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  #71  
Old 03-29-2013, 08:49 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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On the other hand, all my other partners are so totally awesome

Ren came to the bar where I was last night to talk to me, and comfort me.
I texted MrBrown and let him know that some of the stuff / my anxiety that I had talked about with him a couple of weeks ago, were happening again. He's not the comforting type, and will never say words of reassurance, but he will say things that remind me that I am more than just a scared and anxious person, and that I have the freedom to choose.

and BGuy, who I wuld not even call a partner, but who continues to be awesome.. I had some worries, too complicated to explain here, about the privacy of our communications. He's on vacation now and I did not want to bother him with it, afraid to look stalkerish when contacting him at this time. But the worries were too strong and I did text him. He texted me back almost immediately, turns out there was a misunderstanding, and nothing really to worry about. I apologized, he said it was perfectly fine, and told me when he'll be back in town.

C. is coming to my city tonigt and we'll be together in public places with my co-workers most of the evening. But I'm sure we'll manage some time together to talk... and I'm really looking forward to seeing him, the actual person, which will certainly help to clear some of the mess in my head.
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  #72  
Old 04-04-2013, 02:10 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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It's been a very interesting week.

C. came to spend the weekend, and we had a good time, and as long as I was in his presence I felt ok. But it was clear there was a lot going on and we did not really have the time to calmly discuss things, because we were mostly in public places with other people. When he left I immediately became very panicky and anxious, it did not help when I found out 2 days later, that he had gone to her straight form my house and was still there. We entered this cycle where I was very sad and anxious and asked him for reassurance and he would reassure me, but for some reason it did not help at all. I felt that he did not take me or the situation very seriously. He would just say things like, 'but, nothings changed between us, why worry so much, I still love you'.

Things got pretty bad on Tuesday when I was ready to just roll up and cry, making myself crazy with images of her being the only and most important person in his life.

Then I texted him and said that we really needed to really talk.

And we did, and something shifted - I felt for the first time that he took responsibility for the fact that everything is changed now. For the first time I felt that not only is this something that I have to work on (the fact that him having another relationship is such a major trigger for my anxiety is definitely something that needs investigation and a lot of hard work), and it's also not just something nice and new happening to him, but it is also something major happening to US.

We had such a good conversation, where I truly felt that he loves me, and how much I love him, and that we want the best for each other, and how amazing it would be if this new situation could be something that would help us grow as human beings, as individuals, and as a couple.

I've been feeling pretty good ever since. We've been exchanging some lovely emails, and it almost seems like we're deeper in love than we were before this. There is definitely still an edge there for me. Sometimes I make myself go to the place where I think about them together, about what they are developing. And I know that the fact that we are in constant communication is helping. But I do not want to ignore her, I want to learn more about her, I want him to tell me what he likes about her and why he is atracted to her, and I want to see how it makes him happy that someone is interested in him and attacted to him. So moments of compersion and deep, free love are interwoven with moments of feeling scared, jealous and anxious - but the anxiety is no longer the major player, and I have faith, in me, in him and in us.

We'll see where it goes. I think there will be new situations, lots of them, that will still be a challenge for me. I can easily see her becoming his primary - she's local, and single, and wants to be with him. How does that work? I just hope that even if I will see him less, that the connection will still be strong. Right now it's incredibly strong.

But wow it's a lot of work.. I'm exhausted from this week, really! So much emotional work to do, so many fears to face, instinctive reactions to question. I've really looked into my dark side these past few days. The fact that he is still here, and wants to know me, the whole package, from strong and confident lover to the panicky crying mess, is making me so happy.

He also told me that he talks about me with her, and that the people in his life who have met her, know that I (still) am his girlfriend. I think that was another major worry for me. He's never really introduced me to friends or family, and I could just see him introducing her to everybody, but not talking about me. I think this fear of being invisible, not existing, is a major trigger for me. Even writing about it now, knowing it isn't true, the thought makes me feel like I can't breathe.
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Last edited by Cleo; 04-04-2013 at 02:14 PM.
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  #73  
Old 04-16-2013, 09:37 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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C broke up with Molly. I think.

He told me she is very much in love with him and he is not in love with her. He says it's too dangerous and he has to take responsibility. He says he probably should not have started dating a mono woman who was (and he knew this) really looking for an exclusive relationship. He says a lot of things. Most of them are really not my business, and if these past weeks have taught me anything, it's this: I have to stay out of other people's business.

We went away for the weekend together, a cabin in the woods, sunshine, wine, nice food, cuddles, talks, togetherness. It was truly lovely and I felt, at the same time, very connected to him and also more detached. It's like all the anxiety from the past weeks has finally melted away. Not because he has reassured me, not because I now 'know' we're ok, but because I have once again seen him as a real person, a person with needs and wants and quirks and weird habits and a wonderful personality and fears and hang ups and strange reaction and everything. He's not perfect, I love him, I would miss him terribly if we broke up, but I would survive.

