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  #21  
Old 03-24-2013, 03:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If Liam doesn't want a relationship with you, and you aren't sure if you want one with him, why did you kiss? Seems like playing with fire to me. It also seems like you are letting this crush go to your head and you are not thinking clearly.

You and your husband need to look at agreements you made and see what changes are needed now. Keep talking, talking, talking. Leave Liam alone for now. Don't make it even more messy by being around him, unless you really just like creating drama.
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  #22  
Old 03-24-2013, 03:57 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by dryad View Post
I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him. ...But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with 2 people and there's nothing I can do about it!

....I need to somehow be with him, on some level.
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Originally Posted by dryad View Post
I don't know if I can not see Liam - I value his friendship and it's what's been keeping me going! I'm willing to keep our relationship platonic, but I don't think I couldn't have him in my life.
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I'm so confused, I don't know what to do!
I personally think that the first thing to do is change your thinking. You are not helpless. You want many things listed above, but by telling yourself repeatedly that you need such and such that you can't not have what you want...you are causing some of your own difficulty.

Actually, you can have a strong impact on your feelings by either feeding them, and indulging them, or by choosing to constantly re-focus elsewhere rather than dwell on them.

If your 'poly' experience so far has been seeing a married man--and you yourself were not seeing anyone else--and that man's marriage broke up so he could be with the other woman he was seeing--I can see why he's afraid of now being the one left.
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  #23  
Old 03-24-2013, 11:02 AM
dryad dryad is offline
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Whoah! No, that's not how it was.. the poly experiences I've had before weren't just when my husband was married, as I explained I had a 6 month relationship with someone else after we were married.

Yes I can see why he's scared. I can understand his point of view completely. I think I'm just looking for answers as to what I really want, if I'm honest.
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  #24  
Old 03-24-2013, 11:07 AM
dryad dryad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If Liam doesn't want a relationship with you, and you aren't sure if you want one with him, why did you kiss? Seems like playing with fire to me. It also seems like you are letting this crush go to your head and you are not thinking clearly.

You and your husband need to look at agreements you made and see what changes are needed now. Keep talking, talking, talking. Leave Liam alone for now. Don't make it even more messy by being around him, unless you really just like creating drama.
I will answer your question with your quotes! "Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy!" We kissed because it happened. We have a connection. Love flows freely and sometimes without attachment.
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  #25  
Old 03-24-2013, 06:59 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by dryad View Post
He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?
He probably told himself that you would never really act on it. In could be that in his mind, it was fine for you to "be poly" and have those thoughts and feelings, but not to actually act on them.

People tell themselves all kinds of stories. "She's not really poly, she just hasn't found the right man. I'll show her. I'll be man enough that she doesn't need anyone else." Then when reality doesn't line up with the stories some people tell themselves, they try to change reality to match their story.

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Originally Posted by dryad View Post
I think he really wants an answer to his question "why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?
He will probably never really "get it," just like I will never truly understand the monogamous mindset. I can accept, intellectually, that some people are mono-wired and they can be satisfied knowing they will only be with that one person for the rest of their life. But it's always "ok, I believe you" not "yeah, that makes sense."

He's obviously mono-wired. He was married and dating you, his ex-wife is poly, there was no logistical reason he couldn't see you and still be married to her. But that's not how he rolls, which is fine.

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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
And please back off from Liam, that will just complicate things far too much right now.
I respectfully disagree. The husband has had 5 years to deal with dryad's polyamory. When her relationship ended with Ben, he manipulated her into agreeing not to do that again. He did not try to accept her polyamory in the past, so why would he start now if he can get her to just stop behaving poly?

Whenever she's not into someone else, he can just put his head in the sand and pretend she's monogamous. If she keeps giving up her other loves for his sake, he may come to believe that all he has to do is put his foot down and force her to follow his monogamous rules. If she ends her involvement with Liam, it's sending the message to her husband that she is willing to put her basic nature aside for the sake of his discomfort.

This isn't some new thing that she just stumbled on last week. If he's uncomfortable with polyamory, he shouldn't have married a polyamorist woman. Simple as that. He knew she was poly and he married her anyway. He doesn't get to wake up one day and decide that she has to become mono just because coping with poly is painful. He has to learn to accept it, or he has to leave
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  #26  
Old 03-24-2013, 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post


I respectfully disagree. The husband has had 5 years to deal with dryad's polyamory. When her relationship ended with Ben, he manipulated her into agreeing not to do that again. He did not try to accept her polyamory in the past, so why would he start now if he can get her to just stop behaving poly?
I am not certain why you chose my quote, since plenty of people agree on this thread that Liam in an added complication in an already upsetting and volatile situation. She has a crush on Liam but she is married to her husband, now to me, it makes no sense at all to risk her marriage for this crush that probably will not go anywhere, but you are of course within your rights to disagree, but frankly I don't ascribe to the 'Woe is me, I am a victim of my feelings' mentality anyway. She can stop it, she just doesn't want to.

She came on here looking for viewpoints and my viewpoints is not to rail road her husband in a put up or shut up sort of way, if she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to concentrate on the marriage, rather than creating NRE with Liam, which will, as any ful kno, make it near impossible for her to think clearly and back away then. She has to do it before things get too complicated.

