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  #201  
Old 03-19-2013, 03:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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FullofLove1052 -- good to hear from you.

Good to hear that in your own "time out" time you have been processing your end of the "elephant size problem" pieces and are owning them.

It is good to hear that you and Matt talked. It is good to hear that he is demonstrating concern and care toward your well being, the kids well being.
It is good to hear he is still away on his break and demonstrating concern and care for his own well being by doing so -- he'd been putting that aside for a while.

You also seem like you are demonstrating care and concern for his well being, your well being and the kids on your end of things. This is good too.

I remain hopeful that things are moving forward then and that slowly it will come together in as positive a way as possible.
  • Rebond and reconnect with Matt.
  • Or if a split is deemed the best fit, a peaceful split then from Matt.

But either way -- peace returning to your lives and the end of all this suffering. Hang in there.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-19-2013 at 03:19 PM.
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  #202  
Old 03-20-2013, 04:56 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
My therapest has a good story about her husband. She used to say, 'why do you love me?' and he would say, 'Because I said so.'
I am SO stealing that.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Isnt that at the heart of narcissism.

What kind of partnership/marriage is that? Which I guess is the base question Matt's having right now.

DO narcissists attract to one another? Does anyone know a couple in which both are narcissists?

And what kind of compromise can be can be reached if one spouse is always putting there need, wants, pleasure in front of their legally committed partner.
Is it? I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. I have a vague concept of what narcissism is, but I don't know the detailed ins-and-outs. I tried to Google it, but just found ways to avoid dating narcissists.

Maybe I'm a narcissist. I know I have high self-esteem, and it's hard to win "Most Outstanding Graduate in Physics" without feeling a bit "better than everyone else" at that one particular thing (i.e. being a good physics student)... I always put myself first, and I do believe that's necessary for anyone to do in order to have their needs met. You can't expect anyone else to. But does that make me a narcissist?
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  #203  
Old 03-20-2013, 09:51 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I dont think you can be a narcissist if you can feel compersion or be codependent. Jmop
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  #204  
Old 03-20-2013, 11:02 AM
Matt Matt is offline
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A high level of confidence and self-esteem is normal, but I don't think that makes you one. It's possible to have some of the tendencies without having NPD. It takes a lot more to make you one.

I dated a narcissist, and once I relationship ended, she was actually diagnosed with it. I went to hell and back with that relationship. It was like dating a person with two personalities. One day I was cool, and the next day if I said anything that she didn't like, I was the devil and a shit load of other stuff. Dating a narcissist is one of the worst things you can do. Run as fast as you can. To outsiders looking in, they have the type-A personality. They appear to be all around good and decent people and charming, but behind closed doors, they are somebody different. She would describe me as being everything she wanted, but she was always looking for more. No, she wasn't polyamorous. When she cheated, guess whose fault it was? Mine. She wouldn't take responsibility and never did apologise. I had to get away from her. There comes a point where you start feeling like you've lost your mind, and you're the unbalanced one. No matter what you do.

You have to shower them with constant attention. Narcissists can't love the way a normal person does. They only love you if you love them back, and once you stop, their idea of love dies. After a break-up, some want to cause you pain, so they defame your character and slander you. Let me tell you how crazy this broad was. She threatened to mail me something that she knew I was severely allergic to. I guess she wanted me to end up in the hospital because I left her. I ended up having to get a restraining order against her.

Everything will always be your fault. They are never sorry about anything they do. They have no empathy. They can look you in your face and lie, but they will never say sorry. They will sit there and watch you cry with a straight face. They know they're hurting you, but they don't have the ability to care. They have no problem using people to get what they want. It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. People are just stepping stones. They generally exhibit tendencies of other personality disorders, and if they don't seek treatment, you have no chance. An all around nightmare.
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  #205  
Old 03-20-2013, 04:16 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Oh. Nope, that's not me. I guess I'm just run-of-the-mill selfish.
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  #206  
Old 03-28-2013, 03:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Quick Update

Things with Matt and I are going good. He finally decided to come home last Friday. We spent the weekend talking and making compromises. Some things are absolute hard limits that cannot and will not be broken or bent. He still wants no contact with her, and I respect that. We have decided to continue with the counselling. We made some decisions and agreed to stick with them, as they are in the best interest of our family as a whole (e.g. the move).

