one particular "group" of people are often shrouded in misunderstanding. Opening a marriage is a particularly interesting experience for all involved; there is no one perspective that takes precedent over another in an equal, respectful relationship, and this includes the perspective of "single, bi-sexual women." Everyone has a voice, a perspective and something to offer each other that can help all involved to grow, evolve and learn about themselves, and the complexities of others.
Just my thoughts from a different side:

People think they are so YOONEEK, but in fact people are more alike than they want to admit. Yes, the minutiae and combination of circumstances may vary from case to case, but it is still easy to identify common behaviour patterns and point them out. This forum is very valuable for that. It's important to hear things you don't want to hear, and it's important to be able to tell people things they may not want to hear. If a person wants to have their dysfunctional relationships validated and enabled, it's obvious to me that there is plenty of that to go around. We need more straight-from-the-hip talk in the world, not less of it.

tl;dr Nobody is special.
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  #12  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Let's remove the third, and think about it without the wife involved. "If you don't sleep with me, I will break up with you." That is what has been put on the table. ... My feelings and needs are more important than anyone else's." Yikes. Yikes indeed.
Um, no, that is NOT what the OP said. Let me refresh your memory:

Quote:
So me and my husband have had a gf for 2 months. We are all starting to fall in love with each other. talking about moving in together and everything. till last night our world came crashing down. last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this. this totally came out of no where. talking some more she told us that she is having a hard time that she and him cant have intiamte "alone" time and me and he dont have alone time. she thinks i dont trust her to have alone time with him. its not that i dont trust them. i let them go out on a date every week and im ok with that. as far as having sex without me. its not that im not ok with it im just not comfortable yet. me and him have been together for 12 yrs and married 10 yrs. im just working up to letting them be alone together. is that wrong of me to feel that way? im feeling extremly guilty, and sad. i dont want to loose her i love her very much. and my husband does too. i told him that he can have sex with her without me. i dont know if im 100% ready but for the sake of our relationship im going to be ok with it. she feels that its not fair that i get to have sex with him without her. and i get it shes right. so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her. what do i do? was i wrong? :'(
show me where it says that the girlfriend gave that ultimatum. It does not say that ANYWHERE. The post is full of "i told them they can" and "I let them", nowhere does it say that the girlfriend said "you better or else". It reads as though the girlfriend thought about it and made her decision and told them what it was because she was dealing with it like a mature adult who is responsible for her own "baggage" (lol) and knows that she can't control other people but can control her own self.

So while you're talking about (not) judging people, how about reading what they write and responding to that instead of making up stuff about someone who isn't even here to give their side of the story? Yikes, indeed.
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  #13  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:58 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Implications

My observations came from these sentences:

"last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this."

"i dont want to loose her i love her very much."

"so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her."

Clear that the relationship is in jeopardy if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband.
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  #14  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:59 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
DATING is dating. Not all dating partners are destined to be a long haul runner.
True, very true...
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  #15  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:01 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
My observations came from these sentences:

"last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this."

"i dont want to loose her i love her very much."

"so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her."

Clear that the relationship is in jeopardy if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband.
YES, but OP does not say that girlfriend said "you better or else".. You're adding things to the story. She had already made her decision, and told them what it was. That is not an ultimatum, it is not manipulative. If you think it is, well, that helps explain why you don't like the way I communicate.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-02-2013 at 07:04 PM.
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  #16  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:07 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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BG, thanks for pointing some things out. It feels very disingenuous to me when people ignore obvious patterns, it is allowable amongst people who have not have any experience though. Mind you, it is most vexing amongst those who have had some and yet instead of realising that the seat of the stool is broken, they just keep changing one of the legs.
If you get my very bad analogy.

Last edited by Natja; 04-02-2013 at 07:21 PM.
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  #17  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:31 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default If this.. then that...

So if it is not an implication that the relationship is over if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband, how is it that it's an implication that she could do this if she did get one-on-one sexy times with the husband. Is it not one and the same? If the relationship is over if she doesn't get that, but isn't over if she does get it, how is it not an ultimatum?

Ultimatum: "A final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations."
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  #18  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:38 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
So if it is not an implication that the relationship is over if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband, how is it that it's an implication that she could do this if she did get one-on-one sexy times with the husband. Is it not one and the same? If the relationship is over if she doesn't get that, but isn't over if she does get it, how is it not an ultimatum?

Ultimatum: "A final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations."
Except at no point did the gf say 'or else' Boringguy is correct in that, she (the gf) stated that she is ending it and when asked she said why. That is stating a fact, not giving an ultimatum.
In fact the OP also said
Quote:
i told him that he can have sex with her without me.
Note: Him, her husband, there is no evidence yet that the gf has even been told this has been decided. There is no ultimatum.
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  #19  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:42 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default We'll see...

My opinion of whether it's an ultimatum or not has little to do with the OP's happiness. The truth of her challenge is that she is up against something she doesn't feel ready for, and that's where my concern lies.
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  #20  
Old 04-02-2013, 08:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I do not perceive "ultimatum." Why? GF is ALREADY gone. It's just " We are broken up. I am GONE." It isn't fun news to digest, but when I read this....
"last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this."

"i dont want to loose her i love her very much."

"so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her."
Here's what I get when I sort into piles.

GF Behavior:
  • last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this.
  • she just broke if off before talking it over with us (and giving us a chance to try to talk to try to meet her needs.) <-- that last bit is my perceived implication. OP could clarify what OP's perception is. But I perceived that she's disappointed TWICE. 1) That GF broke up. 2) That GF broke up like THIS.

Bottom line Conclusion: GF is still gone.

OP Emotional information:
  • "i dont want to loose her i love her very much."
  • "so now im here hurt
  • scared and sad we are going to loose her."

Conclusion:
GF LEFT already.

OP could be in shock/denial stages of grief since this just happened last night and writing emotional things from that shocked place. With a present tense still because it takes time to start writing about it in the past tense. It also takes ACCEPTANCE.

OP has work through the stages of grief to arrive at "acceptance." OP cannot instantly ACCEPT a loss all the way down to the bottom. Nobody can.

I perceive that as the OP's challenge right now. Mourning loss in appropriate ways. It's not about hubby sex with the GF -- cuz there is no GF here any more. What is here is sadness, grief, loss.

I perceive there's some glimmers of the "bargaining stage" there with offering to DH (who is still here, because the GF herself is GONE) that he could have sex with her alone and OP would suck it up for the sake of the polyship to continue because she does not want it to be over. But it IS over... and I would caution against making offers like that just to have it "not be over" so as not to have to deal with yucky grief feelings. Rather than making that offer from a healthier place of "I'm ready for this change now."

OP needs comfort. So I tried to comfort. It is nothing OP did or did not do. It's ok for people to want different speeds of sexual unfolding. I myself prefer a slower speed. It is ok for OP to want slow. It is ok for GF to want whatever speed she wants in her polyships. That these things do not line up for it all to coexist in THIS polyship harmoniously? Not compatible. That's dating for ya. Not all dating partners are destined for long haul compatible.

Hang in there, OP. It's hard to feel but you will feel better in time. You will feel a lot of things in navigating the stages of grief and maybe wibble up and down. People don't go through the stages in a straight line. But you will arrive in good time. Take all the time you need.

Do your self care. Encourage DH to do his self care -- he will mourn loss for a time also. Maybe monitoring yourself traveling through the stages could be somewhat reassuring because though this is a Dark Time for you, you have a rope to lead you out again?

One stage at a time. You will get there. Hold on.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-02-2013 at 09:06 PM.
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