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  #11  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:09 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Ah, ok. Thanks for the clarify.

Could keep living independently then. And talk about the engagement/marriage plans and how polyshipping will affect all that. Maybe you want a LONG engagement. Because one major life change at a time is easier than a bunch piled up on each other.

GL!
Galagirl
fortunately, we had already intended on a long engagement. but what do you suggest about displaying affection? like holding hands or cuddling up on the couch a small kiss... yes or no?
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  #12  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hon, ask your PEOPLE.

Quote:
"I would like to be able to enjoy affectionate gestures with both of you at a pace we all can be comfortable with. Where is that comfort line for each of you at this time? "
See what they say. Maybe you all want to review these sheets to get the conversation going in an organized way.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

In particular, this one

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uplo...ecklist-OU.pdf

since you want to talk about affectionate gesture boundaries. Maybe you all want to do that sheet for initial agreements for the first 3 months and then do it again at to see if comfort levels have moved/needs changed and go for the next 3 mos?

I see that you are excited, I see that you are nervous. But could RELAX. Sort yourselves out and just enjoy what it is and the unfolding of whatever it may become.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 04:35 AM.
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  #13  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:17 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
All could accept "the new normal" is going to feel weird until enough time has passed and becomes the "old normal" and agree to take it one thing at a time.

Could also ask him what his thoughts and comfort level are with affectionate displays and if he's prepared to grieve "the loss of exclusive." You will go through that too -- maybe to a different degree. Even when all choose to Open? Open is NOT CLOSED. Maybe this thread could help.

Maybe he's totally fine with it. And you are pre-worrying for nothing. Or if it is awkward for him, ask him how he wants your support while he works through that?

Because it is reasonable to expect affection toward your sweetie. Even when the sweetie is not him.

Again -- could go slow. You could assume responsibility for your conduct, and assume your responsibility for providing your partners with APPROPRIATE support/nurture in polyshipping.

Could guard against wanting to control their behavior or control how they feel or wanting to do their responsibilities for them. Let them have their own space for that. Everyone holds their own emotional baggage. Everyone holds up their end of the responsibility sticks.

It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than it is. Just play ball responsibly and enjoy the unfolding of your new polyship.

Galagirl
thank you so much, you're awesome. (:
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  #14  
Old 03-29-2013, 01:47 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi LPaigex,
Welcome to our forum.

GalaGirl has already gave excellent advice, so I won't belabor that too much. The main points are to communicate a lot with your two guys, to find out what everyone is comfortable with, what everyone's wants and needs are, etc.

After all, people tend to be very unique and individual, and what works for one person is different than what works for another person. So communicate a lot, and find out what works for JS and JM.

You will probably also learn by experience. Something that all three of you see as a minor issue today, could turn out to be a major issue a week or a month or a year from now. So keep the communication going, and renegotiate the boundaries/rules as needed.

Keep reading on this site, and post your thoughts and questions as they come up. Other than that, just enjoy what you have here and now and be happy! Don't be pulled down too much with worries. You're very lucky, in that JS and JM have both agreed to give this poly thing a try. That says a lot for both of them. Not all men would be so brave.

I'm glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 03-29-2013, 06:43 PM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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we had the big talk yesterday and it went really well. (: thank you all for calming my fears!
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  #16  
Old 03-29-2013, 06:46 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Yay!

Congratulations!
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  #17  
Old 03-29-2013, 08:37 PM
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That's great news, LPaigex.
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  #18  
Old 03-29-2013, 10:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Great to hear!

So much easier just talking to the people to get the straight up news than be stirring up the "what if?" whirlwinds and adding to the worries/stresses/problems.

Hopefully in future you can draw on this experience to give you more confidence to put those inner fears down.

WTG! You did great!
Galagirl
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