left out of the NRE

I agree with the others: This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you to stay in. Run, run, run. But, I respect that it's your decision, and as such I'll talk a little bit about what it would mean for you to stay.

One option would be to stay with G only, as H has an abortion and moves on. G would be furious with with you about that, and it's anyone's guess how long he'd hold that against you as a grudge. There's also the question of what new partners he'd pick up in the future, rinse and repeat and start the whole trying-to-get-pregnant-with-her-too process over again.

Another option is to just cave on what G and H want, and accept that G and H are going to have a baby (on the heels of the baby that you're already going to have). If you accept this, what do G and H offer to help make this a reasonable/sane scenario (and one that's fair to the kids)? Is H willing to become a stay-at-home mom, to help take care of her own baby, and to pitch in on helping to take care of all the kids in general? Does G (as nycindie pointed out) have a plan for securing the kind of work that would financially support all these kids?

The final option would be to make no demands and no requests of G and H, and to just do what they are asking you to do, to stay and to accept whatever (if anything) they have in mind. So, if they simply want to stick you with the care of an extra baby, you would accept that without complaint. Heck, if they wanted to have one baby after another, you'd accept that too and take care of all the babies, without their help or with some tokenary help (such as G being good at playing with the kids -- when he's home). As for financial support, you would simply be hoping that they would provide that, and find creative ways to make ends meet if you can. (How would you manage the logistics of shopping with all those kids in tow?)

The life you live will be your life, and should be based on your decisions. So I think it's okay to give these various scenarios consideration. Don't decide to reject them unless/until you're sure that's what you want. Yes, breaking up would/will come with considerable hardships of its own, which in turn will also affect the children. So be sure about what you want to do before you do it.

As I said before, I don't even object to G and H having a kid per se; I just think they need to wait awhile before having one, so that conditions will exist for the new baby to arrive that are sane, fair, and reasonable, for all of you including for the new baby and the other kids.

I realize you are also struggling with their want to have daily sex even at bad times for you, and that you'd like them to lessen how often they have sex in general, regardless of the pregnancy issues. That's something else you'd have to work out with them if you decide to stay, assuming you don't choose to simply accept what they want without revision.

When you say that G loves you, I assume there are things he does that seem loving, but I hope you can see how, to us on this site, it seems like he's not acting very loving. Hon, I hate to see you treated badly. You have been very patient and kind. It's not unreasonable for you to have your own boundaries.
 
I just went back and skimmed some of your replies. So H is an early 20-something year old, partying student, who is possibly trying to conceive? Why not wait until she finishes school or establishes a career? Does she have the means to financially support a child? You mentioned that she works, but if she is a student, how much can she really be working? Granted I know some students amass 40 hours and hold down a full load of classes. That generally is not the norm because it is stressful and hard. It just does not seem like she has herself together enough to possibly be bringing a baby into the world. She is living with you and your family. Slumming it on the couch, not paying rent, and just kind of there. I think you mentioned that she will not be paying rent until May. SMH. It must be nice to be that foot loose and fancy free and basically have a built-in nanny/housekeeper if you decide to stay.
 
Granted I know some students amass 40 hours and hold down a full load of classes. That generally is not the norm because it is stressful and hard.

And no student works 40 hours, goes to school full time, AND takes care of her own baby. That's literally impossible. My gf was a single parent through university. It fucking sucked. Sleep? What is this "sleep" of which you speak? And that was with daycare. I think we all know what H plans on for daycare... But does the baby-sitter get a say in that? No. Every time purple tries to stand up for her rights, she's told SHE's the one being selfish. Fuck that shit.

How about this option? When your baby is born, you take a few months to nurse her. Then when H's baby comes, she gets to be the stay-at-home-mom, and you go out and get a job. Then at least you'll have some means for leaving if you decide to later on. Then you're not "forcing" her to have an abortion (you're not anyways, but then G can't even pretend that you are), and you're not locked into this madness situation of staying home with umptillion kids. Oh, but don't forget to open your own bank account and have your cheques put in there. Better yet, have your parents open an account in their name and put it there, so that he can't touch it when you leave.
 
