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  #1  
Old 02-21-2013, 05:31 PM
avoCantigas avoCantigas is offline
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Exclamation i need advice

Hello dear comrades. first sorry my english .

I need some help organizing my ideas regarding love ,etc.

so im a guy, and i love a girl, we love each other. we feel very emotionally attached to each other, I protect her a lot, both me and her help each other on our troublesome lifes.
Both me and her, are the Introvert type of people,we socialize with some ppl, yeah, but , honestly im a bit more social than her.
And im with her for 3 years, and sometimes im starting to feel limited and Bound socially.
I am a very open minded dude, what really matters for me is Love, the feeling, not the Carnal attraction of sex... Yes, i fuck with her, and i love it, but its not her pussy that i like... its her person, her soul... Everybody likes sex, right? But sex is a carnal thing... love is not.
And lately i have been asking to myself... what is the difference between a Female best friend and a girlfriend?
If my GF was a male , and taking into account that im not Gay, me and "him" would be just like me and she are, except the Sex part....
Honestly i would not care if she would fuck other dudes, as long as she dont hide it from me, and as long as she would not become a bitch and fuck the first dude she sees, as long as she trusts the dude, she doesnt hide it from me, i dont really care...
but she does care ...
the sole concept of me speaking to her cousin, is enough for her to become jealous and afraid of losing me... Yes, i would love to experiment stuff with her cousin, i will not deny that... and me and her cousin are also very good friends. But I am a honest person and i dont want to do anything that will hurt anybody....
I need advice, on 2 things...
first: How can i convince her that for me, it doesnt matter who fucks who, but who loves who, who trusts who and , who Respects who? Her jealousy is very infantile, but i understand her at some point, because im her first BF, and she doesnt have too much friends... BUT man, im not a monster, i wont leave her for any girl only because i speak with a girl... since i was young i always had a ease to talk with girls, and thanks to her i lost some good old friends... :\ I have a very open mind and i have my principles and ideals pretty defined, and i have good intentions with the ppl i love, but this situiation is killing me from the inside.

second: both me and her are not the kind of ppl who go to friday night shit , we actually abominize that kind of life. For me , Sex requires Trust, and intimacy... For her, sex requires a romantic relationship of Boyfriend\girlfriend. And its hard for me to be called a boyfriend, because even tought im always there for her and have the funtions of a boyfriend, im also her best friend and i have been always loyal to her. I really see no difference between a Boyfriend and a best friend, since its only a LAbel in my opinion , Boyfriend is a pretext word for a man to fuck a girl, and then dump her 2 months later... im not that. if she decides to not have sex with me anymore i will not leave her, i can totally agree with not fucking her...
and there is another thing its making me start to become insecure.. if i label myself "best friend" Im afraid of her getting a dude that fits her definition of Boyfriend, and that boyfriend brainwashes her against me... I Love her, and she loves me, i wouldnt mind living my whole life wihich her, but without all that nonsense jealousy and shit... what can i do??

Sorry for the LONG text, if you bother to read it to the end, i would really apreciate!

Last edited by avoCantigas; 02-21-2013 at 05:34 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-22-2013, 10:50 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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And im with her for 3 years, and sometimes im starting to feel limited and Bound socially.
It seems like you assumption that the cure to feel lonely from a lack of being social is to find new partners?

I am a very open minded dude, what really matters for me is Love, the feeling, not the Carnal attraction of sex... Yes, i fuck with her, and i love it, but its not her pussy that i like... its her person, her soul... Everybody likes sex, right? But sex is a carnal thing... love is not.
I feel you are either contradicting yourself, confused about what you want, or being unclear due to language differences. If I read it right you say love not sex is what you think is important, and later on says you're interested in sex, not necessarily love, with her cousin, if I read it right



the sole concept of me speaking to her cousin, is enough for her to become jealous and afraid of losing me... Yes, i would love to experiment stuff with her cousin, i will not deny that... and me and her cousin are also very good friends. But I am a honest person and i dont want to do anything that will hurt anybody....
She is already jealous about the situation, are you interested in an open relationship where a relationship with her cousin it off the table? Have you told her you ARE interested in her cousin? If so she seems resistant to the idea, which she has the right to be.


I need advice, on 2 things...
first: How can i convince her that for me, it doesnt matter who fucks who, but who loves who, who trusts who and , who Respects who?
You cant convince her of anything, you can tell her that's how you feel.

Her jealousy is very infantile, but i understand her at some point, because im her first BF, and she doesnt have too much friends...
That's judgmental, she has the right to have her own viewpoint, it's not less than yours if she wants to be monogamous and thinks its the right choice for her.

