Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-28-2013, 02:48 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

THANK YOU nycindie and JaneQSmythe for sharing your personal perspectives. I often write when my moods are tumultuous. Usually I keep this writing to myself or share with only one or two people. Mostly this is because my perspective can be wildly misleading at such times - a speck is a mountain, a shadow is eternal night - and I am at once expressing those surging emotions as well as trying to unpack what's triggering me. The mess of it can come out, in writing, as overly dramatic (I think). As if my whole world actually revolves around this issue. But anyway, I'm glad this time that I vented on my blog here because both of your stories have helped me clear pathways through the shrubbery of what I am experiencing.

I had a great trip away with Ocean, the last few days. We both needed it, individually and as a couple. He unfortunately had a tense situation with Menrva just before we left, which coloured the holiday a bit. Not much, but he was a little strained from it. They only managed to sort things out once we got back into town yesterday. Poly makes for some inconvenient timing sometimes. You need the ability to be patient, strategies to put off, as painlessly as possible, dealing with things, until you can. Holding patterns.

Re: sex with Ocean, I had to get honest with what I wanted. I wanted to want him like I used to. I wanted him to want me. I wanted us to make fireworks in bed, have to drag ourselves away to daily tasks. Not the other way round, not sex being a task we have to complete so we can feed crumbs to our skeletal libidos.

Trying to feel desire that you don't feel is, to me, a foolhardy goal. It was easier for me to resent Ocean's frequent lack of desire for me than admit my frequent lack of desire for him.

Surely I couldn't be the problem - I love sex! I'm having heaps of it. When the other person really wants me, I'm on fire. It must be something about him not wanting me enough. (These weren't my actual thoughts, but it was how I seem to have been unconsciously framing the issue to myself.)

A change of perspective (similar to JaneQSmyth's) is really helping me.

Ocean and I talked about being more at peace with the way we're intimate at the moment. We made a commitment to being as open and generous as possible, if one of us is in the mood. And to be upfront and direct about our desires.

So yes. Pouncing will happen.

And yes. What we have is so good, most definitely enough.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2013, 12:42 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

Dropped in to see Grotto at his place last night. "I have a confession to make," he said. "I've read your blog."

Ohhhh dude. The thought of it sucked the life out of me.

Yesterday evening I was at a dinner til late, and wasn't replying to texts. The dinner started at 6pm but went on til nearly midnight. I'd said to Grotto that it shouldn't go on too late and would get in touch with him afterwards to see if there was time to meet him. He'd gotten worried, and then thought I might not be doing okay, so he checked my blog (on here). Then read through it all.

We'd talked about the blog before, and decided (at his suggestion) that I keep this space for me, my own private thoughts. Although of course it is a public blog, he thought it would be better if my partners didn't read it so I didn't have to consider them when I wrote. And since then, I've written as if it's my own sandbox. Not holding back. Ah, love...

I didn't feel betrayal or upset that he read the blog after agreeing not to. I guess that is an issue but I was truly not bothered by that aspect. I know he loves me, and I trust him... he did it out of a compulsion, coming from a place of care, and then got hooked I guess. I know what that's like. Plus he 'fessed up straight away. So, for whatever reason really, I wasn't angry at him for 'breaking my trust' or whatever.

What I did feel was intense, overwhelming... shyness? Shame? Embarrassment? I was struggling for the words, but it was huge and I didn't enjoy it.

While I was taking some time out to process, his flatmate Patch came over and chatted with me. I told him roughly what had happened, that I was sorting through emotions... P suggested maybe it was that I felt "exposed," which fit better than other words I'd been thinking of, but still didn't quite get at it.

It felt awful, though, whenever I turned my mind to it. I told Grotto it didn't bear thinking of. My mind kept tripping on particular posts, things I'd said, the ways I'd said them, and I drowned in the shame. Not shame that I had written those things, but shame that Grotto (someone who knows me, knows the circumstances, knows the people involved, etc) had read it. He knows the turns of phrase, my inner fucked-uped-ness, the gross, childish fantasies that I've constructed out of the scrap paper reality of my relationships.

Oh, it's not so bad, right?

I imagined if he had asked first. I probably would have been very very very shy and awkward, but let him read (in the end.) So now it was as if, him having read it first, I was getting all the shyness in a giant ball post-fact. Here, baby, have some nausea.

My upset over this was making Grotto sad. He said "sorry" over and over. Said he wished he hadn't. Was beating himself up. We needed to talk.