She is finished school, but yeah, she 22, she just met this.guy and you.know what, he might be really awesome and she might be sooooo in love bit he's kinda an asshole, dontcha think? Maybe she should give it some more time before she decides to be linked to him for life. I know I wish I had. I love my son, he is the love of my life, but look where we are now. She can still walk away with a broken heart and her own autonomy. I am not so fortunate. I am looking at becoming a single mom of two with no source of income or skills that would allow me to support my children comfortably. I put my education on hold to be a stay at home mom. Now I am 27 with two kids and may need to start over.

He keeps referring to my threat of leaving as 'the loaded gun' that I need to put down. I'm pretty sure he is the one who fired his loaded gun and precipitated this entire situation. I realize this baby of theirs is still hypothetical but I think this is the point where a sane person trying to save their relationship would say 'i screwed up, I love you, we will get through this.' I'd say that's the bare minimum.

H is saying she is not keeping the baby but because she couldn't live with the guilt, not because it is a BAD idea. Ugh.

Galagirl, your breakdown is pretty much spot on.
He is currently gearing up to lose H and go back to the duo of him and me. I wish it hadn't come to.this and I don't know what is left of.our relationship to salvage. I don't want her to, leave either, I'm hurting about that too. But I'm not the reason she has to go, their poor decision making and lack of basic decency and maturity is.
 
He is still clinging to the fantasy that she and I love eachother and him and we all raise our children together. And.the sad part is, that might have been possible. But not like this.
 
There in is the problem. She is 22 and has not experienced life. Taking care of a child is no easy feat, and you cannot just stop being a mum or dad when you want to. It is a lifelong commitment. Does she realise that her partying ways will have to stop and she will be accountable for a little child from now until he/she turns 18. Even then, they still need you for university and getting financial aid.

Starting over and learning to stand on your own two feet is scary, but you can do it. If you can be a mother and survive pregnancy and labour/childbirth, you can do anything. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. It takes strength to be a mummy. Strength that you never even knew you had. Though you have no particular set of skills, that should not stop you from getting a job. It is never too late to further your education either. Some companies are quite flexible and will even help you pay for school if it means that you can advance with them. There is pride in any job. Even if you do decide to stay put for the time being, you can always put your children into a nursery and work outside of the home. There is always someone hiring. It may not be your dream job, but it could facilitate in helping you to establish some independence and at least give you the option to leave and have something that belongs to you.
 
Re (from purpleboots):
"He keeps referring to my threat of leaving as 'the loaded gun' that I need to put down. I'm pretty sure he is the one who fired his loaded gun and precipitated this entire situation."

LOLOL, sorry but that's pretty funny (or would be if it wasn't true).

Re:
"I don't want her to leave either, I'm hurting about that too. But I'm not the reason she has to go, their poor decision making and lack of basic decency and maturity is."

Even given their poor decision making and all that, I still don't get how "abortion = H leaves." Why doesn't H have the option to abort and still stay? Sounds like that's completely H's call.

Re (from FullofLove1052):
"Does she realise that her partying ways will have to stop and she will be accountable for a little child from now until he/she turns 18. Even then, they still need you for university and getting financial aid."

Yah ... partying days will be over ...
 
Re (from InsideItsRaining):
"While I understand, and can appreciate the fact that you both would like to continue this triad and have a baby together: You, in turn, must understand that I was not given the option on the front end to have a say, as I am just now being made privy to 'your' plans. I wish you had extended the courtesy of honesty to me and discussed this situation (example: having unprotected sex with the intent of pregnancy) 'with me,' in lieu of 'telling me' after the fact. It is only then that you can make an argument for justifying 'your' actions as I was not made aware of your immediate intent to add another child to our increasingly difficult situation.

Perhaps you can appreciate my surprise to finding out that you were having unprotected sex as I was left to make this discovery on my own. Your dishonesty has left me broken, not just for myself but for that of all three of us and most importantly the children. I wanted this to work and painfully you both chose to close the lines of communication and exclude me from the equation. It is important that you understand how I feel. It is important that you respect my feelings as they are my own, I am my own, and I am important and deserving of a loving, trusting environment and relationship that I can thrive in. So my response to you and 'your' plans, is nothing more than a reaction to your actions.

