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Old 03-31-2013, 11:03 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 483
Default How to break the cycle of insecurity and reassurance

I could use some perspective.. sorry if the story is long, the emotions all seem so complicated that they need a lot of explaining.

A little background: my BF Curlz and I have been together for 14 months. For most of this I've been his only partner (he was with someone when I met him, but she broke up with him soon after).

I am married, and have another partner, and recently started seeing someone in a FWB type of arrangement. So the balance has been way off, and there have been times I felt he was too dependent on me, and I was hoping he'd find another partner.

He met someone in the fall, first he said they would just be friends, but they grew closer and last week they slept together for the first time. He's not head over heels, but is definitely enjoying the attention, the connection, and the physical part of this new relationship.

I'm a mess. I can't stop thinking that she will replace me. She lives in his town, I live 2 hours away. He and I were fluid bonded, but he had unprotected sex with her (he told me right away, and we had no 'rule' about this, except that he would tell me if he did this). So he is now fluid bonded with her, and she wants a mono relationship, and he says he doesn't, and he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, and he hasn't answered the text I sent him last night, and yesterday when I saw him and was in his arms I felt completely secure and reassured of his love, and now I'm a mess and think he's forgotten all about me. It doesn't make sense, but panic rarely does does it?

How do you get to the place where you don't need the reassurance? Where you can feel safe in the love you give and receive? The fear of losing him is so strong, and even remembering his embrace from yesterday isn't helping. I know why it isn't helping, because I've been struggling with low self esteem issues and insecurity issues my whole life and I know there is no amount of words form other people who can help you fill that void inside of you.

Another question is how much can I ask of him? I'm on new territory here. Since going poly (4 years ago) this is only the second time I've experienced another partner finding another love. When my husband met his GF, they saw each other all the time, he was deep in NRE, but after each date he came home and we had the possibility to reconnect. C lives 2 hours away and I don't know what he's doing, which is making my imagination go insane. Can I ask him for more regular moments of contact, without seeming needy or clingy (well I guess I really am needy and clingy - the question is how much of that do I show him?)

Or should I just try to be really brave, not ask him for anything more than he's already giving, not contact him, try to have faith?
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 years
Bo - BF of 1+ year
Lou & Jane - Ren's girlfriends
Lin - Bo's other GF

Last edited by Cleo; 03-31-2013 at 11:23 AM.
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