Now for the not so good. I addressed this in my blog on here, but I have started feeling guilty and very selfish about being polyamorous. According to some sources, it is "ignorant" or downright "silly" for me to feel that way, and I need to acknowledge that I bring worth and value and what not to the relationship and anyone with me should realise they are fortunate enough to be with me. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. It screams arrogant and like I am the greatest thing invented since sliced bread. I will not be taking that approach or road.

Basically, I do feel that being polyamorous is selfish of me. This is something I have believed in since I was a teenager. I will be 33 later on this year. This is of no influence from my husband but from my own period of introspection. I feel sort of like the mono person in a marriage where the person comes to them and wants to open up the relationship. I found myself wondering...why is one person not enough? Why do I feel compelled to be with two people? A lot of why's that are similar in nature to the questions the mono person poses upon the poly person. Only they are coming from a poly person's POV and have yet to be answered.

I am supposed to be inspired by the desire to give love and believe in my heart of hearts that this will be wonderful for everyone involved. When in reality, it was only wonderful for two out of three. It was suggested that I have low self-esteem because I am feeling selfish. Pure and total rubbish. I am one of the one most confident people in the world. I never have moments of self-doubt, so this is a departure from the norm. I do feel like I am taking something away from the two people with me. With Matt, I feel like I silently gave him the choice to accept me and the way I love or to just walk. In doing that, he had to compromise his core beliefs of monogamy, and for some unexplained reason, I feel terribly guilty about that now. I think that stems from the realisation that I nearly lost my marriage because of my other relationship and my behaviour(s). With Si, I feel like I am only giving her x amount of my time and x amount of time with the children. Like a weekly or daily allotment of sorts. I have no idea why all of this is coming up and out now. This is an unusual feeling.

Matt has been really supportive and helpful. Especially since things with Si are not as great as I would prefer. She has an issue with us proceeding with the plans to move, and in turn, she is shutting me out. Matt has tried to offer solutions and different approaches for my relationship with her. Until I can work through this guilt and figure out why it is here now, I may need to step back from my relationship with Si. I am trying not to do that. We have our own issues that have to be worked out and putting them on the back burner would be a mistake. I am working on myself, my marriage, and now my relationship. We are hanging in there and doing the best that we can.
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  #207  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Glad you are sorting things out, Full.
Quote:
Basically, I do feel that being polyamorous is selfish of me.
Being poly wired is being polywired. A state of being is not a behavior.
Quote:
I have started feeling guilty and very selfish about being polyamorous.
Quote:
I am supposed to be inspired by the desire to give love and believe in my heart of hearts that this will be wonderful for everyone involved. When in reality, it was only wonderful for two out of three.
Ah, there's the rub. I think you could mean

"I feel guilty for my selfish behavior in my polyshipping with Matt and Si."

Feeling guilty for HOW you conducted your behavior in polyshipping? Natural to feel under the circumstances. You are coming to terms with it all. It is good you are doing this work and inner reflection.

The "success" of a harmonious polyship hinges on ALL the people's wants, needs, and limits being met to reasonable degree.

You merely being polyamarous and having the capacity to love more than one?

That does not meet all the people's wants, needs, and limits. It is not your capacity but your behavior that meets / does not meet the needs of others.

If the reality is that it was wonderful for only 2 out of 3? That speaks to the behavior of all the polyship people.

The poly people in your kind of configuration with kids in the mix need to be checking in with each other
AND all players being up front about their wants, needs, and limits,
AND all players listening to each others wants, needs, and limits,
AND all players making the behavior changes required to meet all those things so all can feel good and content in this configuration.

Limits are not just personal limitations within the person -- but nonhuman resources -- time, money, space, etc.

ALL those things must be in place for it to feel wonderful for ALL players. If all those ANDS are not in place? It's just not gonna happen.

It's a hard lesson to learn -- that polymath thing.

All the mini relationships within the larger polyship have to be healthy for the polyship "at large" to fly straight and true.

If not? It flies crooked and could be destined for a crash. So it came to be.