Furthermore, you don't get to blame me! You don't get to resent me for reacting to the choices 'you' made as I will not feel an ounce of fault in your decision to abort, should you choose to. Again, I reiterate, I am simply reacting to your actions, to the choices you have made without including me or my input. I didn't ask for this, I'm not asking for this, therefore, don't expect me to conform to your thought process. It was your choices, your behaviors that have led us here and you are the ones who must face the consequences and own them.

Finally, at this time I cannot commit to moving forward in this arrangement if another baby is brought into the mix. Hear me when I say that I am *not* advocating abortion, but again, I am simply reacting to the recent chain of events imposed upon me without my knowledge. Therefore, I do not accept any ownership in the 'forcing of hands' as I did not choose this to begin with. That lies with the both of you. So the choice is once again, 'yours' to make. I reserve and fully intend on exercising my right to choose as well."

Very well-worded.
 
Even given their poor decision making and all that, I still don't get how "abortion = H leaves." Why doesn't H have the option to abort and still stay? Sounds like that's completely H's call. .

Apparently if she does have an Abortion G won't let her say, so basically he will chuck her out if she has a termination.
 
Well G is way out in left field, then, if that is his attitude. :(
 
Apparently if she does have an Abortion G won't let her say, so basically he will chuck her out if she has a termination.

Is this inside information? That is not how it was presented in the public thread, but perhaps you're discussing in private.

H also said if she has to have an abortion, she won't be able to stay after that. G is hurting and resentful of me for that.

To me, it sounds more like H doesn't feel she would be comfortable staying with G after terminating the pregnancy he caused.

But really, it just sounds like more emotional manipulation than anything. She supposedly wanted to have that baby. She wasn't even willing to take the morning-after pill. I find it extremely unlikely that she would have an abortion just because some other woman wants her to. If she really had that kind of consideration for purple's position, she wouldn't have risked getting pregnant in the first place.

Or, if she is considering an abortion, it has exactly one thing to do with purple. That is: seeing the way G treats the women he impregnates and realizing how terrible it would be to put herself in that position.
 
Is this inside information? That is not how it was presented in the public thread, but perhaps you're discussing in private.



To me, it sounds more like H doesn't feel she would be comfortable staying with G after terminating the pregnancy he caused.

Ah yes, I must have been getting my initials mixed up....*sigh* I am tired...
 
He keeps referring to my threat of leaving as 'the loaded gun' that I need to put down.

Trying to control your behavior when he doesn't even control his? Sheesh. I sincerely hope you are safe and he's not making threats to harm you. :(

Be careful. Do leave, but if you need to make a safety plan first, do that first so you CAN leave safely. It just sounds wackier and wackier over there. :(

I am looking at becoming a single mom of two with no source of income or skills that would allow me to support my children comfortably. I put my education on hold to be a stay at home mom. Now I am 27 with two kids and may need to start over.

That's ok. 27 is young. You are not the first to walk this road. Won't be the last -- divorce, widowhood, things in life HAPPEN. Hold your head up high and you navigate this next change in your life. Just get there safe.

I realize this baby of theirs is still hypothetical but I think this is the point where a sane person trying to save their relationship would say 'i screwed up, I love you, we will get through this.' I'd say that's the bare minimum.

Yep. And he is not delivering bare minimum. He does not demonstrate loving care and loving concern for either woman and her well being right now. He's all about him and what he gets.

H is saying she is not keeping the baby but because she couldn't live with the guilt, not because it is a BAD idea.

That is her decision. Each of you is responsible for their OWN well being. Each make the choices they need to make to preserve their OWN well being.

At 22 she is still quite young and inexperienced. Who knows what tales she got from him. I hope he's not applying the same tactics to her to get his own way with her. I am concerned. TWO people being hurt is not cool. ONE is not cool! But you cannot afford to take on her baggage. You could leave it as each person look to their own well being. Everyone could hold their own baggage. You could look after you and your kids.

He is currently gearing up to lose H and go back to the duo of him and me.

