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Old 04-02-2013, 05:02 PM
raingirl31 raingirl31 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4
Default Long time lurker, first time poster (I think?)

I've lurked here on and off since joining in 2009. I can't recall if I posted then as I haven't been here in a few years. I may have but a lot has changed....

DH and I are considering poly. DH is bi, I'm hetero. Recently we've been going to counselling and working out some things and I think we both agree that we love each other and want to build a life together, but there are some things that we aren't getting and can't get from each other. Which is ok, and it took me some time to understand that. For example, we can't sleep in the same bed/room at this time as he is a very heavy, loud, and mobile sleeper (think Lord of the Dance while laying down). I'm a light sleeper who wants pitch black, pure silence, no movement. It sucks but what can you do if you need sleep?

I've read a LOT about poly for years, but the stumbling block we have right now is...we are doing fertility treatments (part of why our relationship is on the rocks - infertility can kill any relationship). The rules for clinics where we live is that we have to be in a strict mono relationship and we have to sign agreements that we are, just because they are working with our bodily fluids and for infectious disease control reasons, etc. I totally understand and respect this, since it's a delicate situation dealing with embryos and such, especially since the lab works with other couples...materials, we don't want to jeopardize the safety of anything for anyone. I mean, we would be 100% safe but still...can't risk it considering we signed agreements.

Therefore, for us to consider going poly at all, it means giving up any further fertility treatments and just trying on our own. We've been trying for 6 years unsuccessfully and I'm 35 so at some point we have to decide if it's worth any more time, energy, stress, heartache, etc to continue. I want a child more than anything in the world and my heart breaks every day just thinking about it. That's why it's hard to just give up.

The reason I'm back here is...well...I've found a man that I could easily be poly with. He's poly-friendly (never done it though) and is ok with me being married. DH has had a few low level encounters with some men so far as well (just making out), but I think he's still not comfortable with the jealousy issue and I'm not sure he would be ok with me and another man, even though I'm ok with him seeing another man/woman. This man is actually an old friend (known 6 years) that I've recently become more chatty with and closer to (haven't done anything though). The one thing that really makes me fall for this guy is that he would also be willing to father a child with me if I wanted as he knows my fertility struggles. He always wanted to be a father but never got the chance.

Any suggestions on how I should bring this up? We see our fertility doctor in 2 weeks and are doing one more round of IUI/fertility (insemination) in May. That will be our 5th try after seeing 3 doctors and having two surgeries (and 4 miscarriages). If we want to go farther for IVF, we will need to save for a year or two anyway so would be taking a break.

Sorry, I know this is long. I'm just not sure how to approach it with DH. I mean, we talk about poly, but it's always been a "if we give up on having a baby" thing, which I'm not really ready to do. I don't want to leave DH and we love each other and have a great time. But I'm afraid to bring this up as I think he will take it negatively. But I'm missing something and I really think I'm falling for this other man as well.
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