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Old 03-27-2013, 10:03 PM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Default Confused: Poly and threesomes are not the same correct?

Hello All,
Newb here who's confused and hoping some more experienced poly's can offer some advice.

Background:I am a straight female who is monogamous. My fiance J, came out as being poly/bi going on 2 years ago. Mind you we've been together for over 6 years and engaged for most of it so this came as a shock. J was my first everything (relationship/sex). Poly was never something I considered for myself so I did not want to throw away the relationship just cause. I do love him and want him to be happy so I am trying to be open but at the same time not sure what I can handle. We tried a relationship in the past and it failed. J hooked up with A from work and while I had a little discomfort it did not bother me too much (mostly just uncomfortable with PDA, hugs and kisses are ok but full on make out session not comfortable with). J really wanted me to have a relationship/threesome with A. Now while J has no problem jumping into the physical side of relationships quickly, I tend to need more than attraction. I need to get to know a person enough to trust and be friends with them before anything physical in nature comes into play. So A and I took the time to hang out and were on our way to being friends. Our problems came with J pushing both of us into doing things of a sexual nature before either of us was ready. The result, A got angry/unhappy with J and pulled away from him but became closer with me (mainly because I just wanted to be friends and was not interested in doing things of a sexual nature yet). So naturally J got hurt and next thing I know, he's saying A was out to get me and break us up and J's friends are warning him etc. End result, A is no longer in the scene and I'm less one possible new friend and totally confused/lost as to what REALLY happened versus what J told me. J went back to pushing for me to have threesomes/moresomes to the point I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.

PROBLEM: Recently J brought up wishing to try again with having an open relationship with another. He really wants me to be with another man with him. I told him the problem wasn't being with another person but that he pushes for too much too soon. My main problem is J is REALLY pushing me to have threesomes and moresomes. I am super not comfortable with this. While I'm not totally opposed to open relationship I am strongly against seeing/participation in sex acts with others especially seeing others with J. I am not saying a threesome could never happen but I am saying it has to happen at my pace with someone of MY choosing. I'm worried that while I love J, is a future possible with J? I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness. Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?

Confused and stressed, thy name is Beth.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?
Sounds to me like you are opposed to J pushing things on you or rushing you into things that you do not want for yourself at this time. You state it several times that this is the problem. His pushy pushy.

You want to determine your behaviors YOURSELF. YOU choose. Who, what, when, where, how and why. Not him.

J was pushing A also -- J doesn't seem to understand that while J might be ready to jump in, other people are not. It's not all about his jollies here. Why does J treat other people like toy things and not people with a will of their own? So weird. Kinda creepy too.

I'd tread with caution there. Maybe you are open to threesomes and polyshipping -- but not with J.

So best to just say NO. No threesomes. No polyshipping. Stop pushing me. Not gonna happen. You already said that. Look:
Quote:
I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.
Does he respect your limit? Nope. Look at the behavior he chooses:

Quote:
PROBLEM: Recently J brought up wishing to try again with having an open relationship with another.
Your move now.

You gave a limit. He chose to push again and not respect your limit. You gonna uphold the consequence and break up?

YOU could honor your own limit of tolerance for all this stress and pushy pushy and break up.

Save yourself future drama with this person.

Breaking up stinks, but if preserving your long term sanity and best healths means going through some short term break up suckage -- maybe that's the choice that stinks least in this whole scenario? To be free of the stress and drama crazy?

How are you feeling about it?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 07:38 AM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Nobody should be pushing you to do anything sexual with anyone else if you are not ready and especially since you have made it clear you don't want to. It's your body, you choose who to be sexual with - no one else has that right, whether you are engaged or married or not.

And NO, polyamory is not simply threesomes and group sex. Poly is about having multiple love relationships, and many poly people never have group sex. J suddenly seems to have become very focused on sex acts -- which makes me wonder what happened to head him in that direction if that wasn't an interest before -- but group sex is just group sex, it's not poly and not automatically what poly people do! A poly relationship just means that a person has more than one partner, but what's important about the word "polyamory" is the "amor" part -- it's all about the love and being loving, not having as much group sex as possible!

I think J is being completely unreasonable and well, very creepy, and so it looks to me like walking away from the relationship is a healthy thing to do for yourself right now, though of course it will hurt after investing so much into it for years. Good for you for looking out for you, stating your position clearly and taking a stance.

Is A a man or woman? Just want to get clear on who's who.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2013 at 07:54 AM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:25 AM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Is A a man or woman? Just want to get clear on who's who.
A was a male coworker of J's.

I may be a sucker for punishment but I cannot give up on J just yet. I know he loves me but I just think he's confused and so hooked on his fantasy that he's not being objective and hearing me.

I keep telling him we should go to of the local poly support group meetings so he can talk to others and possibly make some friends as our friend base has shrunk due to people moving away etc. He keeps saying he wants to have/make more friends to socialize with. But he's opposed to the idea of going to the poly gatherings for some reason. I figured this would be a great way for him to meet other poly's and have a support base and make some new friends. I'm for anything that gets us out of the house and meeting new people and friends who might share like interests. I may be a shy introvert but I do like meeting people who share common interests and making new friends.