I have a very open mind and i have my principles and ideals pretty defined, and i have good intentions with the ppl i love, but this situiation is killing me from the inside.
Killing you from the inside? That you want to have sex/love/what her cousin? That you want to be nonmongamous? That you are lonely? You aren't particularly clear about this. Obviously if you feel that strongly about whatever it is, you need to address it.


its hard for me to be called a boyfriend, because even though im always there for her and have the funtions of a boyfriend, im also her best friend and i have been always loyal to her. I really see no difference between a Boyfriend and a best friend, since its only a LABEL in my opinion , Boyfriend is a pretext word for a man to fuck a girl, and then dump her 2 months later... im not that. if she decides to not have sex with me anymore i will not leave her, i can totally agree with not fucking her...
Well no, that's not what a a boyfriend label means..you've been with her 3 years, obviously that's not what it means to her.

and there is another thing its making me start to become insecure.. if i label myself "best friend" Im afraid of her getting a dude that fits her definition of Boyfriend, and that boyfriend brainwashes her against me... I Love her, and she loves me, i wouldnt mind living my whole life wihich her, but without all that nonsense jealousy and shit... what can i do??
Is she interested in dating other people? If so she can introduce her as her boyfriend & best friend if that would somehow make you feel better and explain the relationship you feel you have together.
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  #3  
Old 02-22-2013, 11:44 PM
avoCantigas avoCantigas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
And im with her for 3 years, and sometimes im starting to feel limited and Bound socially.
It seems like you assumption that the cure to feel lonely from a lack of being social is to find new partners?

????????????????????????? Im not talking about fucking... im talking about having friends, being able to send text messages to my colegues, being able to go out with friends without her behaving like a police... im not talking about fucking other ppl.

I am a very open minded dude, what really matters for me is Love, the feeling, not the Carnal attraction of sex... Yes, i fuck with her, and i love it, but its not her pussy that i like... its her person, her soul... Everybody likes sex, right? But sex is a carnal thing... love is not.
I feel you are either contradicting yourself, confused about what you want, or being unclear due to language differences. If I read it right you say love not sex is what you think is important, and later on says you're interested in sex, not necessarily love, with her cousin, if I read it right

where im contradicting myself? If she wants to not fuck other ppl, or fuck i dont care, i dont feel jealous to her, im trust her a lot.... But she doesnt trust me


the sole concept of me speaking to her cousin, is enough for her to become jealous and afraid of losing me... Yes, i would love to experiment stuff with her cousin, i will not deny that... and me and her cousin are also very good friends. But I am a honest person and i dont want to do anything that will hurt anybody....
She is already jealous about the situation, are you interested in an open relationship where a relationship with her cousin it off the table? Have you told her you ARE interested in her cousin? If so she seems resistant to the idea, which she has the right to be.

Me and her cousin and her, were always very close, like family yes... Both of them trust me with everything. I don't want any label to put on my relationship like Open, or poly or whatever, i dont like labels, all i want is an Advice on how to resolve this...


I need advice, on 2 things...
first: How can i convince her that for me, it doesnt matter who fucks who, but who loves who, who trusts who and , who Respects who?
You cant convince her of anything, you can tell her that's how you feel.

I tell her how i feel and she gets jealos

Her jealousy is very infantile, but i understand her at some point, because im her first BF, and she doesnt have too much friends...
That's judgmental, she has the right to have her own viewpoint, it's not less than yours if she wants to be monogamous and thinks its the right choice for her.

I dont care being monogamous with her , and only her... I want to be able to have a social life without being constantly triggering her Jealousy where it there no need to. im not fucking anybody on her back.

I have a very open mind and i have my principles and ideals pretty defined, and i have good intentions with the ppl i love, but this situiation is killing me from the inside.
Killing you from the inside? That you want to have sex/love/what her cousin? That you want to be nonmongamous? That you are lonely? You aren't particularly clear about this. Obviously if you feel that strongly about whatever it is, you need to address it.

... ?

its hard for me to be called a boyfriend, because even though im always there for her and have the funtions of a boyfriend, im also her best friend and i have been always loyal to her. I really see no difference between a Boyfriend and a best friend, since its only a LABEL in my opinion , Boyfriend is a pretext word for a man to fuck a girl, and then dump her 2 months later... im not that. if she decides to not have sex with me anymore i will not leave her, i can totally agree with not fucking her...
Well no, that's not what a a boyfriend label means..you've been with her 3 years, obviously that's not what it means to her.

and there is another thing its making me start to become insecure.. if i label myself "best friend" Im afraid of her getting a dude that fits her definition of Boyfriend, and that boyfriend brainwashes her against me... I Love her, and she loves me, i wouldnt mind living my whole life wihich her, but without all that nonsense jealousy and shit... what can i do??
Is she interested in dating other people? If so she can introduce her as her boyfriend & best friend if that would somehow make you feel better and explain the relationship you feel you have together.

thats is not what i asked
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  #4  
Old 02-23-2013, 06:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What is your NEED? What do you need (in general) to thrive in a romance?
  • To be able to talk about your feelings to your partner and be understood?
  • To be in an open relationship? To be a close relationship with several partners? What model are you after?
  • To be free to experience love with other people?
  • To be free to experience sex with other people?
  • To be free to experience BOTH love and sex with other people?