In bed, I try again to explain what I'm feeling. He can see I'm affected, but isn't exactly sure why. Hmm.

I say, "you know how some people sing in the shower, just by themselves? And are really shy of singing in public? I guess I feel like that person, if they realised they'd been overheard. That someone had been outside, listening, the whole time. Mortified."


"Yes! That, exactly."

We talk some more. He told me he loved the way I wrote, and he was scared that I would stop writing. I said, as long as he didn't keep reading, I wouldn't be changing the way I wrote. I do trust him, and nothing's really a secret from him, so it's not actually huge harm if he reads. (Though, there really could have been some secrets, about other people, on here. Thankfully not.)

Hearing he liked my blog helped ease my panic a little. I wondered if it would help to feed myself more positive comments. My mood was weighed down by so many specific bits of the blog I was shy about. The names I'd picked for people. My optimism, my devastation, my hopes, my whimsy. I wanted to move on, but felt stuck.

So I asked him to indulge me in an experiment. Can we apply the democratic process to our emotions? If there is x amount you are feeling shit about, can you counter that with y amount of counterbalance? "Tell me more," I said, "more about what you liked about what you read." Eep! So shy! I cuddled into him hard.

He told me he could hear my voice, it was like listening to me talk. He could tell I had a lot of love for all the people involved, and that shone through. That particular phrases struck him for their poetry. That my joy was a joy to experience.

Yes, this is working. I do feel better.

"It's like hearing someone sing in the shower and telling them afterwards they have a beautiful voice. I know you still feel mortified about it, but you do have a beautiful voice."

I love you, Grotto. If you're still reading - fuck you, seriously But. I love you.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2013, 01:31 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

The post I intended to write today, before I got derailed by Grotto's confession:

I have a plump envelope ready to post to Djuna. It's been a long time coming; one of the letters I wrote in January, oops. A recent e-mail from her had a nudge about it. Shit, just realised I still haven't told her about Plinth. Next time we Skype, gotta do this.

Plinth isn't doing too well at the moment, dealing with some volatile head weather. I'm not close enough to him (well, we don't have the history) for me to be a Known Shoulder to lean on, though I have said I'm here to listen if he needs to, massage, whatever. Hope to catch up with him over the next few days. Whatever's going on can't be helped by his job situation at the moment. He does shift-work (manual labour, mmmmmmm, his sweat is so delicious, ah, where was I? oh yeah.) Recently they've been cancelling shifts on him at the last minute, or calling him up then sending him home after his minimum hours. Really not worth waking him up at 4am for, poor dude. He's looking for another job.

Meanwhile, the apartment Ocean and I are staying at has gone to month-by-month lease. It's a tad expensive, even for the area, and we've been considering moving. As it happens, new flatmates at Plinth's house dropped out at the last minute, and they are looking for replacement housemates asap. Plinth mentioned it to us, and Ocean thought he might see if that would work for him.

This triggered a couple of responses from the 'metamour' department.

Grotto: shaken by the thought of me moving in with Plinth, when I'm not living with him (Grotto). Though I'm moving to a new city in two weeks, for six months, he was thinking what happens when I get back into town. More things to unpack here. Living arrangements are a work in progress for us. Officially I still live with Ocean. We've toyed with the idea of living together the three of us (probably in the context of a large share-flat scenario), but we're not there yet. I stay at Grotto's 2-3 nights a week, but most of my things are at Ocean's. Hmm. I've flagged this to tease out later

Menrva: unhappy with the thought of Ocean shifting to the other side of town. It's not really that far, but it's a matter of being slightly north vs slightly east of the CBD. It would mean an extra 20-30 mins travel to see each other. Although, they'd still be at the same workplace, and there's a spare room at Menrva's house... But, anyway, she's sad about the idea and has helped Ocean apply for a one-bedroom apartment that is currently available in the same building that she lives.

Eek! When Ocean told me, I had a flood of emotions... He should do what's best for him. He's basically moving in with Menrva? Should I move my stuff out? She wants him to live close to him, but would that be good for him? Hoping he'd be able to make a decision that works, won't add stress, make him sad. Concern for him, annoyance at Menrva, combined with being pleased she cares about him, helps him out - messy! Reminded me a lot of how I felt about Djuna when she wanted Grotto to stay in our old city, even though work was better for him here. I didn't want to be involved in the decision, I wanted Grotto to make up his own mind.