Either way it's nice to know it's not me being unreasonable but J being too pushy. With him being so pushy and me having no one to really talk to about this, it causes me to get confused and question myself emotionally when intellectually I know I am correct if that makes sense. Thank you both for listening and the advice.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:27 AM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Another way of looking at it could be to ask yourself the question:

'What would I need in order to feel comfortable about going ahead with this situation?'

As in, you rightly say J is being too pushy, which implies you're not comfortable enough yet. That also implies you may be comfortable enough at some point in the future.

So what would need to happen between now and then in order to bridge the gap? What is not happening now that is causing you to want to push back?
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:45 AM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
Another way of looking at it could be to ask yourself the question:

'What would I need in order to feel comfortable about going ahead with this situation?'

So what would need to happen between now and then in order to bridge the gap? What is not happening now that is causing you to want to push back?
For one, when I even slightly indicate that I might be interested in something like that in the future he pushes for RIGHT NOW as in calling up a male friend/acquaintance and setting something up that night or that week. I first need to know and trust ANYONE I plan to let in my life that much, not accounting if there any kind of attraction at all.

Then there is the whole if I indicate the possibility of a future threesome he immediately starts running away with the idea of orgies and wanting a female in the mix when I have explicitly indicated I would do NOTHING with a female as I am not attracted to females and that it would put me in a negative mental place due to having been molested by a female when I was a child.

With those two in mind this is why I tend to want to run away when he start in on adding another to mix. I have told him to slow down and that I cannot move that fast but he seems to have this idea in his head that once things get going everything will work out and that it's nothing more than 'first time jitters'. It's like he's in his own fantasy land and not paying attention to reality and hearing what I am saying. Super frustrating.
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Old 03-28-2013, 02:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He keeps saying he wants to have/make more friends to socialize with. But he's opposed to the idea of going to the poly gatherings for some reason.
Why would he go to poly gatherings to learn how to have relationships with multiple players when what he wants is "no strings sex" with multiple people?

He sounds like he wants to swing, and play in threesomes and moresomes. And that's fine if that's what he wants for himself and gets consent from all players. But it doesn't sound like he does get full consent for participation -- so even in a swing context he's out of line then.

That he PUSHES you like this against your will, against your limits, does not respect or even hear your limits...hon, that is super creepy.

I hope you don't get yourself into a situation where you give an inch and he takes a mile.

This part really creeps me out:

Quote:
I have told him to slow down and that I cannot move that fast but he seems to have this idea in his head that once things get going everything will work out and that it's nothing more than 'first time jitters'.
He's not going to plan something and just spring it on you and not listen to your "NO" right? Carry on with it because "it is just first time jitters" and once things get going it will work out?

Sounds rape creepy. Ew.
Quote:
I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.
Again, you gave your limit and a consequence.

When you choose NOT to enforce the consequences, what do you teach him? That your "No's" mean jack because he can keep on pushing and eventually you fold from exhaustion.

Tread VERY carefully with this dude. I am concerned for your well being.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf in case you need it. I am hoping you don't but this is just too weird and creepy for me. So I offer it in the spirit of you taking a checklist assessment of his behaviors in case anything else is "off" there. You live there -- you know your own reality best. Just check it with a marker. Then add it up. One behavior alone is nothing -- people can have a bad day and apologize later for that.

But if you have a whole collection...beware!

You are NOT crazy to find the pushypushy not acceptable. This whole thing sounds yucky.

Love is not enough in a relationship. There must also be respect and consideration.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 03:00 PM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:22 PM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why would he go to poly gatherings to learn how to have relationships with multiple players when what he wants is "no strings sex" with multiple people?

He sounds like he wants to swing, and play in threesomes and moresomes. And that's fine if that's what he wants for himself and gets consent from all players. Galagirl
This is my concern in that he is confusing swinging with poly. He says he wants relationships but honestly it sounds more like he wants swinging and play.

I flat out told him I needed to talk to whomever he tried to bring into the mix before anything happens first just so I know where their head is at. I started this after his first attempt at having a relationship with a mutual female friend. I trusted her not to do anything to threaten my relationship with him so gave him the green light when he indicated he wanted to start a relationship with her. At that time I was leaving it all up to him to talk things out with whomever he was interested in as this was mainly his desire. I soon realized something was off and immediately pulled her aside and asked her if she realized what he was up to. Once I told her that he was trying to start an actual relationship with her, she was immediately shocked and put a stop to things saying that he made no such mention to her of wanting that and that it was NOT what she wanted from him. He was thinking they were in a relationship and she was just lonely and wanting a friends with benefits thing. He was all hurt saying he thought she was agreeable and that he talked to her. I honestly think he's in his own world and just hears what he wants to hear and not what is actually being said.. after that I made it a point to talk to anyone he's trying to start a relationship with just to see if he did actually talk to them and where their thoughts are on the matter. It's saved a LOT of drama and headaches.

As for him forcing, no. Manipulating a situation, maybe and that's a concern because no one likes to be manipulated especially me.


Beth
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, I hear your concerns. All I can say is that they are NOT unfounded. You are not crazy. Be careful!

GG
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:36 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Nobody should be pushing you to do anything sexual with anyone else if you are not ready and especially since you have made it clear you don't want to. It's your body, you choose who to be sexual with - no one else has that right, whether you are engaged or married or not.
This.
And no-poly does not = threesome.

Sometimes threesomes happen, sometimes they don't.
This is true with people who are poly and people who are not.
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