I think BGuy is out of the picture. I texted him late one night asking when we would see each other again (he had emailed me earlier that week saying he would propose a date within a couple of days), haven't heard from him since. I think he found me too needy, or maybe he decided he did not want the 'making out but no sex' deal anymore? Anyway, I expected him to be the kind of person who would be upfront about this. Maybe I was wrong about him. I'll give it another week and then I'll email him and ask what his plans are. I do not feel bad about it.. but would feel better if he just told me he doesn't want to seen me anymore, instead of this silence.

Had a long texting session with MrBrown last night about the possibilities of exploring boundaries in our D/s dynamic. it's a scary and exciting subject for me. I did tell him something I had not told him before - I usually go to his place, and almost always his teenage son is also home. Bedrooms are far apart, but there is something about the possibility of meeting said teenager (or one of his friends, he often has friends over) in the hallway, or wondering wether the noise I make can be heard, or even the thought of sitting at breakfast the next day with a bunch of 16-year olds, which feels inhibiting. I can have really good 'regular' sex in this situation, but the kind of sex / play where new things are happening and boundaries are pushed, not so much.

So I said last night that I would like to go away for the weekend sometime - did not even mention the kid, just said that I would love to explore the dynamic somewhere that is neutral ground for both of us. It was a great conversation, I love that guy so much.

I was at dinner last night with a bunch of girlfriends / co workers. They all know about my life, but some know more details than others. At one point someone asked: "so, what's it like with with 2 men in your life?" I was silent for a brief moment and said: "well, actually, there are 3". It got quiet and awkward and nobody followed up on the question I felt a bit uncomfortable, mostly because I thought I had made others uncomfortable. But I really see no need to hide one of my loves... most of these women have met C, and know he's my boyfriend, and they will most likely never meet MrBrown, but why would I pretend he doesn't exist? He's very important to me.
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  #74  
Old 04-26-2013, 07:34 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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It's my birthday this weekend.
I'm having a big party, cooking dinner for 30 friends. I LOVE my birthday, to me it's a day to be with friends and loved ones, to think about the past year, and to think about what I want to accomplish the next.

C is coming, and spending the night.. he's met many of my friends by now, yet having him there on my birthday seems like a big deal. We're in a good place.
I also invited MrB, I don't think he will come, in fact it would not surprise me if I did not hear from him today at all. I am trying to not let it get to me too much. I always say I trust him completely, well that means I have to accept him, too.. and to accept that he doesn't do things to please me, ever.
We had a fabulous date last weekend.. lots of new D/s stuff (he tied me up, hurt me a little, dominated me in all sorts of lovely ways) but also lots of cuddles, talks about everything. He is who he is and sometimes that frustrates me, on the other hand, I am never afraid of losing him, like I am afraid of losing C. It's all so very interesting, this need for control, the desire to let go, the exploring of the boundaries.

I was in the park near my house today and feeling a little upset and anxious. I decided to pick a tree, one that I pass almost every day, and use it as my symbol for freedom. Something that whenever I look at it, will remind me that I am free, to be and do whatever I want, to make my own decisions. To reaffirm that my own life is the only thing I have control over, to accept that loss is inevitable, to embrace the present.

++++++++++++


BGuy got in touch again and we have a date next week. I wasn't even that set on seeing him again.. but, I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, and it irked me that I had to think I was wrong about him. So I'm very glad I wasn't wrong about him, and I'm looking forward to a night of great conversations and hopefully a nice make out session

++++++++++++

I was reading through the last posts of the blog and I realize I haven't talked about Ren much. Things are really good between us, and pretty uneventful. I do find that with all the other stuff that's going on, we need to make the extra effort to connect and spend time together. It's easy to let each other slip to the bottom of the priorties list because we 'see each other every day anyway'.
Things with Lou are tense as always. I'm working real hard at letting him just BE in this relationship, not judge him for his decisions. It works sometimes, not all the time ... she added another lover, who is cheating on his wife... makes it hard to have any sympathy for her at all. She just sent me a birthday wish.. I deleted it immediately.. I just don't want to have any communication with her. The biggest challenge is still to accept that Ren loves her. He is is own person and free to love whoever he wants. But its not always easy. I do long for the day where he will have GF I like and want to hang out with!
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Last edited by Cleo; 04-26-2013 at 08:24 AM.
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  #75  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:31 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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so yeah, MrBrown did just send me a very sweet birthday message.
With all my talk of not being attached and accepting things as they are.. I have to admit that this made me very very happy

this is now, I think, officially a very good day....
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  #76  
Old 04-26-2013, 06:41 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I hope you have the happiest birthday ever, and I hope you are surrounded by love and happiness all during your birthday weekend!