At the end of the day my point is not about whether she can have a poly life or not, I actually agree with you that she did not deceive him and that he will have to accept it or they will have to split, but I don't think she will be able to do the job she is trying to do, effectively, with Liam floating in front of her eyes.

What does the OP want? Marriage or Liam, she won't have them both, not ethically.

Natja
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  #27  
Old 03-24-2013, 07:35 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from dryad):
Quote:
"I think he really wants an answer to his question, 'Why aren't I enough for you?' But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?"
I suggest something like: "It's not that there's anything lacking in you, it's just that I tend to fall in love with more than one person."

But it's true that he may never understand, no matter how good of an answer you give.
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  #28  
Old 03-24-2013, 09:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Is your marriage worth losing because of the feelings for Liam? You have stated that you are not sure he wants a relationship, so how did you end up falling in love with him? What happens if that love is not mutual? I am just assuming because you never said how he felt about you. If you do not know, perhaps you need to find out before telling him about the feelings you have for him. What is it that you want from Liam? A physical relationship? Friends with benefits? If a relationship is not what either of you wants, what is the urgency or this need to open up and spill your feelings?
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  #29  
Old 03-24-2013, 09:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I am not certain why you chose my quote, since plenty of people agree on this thread that Liam in an added complication in an already upsetting and volatile situation.
Because you said it first, no other reason. I'm not trying to single you out or anything.

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She has a crush on Liam
Your words, not hers. She says she loves him. I hear that as more than just a crush.

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it makes no sense at all to risk her marriage for this crush that probably will not go anywhere
But it makes sense to let her husband change who she is? To give in to his demands just because he's now realized he doesn't like what he signed up for 5 years ago?

I think standing up for who you are and sticking to your beliefs are very good reasons for risking a marriage. People have risked far more than marriage for their principles. A spouse should complement you, support you, and understand you. Above all else, they should accept you. They should not try to change you. If he really wants a reason why he's "not enough" for her, there it is: you don't accept me.

Quote:
I don't ascribe to the 'Woe is me, I am a victim of my feelings' mentality anyway. She can stop it, she just doesn't want to.
I agree that she's no victim to her feelings and that she has the choice whether to be involved with Liam. With Liam specifically, I agree that she's playing victim with "there's nothing I can do about it."

She can stop seeing Liam. She can't stop being poly. Why should she have to?

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my viewpoints is not to rail road her husband in a put up or shut up sort of way
So it's fair for him to railroad her in a "change who you are because it hurts my feelings" sort of way?

Quote:
if she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to concentrate on the marriage, rather than creating NRE with Liam
The fundamental problem I see in their marriage, based on what little we have to go on, is that she is not happy being forced to act monogamous.

I don't see what she can do to work on that. Her husband married a polyamorous woman and now he's trying to make her change. You just don't do that to people. If you don't accept someone how they are, then you don't marry them. It's not rocket science.

It's not like they were mono, then she meets this guy and decides she's not mono, and now wants to change the boundaries of the marriage. In that case, I would agree that she could put the guy on hold while her husband adjusts to the new paradigm. But he's had over 5 years to adjust to a paradigm that pre-exists their marriage. If he was putting in effort to actually do that, she wouldn't be here.

He asks what he can do to make her happy. What he really means is, what can he do to make her happy being monogamous?

Quote:
What does the OP want? Marriage or Liam, she won't have them both, not ethically.
But the choice is not "marriage or Liam," it's "marriage or polyamory." Liam is just one romance in a lifelong journey of loving multiple people. He's not asking her to give up Liam because there's something specifically wrong with Liam. He hasn't even said "give up Liam to give me space to work on accepting your poly."

He's asking her to give up Liam because he hates everything Liam represents: the fact that he's not "enough" for her.

He needs to accept that he is not enough for her, and that's not a failing in him or even her. I love pizza, but I can't live on pizza alone. That doesn't mean pizza should feel inadequate just because I need to eat other things. It just means I'm the kind of animal that can't live on one single type of food.

I don't see how giving up Liam will solve anything. Of course we don't have his side, but I'm not hearing any indication that the husband will work on accepting polyamory, but that Liam makes it too much right now. I'm hearing that he wants Liam to go away so he can go back to pretending he married a monogamous woman.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-24-2013 at 09:55 PM.
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  #30  
Old 03-24-2013, 10:08 PM
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You left out the point where I said I agree with you that he (the husband) married a Poly woman and will have to deal with that, what I wrote was specifically about Liam and the fact that she will not be able to have both Liam and her marriage. Yes Liam is a symbol right now, wrong timing I suppose, however the husband has spoken out now and if she wants to remain married, Liam can't be around right now.

And yes, people can risk their marriage for their principles, but, I got the feelings that Dryad was trying to find a way to reassure her husband, my point was that she would have to put Liam (who does not actually WANT a relationship with her remember?) aside to do it, it is not just that she has feelings for him but he is a distraction also.

I may sound harsh, but it sounds like a teenage crush gone mad, we don't get everything and everyone we want, Dryad needs to start acting like an adult and stop weeping over a man she can't actually have whilst simultaneously losing one she does have.
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