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Old 04-01-2013, 06:21 PM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Location: Blue Ridge, GA
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Default I feel so confused.

Backstory: I am in a relationship with Ben(3yrs) and a few months ago seriously considered a 2nd relationship with Jose(guy at work). Well, after several months of being led on, he came clean and said that his wife had left him and now he was going back to his country. I cried. He left. I never heard from him after that.

Today(4/1/13): Jose shows up at my door in some big ass suv with a big stupid grin on his face. I take one look at him and I just go back inside. I texted Ben and let him know what happened, and according to Ben, Ben seen Jose coming to my house and Jose said he was looking for someone else and as soon as Ben left the mobile home park, Jose knocks on my door.

1) I am not okay with how he lied to me and now Ben.
2) Just looking at him, all those old NRE feelings crept up and just kicked me in the stomach.
3) at the same time, I felt really hurt because of all the lying and deceit that he put me through. I was very upfront with Jose about a lot of things, and I never lied to him, yet all I got from him was stolen kisses and freely given lies.

And all of this wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already found another really great guy to fill the position of SO#2. Well, actually, yeah it'd still be just as bad.

I want to talk to Jose and I wouldn't mind rekindling the small friendship that we had, but I'm not sure if I could trust him anymore.
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  #2  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:05 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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What's to be confused about? Jose showed you who he truly was. Someone who lies to get what they want. So now that he has shown you who he really is, believe him. He hasn't changed - otherwise he would not have lied to Ben.

If you want to preserve a 'hi, how are you?' kind of thing when you run into each other, I don't see why not. But I need to trust my friends as well as my lovers.

There are plenty of poly fish in the sea. You will meet others interested in you, and willing to be open and honest themselves.
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:31 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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1) Could choose to tell him that rekindling a romance is off the table. You didn't enjoy lies and don't appreciate new lies now. He will go away. Feelings that follow? Your NRE feelings will die down to a more tolerable level because you are not stirring them up. Then you can feel comfortable in yourself again.

2) Could choose to reopen that door and rekindle romance, knowing the past and take the risk that NOTHING will change in Jose's objectionable behaviors.

3) Could choose something else I cannot think of right now.

4) Could choose to do nothing and just let the confusion feelings blow on through.

5) Some mix and match thing of the above.

You decide when you are ready what you want your next behavior to be.

What more is there? You choose the things in your life. Try to choose well, and choose what is best for your long term health and well being. Only you know what that is.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-01-2013 at 07:39 PM.
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:52 PM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Default

I talked to my mom and she said to just forget about it.

"Could choose to tell him that rekindling a romance is off the table. You didn't enjoy lies and don't appreciate new lies now. He will go away. Feelings that follow? Your NRE feelings will die down to a more tolerable level because you are not stirring them up. Then you can feel comfortable in yourself again."

I agree with this. When he left the first time the feelings and sad that I felt went away. I found other things to focus on. I learned of a tv show that filled that void and it changed me a lot and I do try to smile more, in fact I smile a ton more. <- see? i mean it.

I do have a guy that I am talking to who is pretty awesome and he is cool with me and Ben, and everything.

I guess I thought with him showing up, things changed, but they didn't. Well, since this is the case and I appreciate the replies, I am off to watch my show and get all happy again. <3
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Good you talked to someone you trust in RL like your mom and made a choice.

Just because you feel something (ex: initial attraction) doesn't mean you have to deepen it or cultivate it.

Go for what you really want in relationship partners -- if you want a non-liar, go for a non-liar.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-02-2013 at 12:49 AM.
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  #6  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:37 AM
snowbunnie snowbunnie is offline
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Location: Blue Ridge, GA
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I am

A few weeks ago Ben got his tax return, well we took it and he bought me a motorcycle and I met Jason the sales guy. I kinda assumed he was taken because he's really handsome. I bought my bike and went on my merry way, excited to have a shiny motorcycle to play with.

Well last week I posted(with little hope for success) on Craigslist looking for friends for possible relationship, and I explained that I was poly and blah blah blah. Well Jason my sales guy responded! He is really awesome and I am learning more and more about him everyday and I don't feel that "crazy fast ohmaigerd i love you" feelings. I care a lot about him, and tonight I've spent my night googling his medical problems and now i'm just more worried about him x.x but i guess he's made it this far, but! i digress. I am really sure that he and I will form a more close relationship as time goes by.
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