He decides he is done with her being his... cum cushion? Now he's just going to saunter on back to you despite breaking agreements and trust with you like it's all latidah? I apologize for the bad language... This is just impossible how he treats people. People are not THINGS. People are not "less than." His behavior is just... UGH. :mad:

Does he even consult you on that? Your "staying in a duo" willingness? Or just assume you are always there for his convenience? No matter how poorly he treats you or how poorly he behaves or how poorly he treats other people? Sheesh!

Be leery of staying with him. You have not received any kind of new duo offer here.

He breaks limits with you to cum in her?
He treats her like a thing and not a person and tosses her (maybe pregnant!) when he is done with his jollies with her?
He is not considerate of either partner. He's just not trustworthy in his word or in his behaviors. :(

I wish it hadn't come to.this and I don't know what is left of.our relationship to salvage. I don't want her to, leave either, I'm hurting about that too. But I'm not the reason she has to go, their poor decision making and lack of basic decency and maturity is.

If he is kicking her to the curb pregnant with his child, HE is the reason she has to go.

If you feel like he's treating her poorly (and chucking her when he maybe got her pregnant carelessly is POOR TREATMENT!) tell her you don't wish her ill or her to want her endure poor treatment at his doing either. You are sorry things are hard, but you need to look out for your own health and well being and advise her to do same! Advise her to seek help at her family of origin and flee the madness too! :(

He is still clinging to the fantasy that she and I love each other and him and we all raise our children together. And.the sad part is, that might have been possible. But not like this.

I am glad you continue to talk SANITY and can see his nutty. You go on treating yourself with self-respect. Could take steps to avoid new madness. For her sake I hope she is NOT pregnant and she's waking up real fast to the fact that he's just not a trustworthy person. I hope she takes steps to avoid new madness too.

Hang in there. You have worth, dignity and value. This situation bites!

But you have worth, dignity and value and you will get through this one way or another.

Galagirl
 
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To me, it sounds more like H doesn't feel she would be comfortable staying with G after terminating the pregnancy he caused.

But really, it just sounds like more emotional manipulation than anything. She supposedly wanted to have that baby. She wasn't even willing to take the morning-after pill. I find it extremely unlikely that she would have an abortion just because some other woman wants her to. If she really had that kind of consideration for purple's position, she wouldn't have risked getting pregnant in the first place.

Or, if she is considering an abortion, it has exactly one thing to do with purple. That is: seeing the way G treats the women he impregnates and realizing how terrible it would be to put herself in that position.

Yup yup yup.
 
With regard to the above, If it were me my response to G&H would be as follows:
"While I understand, and can appreciate the fact that you both would like to continue this triad and have a baby together. You, in turn, must understand that I was not given the option on the front end to have a say, as I am just now being made privy to "your" plans. I wish you had extended the courtesy of honesty to me and discussed this situation (example:having unprotected sex with the intent of pregnancy)"with me", in lieu of "telling me" after the fact. It is only then that you can make an argument for justifying "your" actions as I was not made aware of your immedient intent to add another child to our increasingly difficult situation. Perhaps you can appreciate my surprise to finding out that you were having unprotected sex as I was left to make this discovery on my own. Your dishonesty has left me broken, not just for myself but for that of all 3 of us and most importantly the children. I wanted this to work and painfully you both chose to close the lines of communication and exclude me from the equation. It is important that you understand how I feel. It is important that you respect my feelings as they are my own, I am my own, and I am important and deserving of a loving, trusting environment & relationship that I can thrive in. So my response to you and "your" plans, Is nothing more than a reaction to your actions. Furthermore, you don't get to blame me! You don't get to resent me for reacting to the choices "you" made as I will not feel an ounce of fault in your decision to abort, should you choose to. Again, I reiterate, I am simply reacting to your actions, to the choices you have made without including me or my input. I didn't ask for this, I'm not asking for this, therefore, don't expect me to conform to your thought process. It was your choices, your behaviors that have led us here and you are the ones who must face the consequences and own them. Finally, at this time I cannot commit to moving forward in this arrangement if another baby is brought into the mix. Hear me when i say that i am NOT advocating abortion, but again, i am simply reacting to the recent chain of events imposed upon me without my knowledge. Therefore, I do not accept any ownership in the "forcing of hands" as I did not choose this to begin with. That lies with the both of you. So the choice is once again, "yours" to make. I reserve and fully intend on exercising my right to choose as well.