I had a vested interest (I wanted Grotto to move here) but I thought that should be put aside, as far as possible, to focus on his needs. I guess you can't help having personal motives, when your partners are deciding where to live, but... ah. I'm big on independence. For myself, I'm quite strong on doing what's fruitful for you, personally, first & foremost. How this fits in with other people certainly does factor in, and it's obviously not clear-cut (how a move will affect a relationship is an aspect of how it will affect you, etc) but I've found it to be a useful priority for me. I don't move or stay entirely for someone else. I do it for me. If it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel resentment towards anyone.

I'm not especially keen on Ocean living with Plinth (would be funny, but I'm not fussed either way), but I'd like him (for him) to be in a space he feels positive about, and comfortable in. And, for me, my only thought is that we ultimately want to live in a shared living situation rather than living by ourselves. Ocean has the same long-term goal, but short-term he's needed some personal space, and wanted to live in a place with just the two of us. Recently, the ideas we've had about places to move have been when rooms have become available in houses where friends live. So, for him to move to another one-bedroom place is a different trajectory. Maybe best for him at the moment, but... we need to talk

This Monday is Ocean & my 7-year anniversary, from when we first got together. I have a telephone appointment with him in 5 mins to chat about what we should do. (He's been at a conference Easter weekend). Yup, our lives are full, functional.

Spending the day with Grotto today. Heading out for a walk soon, then doing some writing. May be helping another friend with babysitting in the evening. I'd love to watch him change a nappy. Might make him Nappy Monitor for the night, hehe.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2013, 02:36 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

^^ Omigosh, Fuchka, you are so-o-ooooo cute! (how you wrote about Grotto reading your blog - loved the last sentences)

And yes, you're a wonderful writer.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-02-2013, 01:04 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

nycindie - your reply was quite a surprise, haha. Had no idea I'd come across as cute! Glad you like the way I write. Thanks for your encouragement <3

The last couple of days, I've made my way through my blog, reading with Grotto's eyes. Wasn't so scary, actually.

I told Ocean that Grotto had read my blog, and asked him if he was also curious to read. He said he was. Hmmmmm. I'll sleep on it. I feel like if they get to see inside my bonnet, I'd like to read some of their thoughts & reflections too. Not that I need perfect symmetry - just a flash or two, I reckon.

Today's been perfect. Ocean is my April Fool. Seven years ago today, we made out for the first time under pine trees in the folds of our home city, where an island of lush swamp forest has been preserved from urban encroachment. It's one of our touchstone places, and I look forward to being back there someday.

For now, we're big city livin. Spent our anniversary well. Sleeping in (when's the last time we did that?), amateur gymnastics to get out of bed, walking to one of our favourite local cafes for breakfast, getting lost and amazed in the newly gentrified suburbs flourishing in the lee of multi-storied public housing estates.

Back at home, we started painting the didgeridoo we'd made together at the festival we went to over New Years - a project that's been on our to-do list for a while. We've decided to try to finish it before I leave in two weeks. Needs 5-6 hours more solid work. A couple of Saturday afternoons should do it.

Being creative with Ocean can be a tricky thing. I tend to dominate, and we aren't always gripped by each other's ideas. It's usually more enjoyable to work side-by-side on our own projects than work together on the same thing. Learning how to co-create art has been a fruitful activity for us, and it was lovely to share the design and painting between us. Tiring, though.

By evening we were spent, lazing in pools of ourselves listening to music. I'd made hot chocolates out of an Easter bunny (melt and whisk with milk and chilli powder? Yup, that works.) Ocean was DJ, and I was digging his tunes - Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Roy Orbison, Fats Domino rubbing shoulders with Leonard Cohen, David Bowie, NIN, Tool ?! Heaps of tracks I hadn't heard before, c/o Grooveshark

A last-minute decision to end the day with something special (given the occasion) and we were out again for a late night movie, then dinner at midnight at a nocturnal Italian pizzeria near the theatre (though we ended up getting pasta and a burger, heh.) We walked the meal off over the thirty minutes getting home. The weather's turned chillier, and we had to cuddle for warmth. I love how our bodies feel when we're one dark shape moving through a moonlit city.

"Happy many-versary," he kissed me as he fell asleep. I'm sure there will be.

Last edited by fuchka; 04-02-2013 at 01:17 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2013, 02:10 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

Busy few days. Had a flat inspection at our place, so had to tidy for that. Ocean and I took the opportunity to do a rearrange of the place, and it's feeling more joyful. Decided to make the futon into a permanent couch, and swap rooms... I love the vitality of mixing things up a little The apartment isn't that big, but how we've got it set up now makes it feel larger, woo!

