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  #1  
Old 03-28-2013, 08:41 PM
DeFelle DeFelle is offline
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Default Finding my poly self and my mono relationship

Hi there, just wanted to register here, to look for some advice, insights and experiences. As the title suggests I'm starting to feel polyamerous in a 4.5 year relationship with an apparently very monogamous girlfriend, that I do still love very much.

Things are currently pretty rough, part of the reason I registered here. I'm trying to do a lot of reading and understanding of the matter. Maybe I'll ask around for some advice later, when I've read a bit more. I'm currently not even sure about my own feelings, and experiencing some very conflicting emotions.

I hope I can find some insights and, if possible, solutions here. I pretty sure I'm not the first to be in such a situation. If there is anything you would like to share with or ask from me. Go right ahead.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:48 PM
kyrsten kyrsten is offline
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Welcome, I am new here too, but good luck in your research and solution.

I am in a five year poly relationship, we cohabitate, we have one child of our own, and I have two from a previous relationship. We are all generally very happy!

Anyway, welcome and good luck!
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:56 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I hope it goes well for you. I'm in a similar situation with a wife of 16 years. She's been open to me in online relationships/playtime with other women, but not real touching.

I'm now trying to get her used to the idea, but going slow.

Is there some reason you want a change? Needs not being met? Falling for someone?

In my case, my wife just can't provide the attention (not only sexual) that I need to be happy, and if she tries she just gets overwhelmed. It's an introvert/extrovert situation, so giving me limited freedom was a great compromise. Things changed when I found someone I wanted to be in a deeper relationship with, though I have no interest in ending the relationship with my wife.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:20 PM
DeFelle DeFelle is offline
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Well, this is my first and only relationship so far. I started this as a virgin as well. It's not that I waited for anything, I'm just slow/late bloomer/geek/introverted/shy... While my GF has had her fair share of experience (and a son that's not that much older than our relationship) We started of with a one night stand, that got repeated ... a couple of times and eventually more of a friends-with-benefits period. During this grey area I had 2 one night stands with another woman. (I was clearly just starting to discover my sexuality) At that point she was surprised, since she clearly expected more. So we decided to define our relationship, leaving me certain options for experience. In the 2 years after that, I had 2 more one night stands (like I said, I'm pretty slow) Both were with prior consent from my GF, but ended in tears upon my return.

After the last one, we decided to work on our relationship issues first, before allowing any more escapades. Since then I noticed I'm also getting more feelings for others, deeper feelings. And it's getting more difficult having to suppress these feelings, not being able to show them or to act on them. I've had conversations about this with my girlfriend, but, if anything, it has driven her more into monogamy. And I'm sitting here wondering if I'm just out for casual sex, actually into polyamory or something else.

I'm currently reading "The Ethical Slut", but, while it tends to confirm the way I feel about life, relations and more as polyamerous, it's not really helping me out on how to combine it with my mono girlfriend.
(ok so far on being brief in the beginning )
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Old 03-29-2013, 06:18 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello DeFelle,
Welcome to our forum.

When you finish the Ethical Slut, pick up a copy of "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino. It may help you navigate this confusing swirl of non-monogamous possibilities, including how to handle a polyamorous/monogamous relationship.

On this site, I would do some searches and tag searches for mono/poly and seeing what comes up. Things are probably fine if your girlfriend just wants to be monogamous while letting you be polyamorous, but if she can't stand being with you when you're poly, then you have some hard decisions to make.

You should do quite a bit of reading on this site, along with posting your thoughts and questions, and try to decide, through that process, what it is you want and/or need in life. Is polyamory the only way for you, that will lead you to true happiness? Are one-night stands good enough? Don't hurry this decision.

I would actually not talk a lot about this decisionmaking process with your girlfriend unless she asks. Something about non-monogamy is upsetting her, so give her a rest from that upset for a little while. Raise the subject again when you feel sure of what you want (as far as relationship style is concerned). In the meantime, work on your relationship issues with her, and ask her what you can do to help her feel more reassured and happy with the relationship.

If it comes downs to a dealbreaker, e.g., you absolutely must pursue a poly lifestyle, and she absolutely can't deal with that in a relationship with you, then you may have to talk about breaking up. But that hasn't come up yet, and it may not come up in a long time, if ever. Let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

Maybe she thought she could do poly in theory, but in practice, her heart is saying no. That happens to people sometimes. Sometimes they can work through those feelings, sometimes they can't. Depends how hard-wired-for-monogamy your girlfriend is.

I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:31 PM
DeFelle DeFelle is offline
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I've had a few talks with my girlfriend, and it has evolved from being ok with an occasional one-night-stand a couple of months ago, to basically not tolerating anything anymore. She is currently not interested in sharing me in any way, and cannot picture it happening any time soon, if ever.

On the other hand, I'm still not sure what I want exactly. Is it a need to "catch up" for being such a late bloomer. Am I trying to create some distance this way (I'm Dismissive–avoidant, she is Anxious–preoccupied, that's another issue we have). Am I truly polyamerous, or do I just want an open sexual relationship. Or is it one of the many other things that occasionally pops into my mind. The only thing I'm sure of, is that there is something off.

And it feels like, the more I read into the subject, the more difficult it gets having to suppress my feelings.
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  #7  
Old 03-29-2013, 11:31 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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You'll need a time period in which to decide whether these non-monogamous inclinations are just a phase you're going through, or whether they're a vital part of you, and necessary for your long-term happiness. You need to decide how long of a time period you need to make that determination.

If you feel that you have to suppress your feelings, then maybe you're already formulating the answer in your own mind. But definitely, before you decide what to do, you must decide what you really want (and need) in life.
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  #8  
Old 04-03-2013, 05:38 PM
pqlvr pqlvr is offline
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Default Good Words...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hello DeFelle,
Welcome to our forum.

When you finish the Ethical Slut, pick up a copy of "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino. It may help you navigate this confusing swirl of non-monogamous possibilities, including how to handle a polyamorous/monogamous relationship.

On this site, I would do some searches and tag searches for mono/poly and seeing what comes up. Things are probably fine if your girlfriend just wants to be monogamous while letting you be polyamorous, but if she can't stand being with you when you're poly, then you have some hard decisions to make.

You should do quite a bit of reading on this site, along with posting your thoughts and questions, and try to decide, through that process, what it is you want and/or need in life. Is polyamory the only way for you, that will lead you to true happiness? Are one-night stands good enough? Don't hurry this decision.

I would actually not talk a lot about this decisionmaking process with your girlfriend unless she asks. Something about non-monogamy is upsetting her, so give her a rest from that upset for a little while. Raise the subject again when you feel sure of what you want (as far as relationship style is concerned). In the meantime, work on your relationship issues with her, and ask her what you can do to help her feel more reassured and happy with the relationship.

If it comes downs to a dealbreaker, e.g., you absolutely must pursue a poly lifestyle, and she absolutely can't deal with that in a relationship with you, then you may have to talk about breaking up. But that hasn't come up yet, and it may not come up in a long time, if ever. Let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

Maybe she thought she could do poly in theory, but in practice, her heart is saying no. That happens to people sometimes. Sometimes they can work through those feelings, sometimes they can't. Depends how hard-wired-for-monogamy your girlfriend is.

I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Good words, Kevin T., as I am working through many of the same emotions as those in this thread.

And thanks for putting so much of your time into this site. And us.

K
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Old 04-03-2013, 08:05 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Not a prob, I'm glad if I could help.
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