Purple boots, I know I have repeated myself over and over again but It just seems as if they are both completely disconnected from you and your feelings. The only way you can make them understand is to beat it into their heads repeatedly until they listen to you, and even then they may never get it. You must be clear and concise. Leave no room for them to misunderstand. You have to set the expectations up front. Whatever you decide, if you and G stay together and H leaves after the abortion, I can assure you, that G will most likely try and use the abortion (if it happens) as a means to manipulate you in the future. This is why you must make him understand. I just worry that he will use this against you in the future if you choose to stay together. And let's be honest, it would be such a burden for you to carry any guilt for that should it happen.

Also-The children may not know outright that H is more involved with you and G but they will begin to sense a shift in the dynamic of the household. Children are a product of their environment. If you don't put a stop to this pattern of behavior immediately, then you can anticipate that the children are going to see this as normal and its highly possible that they could grow up and allow others to take advantage of them to. It's imperative that you get this situation under control, if not for yourself then please, I beg you, do it for the kids. You seem like an extremely loving and responsible parent so try and look at it from their perspective. -And through that process, maybe you will find the answers you seek.

I respect your desire to work through your marriage as that is the vow you made. So I get it. I'm not saying G is all bad as I'm sure he must have some good qualities for you to have married him. I'm not an expert on this subject as I guess I'm what you'd call a polyvirgin. But I have learned enough to know that any type of relationship needs open lines of communication, trust, honesty, respect and lots of love.

Finally.... I want to say thank you. I appreciate you being so candid about your situation. If its any consolation, you have opened my eyes to an abundance of things that I need to incorporate into my own poly journey once it begins. I truly hope you achieve the outcome you desire. Wherever life leads you, may you find the solace to live a happy and fulfilling life. Best wishes to you and your family.


Didn't see this comment until now. This is all very well stated and I really appreciate it.

As for the H leaving post.abortion thing, she feels like she will not be able.to stay and be present for and.involved in us raising our new baby when she has just has to terminate her pregnancy. I can.completely understand that. Like I said before, its.just unfortunate it.had to come to this. Things are calm now. I feel somewhat relaxed, certainly not as.panicked and frenzied as I have been. No new developments except a pretty decent conversation w G that somehow didn't end in me in a tearful rage. I still don't know what I'm going to do long term, but its calm here again for now.
 
Ugh Purpleboots, it sounds like he is worming his way back into getting what he wants from you. You keep swaying from your very mature rational "Hell no!" viewpoint to "Maybe it will be okay." Don't let that happen. For your own good, no matter how calm things seem now, you need to leave him.

You will be much better off starting over somewhere else. I had to start over at 50 when my husband left me, and it wasn't my choice. I have learned so much about life and myself, and looked at so many issues, I am now stronger and coming through the other side.

You can start over at any time. But don't wait until he does something so absolutely foolish that you are forced to start over to stay safe. Go now. Choose it. Think of what you would say to a dear friend in the same situation - you would tell her to get the hell out for her sanity and safety. Think of your child and unborn baby, and go ask your family for help. Don't talk to him anymore - he twisted you to conform to what he wanted before and will do it again.
 
As GG would say, everything is still full of UGH over here. Yesterday was a good day. I felt appreciated and safe and cared for and like they were taking steps towards recovery from this crisis. I went to bed early after a nice cuddle and talk with G and confirming with H that she would come to bed and not sulk on the couch. I woke up at. 1 am to hear them having sex. When I talked to H the other day about them toning it down and using discretion I mentioned that I would like for them to take a break from having sex for a few days so I could regain some footing to get to a place where I could cope with that again. They were mad at me for interrupting them. I was mad that they disrespected me again. This isn't working. Am I unreasonable in being pissed off that they just appeased me and waited til the first opportunity to have sex again? H stated last night that she needs to have sex with G and I.get that, I was just asking for a little reprieve from the work it takes for me to handle that.
 
Am I being unfair in making my needs trump theirs? They feel like I am. Like I am dictating the terms of their relationship and that is unreasonable. I feel like they are working as a team in trying to overcome the adversity that is my needs and 'unreasonable demands' I just feel so alone and helpless.
 
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