Last couple of days I also helped Grotto and his flatmate move, from a spot on the 22nd floor of one high-rise to a 21st-storey apartment in a building a few blocks away. It was quite a mission as there was a narrow window allowed for us to use the lift to move furniture into the new place. When I left this morning, it was almost all done. Just a few bits and pieces to be cleared out of the old place, and cleaning. I meant to head round again this evening, but was too buggered. Once I got home from work, I crashed out. No matter: I recently heard from Grotto that they've all finished up. Great. Apparently Bijou had gone round to give them a hand, too. Yay for the power of multiple people

Menrva's sick at the moment. Ocean spent some time with her today, and while I empathise with her being sick, I'm nervous I'll catch the cold too. It's more I really don't want to be down with anything right now, I'm enjoying being well so much, and would like to have a happening final fortnight in the city before I leave mid-month. Maybe I should dose up on something fortifying as a preventative.

I've found infections to be one of the perils of poly; the germs definitely do the rounds. Though, I've been known to be quite the Typhoid Mary in the past So, we'll see!

Seems Ocean is going to stay in the current apartment. It's on the pricier side of what we can afford, but it's a happy place for him. It'll definitely be warm in winter (and he tends to get sad(d) in the cold) so it may be worth it overall. I've written an e-mail to the agent see about a rent reduction, but we're not counting on it. Has anyone in the history of tenancies ever successfully negotiated a rent decrease?! Maybe it happens, I don't know. We thought there was no harm asking.

Grotto and his flatmate wanna take me out for dinner as a thank you for being shifting buddies. Mm, I reckon I'd like that. Can't help dreaming we'll end up having each other for dessert.

Not really, though. In my fantasy, it is wonderful. But the reality would likely be most awkward. I suppose. Mm. Only one way to find out, I guess...

Gosh I'm glad that I have friendships that have flourished despite blatant, foolhardy crushes.

At a dinner the other night with Ocean, Bert, Menrva and a bunch of other folks, I invited a friend who had been meaning to try out that particular restaurant for a while. Afterwards, Menrva had asked Ocean if this friend was someone I was seeing. Ocean had replied "no, that's one of her friends who she doesn't fuck." Ah, whoops... am I really that bad? Haha!

I've been thinking more about letting partners read my blog, and I'm leaning towards a preference for keeping this my own space. It would probably reduce any bad dissonance. For example, as I was writing above about the dinner invite from Grotto, I worried a little that he might read this and feel more obliged to follow through on it. I wouldn't want to add that pressure. Also wouldn't want to be writing things here as hints to them, even subconsciously.

On the other hand, if I am staunch against these tendencies, and ask my partners to adjust for this when reading, it could work. Anyway, there's no rush on this. I'm gonna continue with the status quo for now.

Last edited by fuchka; 04-03-2013 at 02:14 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2013, 01:46 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

A whirling dervish of a weekend. Lots of dancing - joined a week-long intensive that started Friday eve. A 1.5-2hr class each day plus about the same again in practice if I'm going to keep up. Most excellent insanity.

Friday night: Grotto and I went out to a poetry gig. The words, vibe, location all very good. Walked the 40 mins home with him. Managed to choke on the same bottleneck we always do. Something happens to unsettle me. I want time/space to think on it. He instantly wants to know what's on my mind, let's unpick this together baby right now. I feel rushed by his impatience. He feels infuriated by my retiscence. etc etc etc

At one point it definitely felt like we were fighting but it's all kissed and talked out now And, as always, I feel we've covered more ground.... and yes, we're getting better at this.

Saturday: morning making-sure-we've-made-up sex with Grotto. Dance. Art date with Ocean to continue on Painting the Didgeridoo part two. Dinner with Merva, Bert and a couple of their work friends. Flatwarming at Grotto's new place (Ocean came with me, but bowed out early; Plinth turned up much later.) It was a stay-up-til-the-sun rises affair. A lovely crew of friendly folks. A Grand Time Was Had By All.

Sunday: brunch at Grotto's place (hash browns, avocado, and pimped up baked beans - added onions, mushrooms, chilli & dark chocolate and topped with grated cheese). Home to a quick touchbase with Ocean. Dance... 3 hours of it... oh. my. god. Pain. But so happy.