Ry
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  #77  
Old 04-29-2013, 09:41 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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aaaaaannnnndddd.... they're back together.
C. says they are 'researching' what a relationship would be like.
he's not in love, she is.

I have no idea where this is going. The only way to keep my sanity about it is to keep out of it.
It's hard. I love him. I'm scared of losing him. The fact that he keeps changing his mind about her and the relationship with her? scary as hell.

It's going to take some time to get used to this new dynamic. It's new for him too, he's never dated 2 women before. And I've gotten too comfortable being his only lover. Yes, poly means sharing, Cleo, it means you're not the only love in his life.

Lots of things to reassure me: he's told co-workers he's dating both me and her, her friends know that he is also with me. I've been afraid that because she is local, she would become the Girlfriend and I would sort of fade into the distance.
We had some great talks this weekend. I feel he loves me, likes me, wants me. I just have to wrap my stupid non-poly raised head around the fact that he is now starting to love someone else, too.
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  #78  
Old 04-30-2013, 04:19 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I posted this on another thread in the Poly Relations Corner, me asking for advice about breaking the cycle of needing and asking for reassurance. Want to quote it here because it marks a significant step in the right direction.

Quote:
something interesting just happened.

he texted me and said he loves me, and that he is trying to find a way to fit both me and her into his life, where he can be open to communication with both of us.

my first gut reaction was that I did not like that he mentioned me and her in one sentence in a message that also declared his love for me. Then I realized that this gut reaction made me glance over the part where he says he loves me and what I mean to him.

And then I looked further and realized how happy it makes me that he trusts me enough to be honest with me and tell me that he is struggling a bit.

And I also realized that the only way to stop the cycle of asking for reassurance, is not asking for reassurance.

I wrote back: hey, I know from experience that it's not always easy to have more than 1 important relationship in your life. I am confident you will find a balance that will work for you, for her and for me.
and oh... don't forget to enjoy the fact that you now have 2 awesome women who really like you.

I haven't sent the message yet.. just saved it. But it already has seemed to relieve some of the tension and anxiety. I think maybe because I managed to not make it all about me? and to even introduce a little lightheartedness..

This seems like a good path to continue on.
so what's happening here? Let's investigate.

The mere fact that he texts me that he loves me isn't the thing that's reassuring. He does that all the time. He sent me a lovely message yesterday and that did not prevent me from being a mess all yesterday evening and today.
So it's not his reassurance that makes me feel good.
What makes me feel better is the fact that he shares something personal with me. That he values me enough to not just say "honey don't worry I still love you" but to say "I love you, and things aren't easy for me or you or anyone right now, but I hope to find a way".

It's THAT what makes me feel seen, heard, valued, loved. The mere words 'I love you', nice as they are, don't accomplish that.

So there was that, and then there was the way I responded. Which made me feel like I took control over my own action back, instead of waiting around and sulking because he's having fun with someone else.

so the breakthrough was 2 things: me appreciating his vulnerability (must tell him that, how much that means to me) and me controlling my response, being strong, light, understanding, confident and loving instead of weak, needy and sad.

wow it does feel like extremely advanced gymnastics of the mind and heart sometimes
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  #79  
Old 04-30-2013, 08:09 PM
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Cleo, I love you quote. I just shared it with T. Jane Austen was one of the first things that brought her and I together.

Also, I know what you mean about the texting. It's not the words; it's the intimacy that goes with it. Good luck!
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Old 05-02-2013, 11:16 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm house sitting for a friend this week. When I arrived at her place yesterday it was like a weight was lifting. It was maybe the first time in a whole week that my anxiety was.. well not completely gone.. but like a fog that was clearing, still there, but not as thick.

It was so nice to be in an empty house, make the bed, put food in the fridge, cook a nice dinner at a leisurely pace.

I guess this means that I need some alone time.. when I woke up I even had the feeling that it might mean that I want to live alone.
Well let's start with a week of alone time and take it from there.. I can't even imagine the stress it would bring to tell Ren I want to live alone.

One of the things I realized, while just sitting there, doing a little reading, looking out the window, drinking some wine.. is how silly my absolutist thoughts are. Thinking that the fact that C is now also with someone else, will mean that he will completely forget about me and banish me from his life. His marriage ended because his wife, who he loved, asked him not see his GF or even his best (female) friend. He did not want to lose his wife and was devastated by the divorce, but he could not promise her that he would never want to be with someone else.

Why would he want to do something like that now?

And I'm not saying that things will not change. They will. But I had this image of some time in the future where we would maybe not be the lovers we are now, or have a relationship with the intensity and frequency we have now, but where we would still be part of each others lives.. because we love each other, and because we are also really good friends.

This calmed me down so much.. We have never fought, there has never been a harsh word, we never hurt each other or have been mad at each other. Why would I think that we would lose this friendship now that transitions are taking place?

I could lose one thing and find another.
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Last edited by Cleo; 05-02-2013 at 11:18 AM.
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