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  #41  
Old 01-09-2010, 04:30 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by purpledreamer View Post
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt everytime he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsbility also to not do this.
Or is the responsibility really HIS?

I guess I ALWAYS have the responsbility to myself to do what I feel is right..
Looks like you've answered your own question. Ultimately you have to do what will make you happy and healthy over the long haul. Moments of joy will not sustain you if you are overwhelmed by moments of pain as well. The balance has to be tipped in my opinion. Eventually any pain, uncertainty and fear have to diminish in any relationship in my opinion. How could it be healthy otherwise? Comfort but not complacency.
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  #42  
Old 01-09-2010, 06:22 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Yeah, went through trying to deal with the possibility that she could just declare monogamy on a whim and it'd be all over, I couldn't deal---which is why I came up with rules outlining what I can and can't deal with in a relationship, and if someone can't deal with that, or there's some conflict with the terms their partner has in order for her to feel secure- well, then we can be friends but we can't have a romantic or sexual relationship at this point in time.

If she's showing this much uncertainty, I'd want to wait for a few weeks or months to see if she gets to a more stable point.
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  #43  
Old 01-09-2010, 02:47 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by purpledreamer View Post
But I think it has come to this.
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt everytime he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsbility also to not do this.
Hi Dreamer,

Well, I personally do like and agree with where you seem to have settled on this. It's always a challenge when we sit back and connect to the concept that we're trying to live in a way where we bring the greatest good to those we interact with and minimize any harm. Sometimes it seems we end up in a position of having to sacrifice our own wants and dreams for that to happen. That moral responsibility you speak of. It's often only much later - months, years etc - that the pieces fall into place and we TRULY grasp what the real lesson & need was at a given point in time. But that's no consolation at the time But for me, I've discovered, like so many other things, it does get easier with practice. We seem to be faced with that dilemma more & more as we broaden out.

Best wishes.

GS
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  #44  
Old 01-10-2010, 06:10 AM
TexasBorn21 TexasBorn21 is offline
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Default It is Important to me to be Friends

I have been in the unique relationship for almost 5 months now..And it is very important to me that I am friends with his wife, because She is an important part of his life also. I also am new to this, and I really want it to work for all of us..The other night we all went out to dinner, a more relaxed atmosphere helped all of us realize what the common ground was, His wife and I email and talk on the phone once in a while. I think He is getting more used to having a wife and a girlfriend and the friendship we have begun to forge with each other.
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  #45  
Old 01-10-2010, 02:46 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by TexasBorn21 View Post
I have been in the unique relationship for almost 5 months now..And it is very important to me that I am friends with his wife, because She is an important part of his life also. I also am new to this, and I really want it to work for all of us..The other night we all went out to dinner, a more relaxed atmosphere helped all of us realize what the common ground was, His wife and I email and talk on the phone once in a while. I think He is getting more used to having a wife and a girlfriend and the friendship we have begun to forge with each other.
TexasBorn21, I am very glad that it is working for you - sounds like there are some healthy lines of communication there - doesn't make the problems go away but it definitely makes them easier to resolve when they come up. I have certainly found that in my own experiences.
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  #46  
Old 01-11-2010, 02:06 PM
juliepatchoulie juliepatchoulie is offline
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This was very brave-this share- and what it sounds like(especially when you say his wife is getting used to him having a wife and a girlfriend) lets all be sophisticated about these relationships-and what seems to happen is the male is getting all thses 'perks' from this much the way an old school typical European male has in his relationships.....I must ponder all this to put it into words because something just doesn't 'feel' right and yet I cannot put my finger on it. Personally, I would play with dude for awhile and then make him pay bigtime....and no regrets because you shouldn't be treated like that. l8tr
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  #47  
Old 01-11-2010, 02:12 PM
juliepatchoulie juliepatchoulie is offline
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Sometimes it isn't simply about sex-it's about intimacy-and as long as he is with you he is emotionally unavailable to her and she has probably seen this because body language doesn't lie.....and I know I seem cynical in my replies...it's just that I am such a realist about stuff like this plus I am older.
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  #48  
Old 01-23-2010, 02:27 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
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Default Its all over

Hi everyone,
My relationshp with IamWhoIam ended about 2 weeks ago as a result of all I have posted about not getting resolved on their end, and other factors.

My SO decided to be dishonest with me,and continues to be dishonest with his primary gf, and he also chose to pursure a 4th sexual/intimate relationship while all this drama was going on. I would have thought he would choose to put his energy into working on the relationships he currently had, instead of starting up another...but I guess his new toy seemed like more fun than us old toys..
He also did a few things to show to me how little he cared about me or our relationship and when I told him I was unsure I was, he reacted with complete indifference to my feelings. It was all my fault basically, and he shouldnt need to 'prove' anything. So basically throughout the next week he treated me with similar disinterest. Didn't make any effort to help me feel loved or supported. Just left me to be and deal with everything alone.

I made the decision that this was not a rewarding and supportive relationship for me, and made the decision to end it. Which was hard as I love him so much.
He now maintains that he does care for me a lot. But it seems that he only ever wants to show this when I've pulled away or tried to end things. I'm not sure if he only wants me now, because he can't have me. I guess it makes not difference anyway as I'm moving on with my life.
I hope to maintain a friendship with him, as he really is an amazing person. I've got a lot of forgiveness to do though.. I'm feeling very hurt and let down.

I don't think I will actively seek out polyamorous relationships in the future. I will be open to them if thats what happens, however I really feel like I need a rest now, from dealing with, not only my own relationship, but the constant dramas of IamWhoIam's other relationships. Maybe I am being unfair to Poly, and this is more specifically related to the individuals involved in these particular poly relationships. I just feel so relieved to be off the rollarcoaster ride. To not have to worry about my life be dictacted by someone who doesn't even want to be a part of my life. It just seems so easy and uncomplicated to imagine a two person relationship and just looking at each others needs...
Although I never imagine I will live in a bubble in a two person monogomous relationship... Poly has certainly burst some bubbles for me (in a great way!)

Thanks again for all your interesting thought and advice on this forum. IT has certainly helped me throughout my journey!
Love *PD*
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  #49  
Old 01-23-2010, 04:37 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Take care, PD

Mono
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  #50  
Old 01-23-2010, 01:24 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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PD, I'm sorry that it didn't work out and that you had to go through this rollercoaster ride. I can understand that this would result in you having a bad association with poly. I tell people that just because someone is poly doesn't mean they automatically know how to do good, healthy relationships - and it sounds like he might have been a bad example, at least in this context.

I am glad that the experience opened up some preconceived ideas that you had and I hope that, once the pain and grieving has subsided, you will see some positives that have come out of this.

I wish you luck.
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