Plinth lives near where my dance is, so I got in touch with him afterwards to see what he was up to. He invited me round for dinner... fuck, that boy knows what to do with a kitchen. <3 <3 <3 We got plenty of conversation in, including a couple of topics on which I'd wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Was fading towards the end (not having had much sleep) so scooted home...

Now it's nearly midnight. Have slipped into bed beside Ocean. He is still, and warm, and peaceful. I will sleep well tonight.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2013, 12:49 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391
Default Distance

I've moved cities, started paid work. Plinth, Grotto and Ocean saw me off at the airport bus. Watching them walk away as the bus left, with me a small face inside, was pretty poignant but also heart-warming. They are such good people. I'm gonna miss them.

Grotto came to my going away work drinks (for the place I was volunteering at before I moved). The manager there had previously met Ocean and knew him as my husband. On another occasion I'd said that we weren't monogamous and that I had another long-term partner, but it didn't seem to register. Anyway, I introduced Grotto as my "common law husband," which I actually quite liked doing. Made sense in the context of people who think of Ocean as my husband. Yeah. I may use that one again.

Finally scored a Skype date with Djuna today. Was cute to see her, catch up on the goss. Told her about things with Plinth... hmm... she was concerned about me hurting people by getting close to them but not having time to develop a relationship. (It felt a tad awkward discussing this with her as it has been a tension between the two of us in the past.) She reminded me that most people do fewer things because they realise the limits of their time. She said that it's really easy to move forward in a relationship but painful to pull back. That kind of thing.

Grotto had also been asking me what I'm going to do if Plinth wants more time with me than I do or can give.

I'm really relying on Plinth being self-aware enough to know his needs, and voice them. And on myself to express myself well and not over-reach.

But, this is his first experience with poly. And my first experience of being this... involved... romantically. I worry, a little. Especially reading this on AnnabelMore's blog:

I feel so bad for the new-to-poly people who try dating folks in Clay's situation, who have more than three partners. People who are used to being mono, used to being someone else's whole romantic world, and who suddenly get such a limited slice of time from someone they're feeling NRE with. It's HARD, but at least I have other relationships to focus on, at least I understand how difficult it is to manage this balancing act and can relate.
Well. I will write to him and see what his thoughts are.

Til then, I'm taking time to be By Myself. It's quiet, but quite lovely.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2013, 05:29 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

Ocean moves house in the next couple of days. I'd been feeling bad about him having to do it by himself. Well, a lot of people offered to help, but the bulk of the work is tidying and packing our stuff (and, the majority of it my stuff) so the ability for others to help in that department is limited.

Luckily, it turned out there were some affordable flights for me to return to assist Ocean with the move. So - after only being away for a couple of weeks - I'm back! Was much too soon to return, really, and it felt a little stupid. But I'm really glad I came back for a short visit, particularly cos Ocean's been depressed.

He ran out of meds and didn't make sure he sorted a new script in time, so he had to stop abruptly. Cue a raft of gross side effects - bleargh It's been a long weekend here, so he's had to wait a few days before he sees the doctor. So quite apart from me being here to help him shift, he is also happy to see me for support and cuddles. Yay!

It's been lovely to get the chance to see Grotto and Plinth too. I haven't been away long enough to reeeeeally miss them, but ah - so good.

The few days before I got here, I had a couple of semi-serious e-mails back and forth with Plinth, teasing out my thoughts and concerns around time, energy, etc. I addressed some of the stuff that Djuna brought up in our Skype chat. It was good timing to have a chat with Plinth in person about these things. All is well. He's liking the relationship. Doesn't feel like I don't have enough to give him. Is feeling good all round. Told me he loved me, which he hadn't yet done - it's one of those loaded phrases for him. It hadn't bothered me, although I had noticed him avoiding the phrase. Even though it didn't change my understanding about the way he feels towards me, it was a wonderful experience... him holding me close to his warm body on a 21st floor inner-city balcony, wind whipping and whistling around us, hearing him say "I love you" when I didn't expect it <3 <3 <3

What was possibly more wonderful... actually, let's not compare, these two wonderful things are both grand in their own aspects... WE THEN HAD THE BEST THREESOME EVER (declared thus by Grotto). Oh. My. Fucking. God. Grotto, Plinth and I in bed, chatting. Plinth starts toying with my nipple, Grotto turns in to kiss my other one, while both my hands start lazily stroking their cocks. Gentle enough as a start...

This time no one got any sleep.