What is your specific WANTS from HER so you can thrive in relationship WITH HER?
  • To be in an open relationship with her and the cousin?
  • To be able to continue to be friends with her no matter what happens in your romance with her?
  • To be free of her jealous behavior?
  • To have a limit -- that if you open the relationship to have other partners for each of you, you will be assured you will not be cast aside without consideration or concern at all? That there would at least be a talk about things?

Is that where you are at? Anything else?

If so? You could talk to her about all these things and how you feel. Could see what HER wants, needs, and limits could be. Could see if you can continue to be in romantic relationship together and thrive together. Or could determine if it is better to part ways and be friends so you could meet most of your wants, needs, and limit and reach a happy place.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #5  
Old 03-25-2013, 04:04 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Your situation is hard to understand

It sounds like you are against using any labels to describe any of your relationships, and that's fine as it is really hard to pigeon hole anybody's relationship, but without any sort of label the only way that is honest is fully disclosing all behaviors and interactions with other people you care about whether or not they know the truth. Or more specifically, fully disclosing the the things that avoiding the labels may be used to conceal certain aspects of the relationship.

Avoiding labels isn't bad, but it can be very easily used to be misleading. For example, if you are not referring to your "best friend" as a girl friend in an attempt to conceal the sexual aspect of your relationship, that is lying when you are misleading the people or family you are supposedly close with. That is something you might want to practice with outsiders in order to protect yourself and your loved ones or anybody else from the harm that is done by people who hate and remain in denial of their hatred, but your close fir

It would help if you clarified whether or not your "best friend" is aware of your non-monogamous views and possible desire to practice some non-monogamous behaviors. That one little fact (whether she is aware of any sexual aspects in other relationships) really does make a night and day difference in your situation, so until you are clear about whether or not you are clear with your friend, it may prove hard to offer any suggestions that might help your situation.

If she knows about any sex that may or may not be involved, it honestly sounds like the two of you are experiencing very typical struggles that all lovers go through when your life is lived in an open, more sexually free kind of way.

You can't do anything to improve any troubles you are experiencing with friendship until the two of you are in fact speaking specifically about the same things

yes, in many peoples minds the only difference between a best friend and a girlfriend is whether or not sex is involved, otherwise sex with people other than your best friend would likely be given the label of Friends With Benefits. Labels tend to give people the wrong impression which is why you might want to discuss the finer details with friends you are close with or genuinely care about, especially when the labels are likely to mislead

if she knows you have a healthy attitude towards responsible sexual habits, labels may not really matter but you will never know if you refuse to talk about it specifically. Because society as a whole seems to have a problem with understanding the difference between right and wrong (the difference between having an opinion based on personal feelings and bigotry) in general and in order to conceal the sexual aspect of any relationship you have other than your girlfriend, you use the term "friend"

it is a practice that is to this day necessary if you wish to avoid harmful treatment by resentful/prejudiced/bigoted people who justify such wrongful, harmful behavior because of fundamentally flawed way their mind is framed. Like any failing of a society, such wrongs are only corrected by people being brave enough to put up the affliction and the courage to persist and live openly and honestly so that hopefully, eventually society corrects it's problem. Because it ultimately is their problem and when societal failings are dealt with by genuinely good, moral/ethical, upstanding citizens are pressured to deny who they are because society denies their wrongs doing it unjustly causes a whole host of problems that innocent people are forced to deal with. It is unjust, because it is the the people whose behaviors are wrong that should be forced to endure the unnecessary hardships until they correct what's wrong, not the innocent being left to suffer until other people correct their wrongs as that is just simply plain bullshit

and the more people who are brave enough to live openly, as well as more people being vocal and taking action to stand behind those who are brave enough and any way others show their support for innocent people suffering affliction, the quicker and therefore less unnecessary damage is allowed to occur in every life of truly innocent people

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 03-25-2013 at 04:38 AM. Reason: added thoughts
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  #6  
Old 03-25-2013, 10:45 AM
annakas annakas is offline
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One of the issues others have not mentioned is the fact tha you are interested iin her relative/family member.

Even if she would agree to a non-monogamous relationship with you this does not mean she would be okay and fine with you having sex with with her relatives/family members/closest female friends.

That might be too close for comfort and also endanger her family relations/BFF relations if things don't work out. This could cause some nasty family drama, same with dating close friends.

So perhaps if she even agrees to a non monogamous relationship you should find your other partners outside of her family members/closest female friends circle. Perhaps someone she doesn't know or is a vague aqueintance.
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