The gods must be crazy
I've got a thread over in the poly relationships forum, but I just discovered this section and I think I'd prefer to tell my story here.
My husband Q and I have been together for 7 years, married 5. He was my first, well, everything, sexually, beyond second base. When I get interested in something, I research the hell out of it, which lead me to the Sex is Fun podcast, which led me to Poly Weekly. I listened to at least a hundred of those, not with the intent of being poly, but because I was interested and I love the open communication. I told Q then that I would be open to talking about opening our relationship. Neither of us had anyone we were interested in, but we agreed that we'd talk about it if someone came up.
He's only been with a handful of women, and only two PiV. He has a son with that ex. My stepson (Loki) lives with us and has since shortly after our wedding.
The emotions of being a stepparent can be very similar to the ones dealt with in a polyship. You have to share your SO's time and resources, you don't necessarily like the person(s) you have to share with, etc. There can be jealousy, envy, feelings of neglect, etc. We went through all of them. I adore my stepson, but it was HARD to go from a relationship of mostly just the two of us to sharing each other with another person (albeit, a 4-year-old boy).
I truly believe I did a lot of the emotional work that would lead to my being okay with poly then.
Q is a flirt, and always has been. Last week though, he told me that his flirting with our friend Miss M had gone from casual to...with intent? She had pulled him aside and asked him how inappropriate they were being and if she needed to back off. That's when Q told her about our agreement. He said he'd have to talk to me, and they left things there.
When he brought it up with me, I was a bit shocked; after all, it had never actually come up in the 7 years we've been together. I told him that I needed to sort through a bunch of feelings and that I wasn't saying "no," just saying "wait."
He and I texted all day (because, of course he had waited until 30 minutes before I had to be at work to bring it up ) and I felt...mostly okay with moving things forward, but slowly. Miss M and I texted a bit too. I immediately looked up which books were most recommended, and bought Opening Up that night.
Thursday, I started texting in earnest with Miss M. Neither one of us have done anything like this before, and we both felt better talking about things, though it was, in her words, "new frontiers in awkwardness!" I've agreed to loan her Opening Up as soon as Q and I are done with it. She and Q set up a date for last night. It was agreed that there would be no sex (intercourse) among a few other minor agreements. I asked Q to text me to check in, and I brought Ativan to work with me in case I needed it.
Everyone had a lovely night, and I didn't have any feelings that I needed to work through. At the time, anyway! She had posted on her Facebook that she had no plans for Easter and didn't want to be alone today, so I impulsively texted her that she was welcome to hang out with us. Eventually she told me that she was afraid of the awkwardness between her and I. I understand that; I was just in a hurry to push through that. I did apologize; it's ironic that I asked her to work at my pace and didn't respect her right to do the same.
She and Q are seeing each other tomorrow night again, while Loki is at his grandma's for the night. They've discussed her testing status, and agreed to use condoms with spermicide, and will likely be having sex tomorrow (tonight?). I'm 95% sure I'll be fine. I have asked that he not spend the night. I won't be at work, and I don't want to be alone all night.
That was really long. Welcome to my little drama if you made it through that, and if not, that's okay! I think it helped me to type it out.
Me: 30yo wife
Q: 29yo husband of 5 years
(The Divine) Miss M: 27yo mutual friend, GF of Q just recently