Some highlights: I'm kneeling at the end of the bed and crushing their balls in my hands: left hand on Grotto, right hand on Plinth. The boys are curled close into each other, with Grotto's head cradled by Plinth's shoulder (heart-stoppingly beautiful). Their arms cross over to masturbate each other. Yummmm

I'm sucking Grotto and Plinth's licking and finger fucking my ass

I choke Plinth HARD while Grotto does I'm not sure what but Plinth's eyes are wide and gorgeous. Is he saying "yes... more..."? I can't quite make it out, shh baby, just one more minute and then you can breathe

Plinth's roughing up Grotto's nipples, with his teeth and one hand, with the other slippery palm up and down Grotto's cock. I'm gnawing on Grotto's balls and teasing his asshole. A hoarse whisper from Grotto: "if you keep doing that I'm gonna cum", and within seconds he sprays everywhere, it's like a cum sprinkler seriously. Somehow this went horizontal in all directions (!?) Whatever, HOT

Grotto and I take our sweet time sharing Plinth's cock. All Plinth can do is lie back and moan. Everytime I glance up he looks more and more like Jesus, his arms out wide and his face in the throes of passion. When he cums, it's long and messy. There's a battle for the spoils and even Plinth takes his turn by cleaning up my face at the end


The next morning, Plinth dropped me back to my (Ocean's) place. I told him: "without meaning any more than this sentiment, and with no expectations... I could definitely get used to that." Here's hoping! Haha

This evening: dinner date with Ocean. He said he's been craving sex recently (hallelujah) so... we'll see how that goes. Trying not to be SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT OKAY MAYBE I'M FAILING. I can't help it; good sex often makes me hornier in general.

Oh, another cute thing about Grotto and Plinth together. They kept calling each other "bro", "man" and "dude" Like "yeah, bro, that feels good." "fuck, man, please, don't stop" etc. I LOVE THESE GUYS, seriously. How did I get so lucky?

Last edited by fuchka; 04-28-2013 at 05:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2013, 04:56 AM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 391

Exquisite dinner date with Ocean last night. He took me out to a restaurant he's been meaning to for ages, which is also a specialist vodka bar. We ate and drank slowly, sharing everything. My first pay comes through tomorrow, so he joked that the date was on me

When we got home, we spent time by ourselves. Him reading a novel, me watching some great speeches by NZ politicians from earlier this month, as they finally passed same-sex marriage legislation. Doing our own thing, in the same room, is one of the peaceful pleasures I miss when we're long distance.

A little later, I smell something cooking in the kitchen (mustard seed? curry leaves?) It's nearly midnight. "Are you hungry again?" I ask. Nah, turns out he's cooking lunch for tomorrow. I'm impressed! (It was very good actually. Rice, dhal and jackfruit curry. Most delicious dishes)

When we eventually make it to bed, I'm nervous we'll fuck this up. But we don't

It felt a little like speaking a language you haven't for a while. You stumble through the sentences, with verbs in the wrong tense and a forgotten word or two... but it quickly gets better. "Rusty" is an apt metaphor. Ah, we gotta ride this bicycle more often.

This morning, Ocean was numb, sad. Didn't want the day to begin. Continuing stressors for him are his work, and tension with Menrva. The latter can be very hard, actually, and he's had some fairly bad patches of late. I like Menrva. She's a fascinating, kind and caring person. But she has some ways of relating to Ocean, as a partner, that seem rather awful. This is only Ocean's second serious relationship (his relationship with me was the first) and he's not always managing to manage.

Compounding those two things in some mysterious algorithm is the general chemical shit of depression plus running out of meds. He's not sure if he can get a doctor's appointment today, to renew his script. Hmm. Hmm. I made porridge with frozen cherries, and two cups of green tea. We sat next to each other and said nothing over breakfast. It's so hard to see him like this! I do my best to be supportive. Very glad I'm here.

Various packing/moving-related things to do today, by myself while Ocean's at work. Getting these things done is the best way I can be a strength to him right now, I think. We shift tomorrow. Next day, I'm back at work in the other city (I'm doing the cheeky "fly in, and go straight to work from the airport" thing. Such a pro.)

Sleeping here with Ocean tonight and at Grotto's tomorrow night (as his apartment is across the road from where I need to catch the airport bus). We're both still buzzing from the high of sex with Plinth, and very open to more. It'll be nice to have a two-some though, and would be my preference.

The more I adventure out, the surer I am of how important it is to honour and nourish the solid limbs that support my growth.

Last edited by fuchka; 04-29-2013 at 04:59 AM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:31 PM.