You guys are sorting things out post crash. You will feel a lot of things. Do what it takes to restore order. Learn what you could learn from it. However things turn out for you all polyship wise, I hope each of you (you, Matt, Si) can arrive at a healthy place.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 04:25 PM.
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  #208  
Old 03-28-2013, 06:10 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Things with Matt and I are going good. He finally decided to come home last Friday. ...



Now for the not so good. I addressed this in my blog on here, but I have started feeling guilty and very selfish about being polyamorous. According to some sources, it is "ignorant" or downright "silly" for me to feel that way, and I need to acknowledge that I bring worth and value and what not to the relationship and anyone with me should realise they are fortunate enough to be with me. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. It screams arrogant and like I am the greatest thing invented since sliced bread. I will not be taking that approach or road.
Kudos to you. My BF has similar feelings. I'm glad things are looking up.
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  #209  
Old 03-28-2013, 07:27 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There is a lot to be said for understanding that being poly isn't the same as doing poly.
BEING poly is a natural part of some people.

I love more than one.
But I always have and I didn't always DO poly-because the person I was with at a given time wasn't able to handle multiple relationships.

In the reading I have done it seems that many details of needs were overlooked in your dynamic.
THAT is always going to result in a mess.

In order for DOING poly to work-everyone has to able to get their needs met AND be healthy in the dynamic. If that isn't happening-doing poly becomes a mess.


Hugs-sounds like you need them.

As I suggested before-place the kids well being at the center of questions that get confusing.

So for example the move not a NEED for either you or him. not moving is not a NEED for any of the three of you either. But-is it in the kids best interest to stay or to go?

Instead of just fighting over whose WANTS get addressed-you move the topic to a clearer ground.

That can be true for a LOT of things!

When neither option is a NEED but the personal preferences differ for the adults-look at which option is BEST for the kids.
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  #210  
Old 03-29-2013, 02:23 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I thought I would reply here. I get the difference between being poly and doing poly. I've seen a lot of relationships sort of implode, the person being more 'situational poly' in that there was an existing relationship and then someone else they fell in love with. I have seen that go badly, they lose one of the partners and then remain monogamous with the other. I think I've come to terms with just being poly. Do I have to have X number of relationships? No, but I like being able to just be me and if I like someone behave as I feel appropriate without worrying that it's something a married woman shouldn't be doing.

Now, personally I don't believe in 'hardwired poly'. You can be hard wired non mono, but poly sort of entails a relationship type. TO ME. Let me not start an argument here. To me, poly is deciding to be open and honest and setting the communication levels where you can discuss boundaries and steps taken in relationships, in other words, it's the work of the relationship model. Not the predilection to feeling romantic feelings for more than one person.

As far as the guilt you feel, part of it might be that things weren't done as well as they could have been. That, it sounds like, all three of you had some communication errors that caused more heartache than they should have. Some of it, to me at least, sounds like what I jokingly refer to as "Hinge Guilt".

It comes from knowing that while you don't love one person more than another, and no one person gets love taken from them so you can love the other, that you are still human and therefore only have so much time and energy. That feeling that BECAUSE you love them both, you feel maybe they deserve more than just part of your time. That you would LOVE to be giving all of the energy and time you have for romantic and intimate relationships (emotional and physical) to them both, but until cloning comes about not really possible. I get it and I even wonder if they could do better, that especially when your two people have only you, you feel badly that they deserve to have an 'only me' for them as well, but it can't be you. I don't know if that makes total sense to anyone else but a lot of times I just wish I could split in two and then it would feel more 'fair'.

I understand of course, in my head, that the idea of 'fair' is a fluid one and often a misguided one. Yet once in awhile, I still get that guilt creeping up. Now, granted, neither of my partners has to be with just me and I would be happy to share them! There are always women complaining about the shortage of good guys so why not share mine and be able to say, 'See? He is awesome isn't he?'. However, both have been open but not really in a place where they want another relationship. SO I learn to respect that and try NOT to feel that guilt that they deserve me 'full time'.


(DISCLAIMER: I get it, people are going to want to argue that they DO have me full time, or that they wouldn't have me full time even if I was in just a mono relationship since we all have other commitments, kids, job, school. I didn't say this was all logical! I said it's how I sometimes FEEL. My feelings tend to sometimes follow a more 'Joker Logic' than a Spock logic.)
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