Marriage, jealousy and new feelings..

Hi all, I'm new to the forum but not to polyamory. I've been poly all my life, but only started practising poly openly when I married my husband (Jayden) in 2008. He accepted it. While he's not poly, he was OK with the fact that I was. I met someone shortly after we married and had a relationship with him alongside the marriage. The only rule was "no sex." Jayden and I agreed that sex would just be for us.

The relationship with Ben lasted about 6 months. It ended when I became pregnant. (Jayden and I had been trying for a baby.) It ended peacefully. I was then happy to practise a mono relationship with Jayden.

He later told me, since the birth of our son, that he wasn't happy about my relationship with Ben. He'd just put up with it because he loved me, but it tore him apart inside.

I hadn't realised this. I felt awful about it. But we talked and he accepted that it's just who I am.

I said I'd try to 'change' and be mono, in order to save our marriage.

Well, fast forward to now, and I've met someone else. We'll call him Liam. I have fallen for him, and he feels the same, but doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not sure I even want a relationship with him, but I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him.

I still love Jayden and don't want to leave him. I want our marriage to work. But he is not OK with how I feel about Liam. I told him last night and he was distraught. I don't know what to do. I'm not 100% happy in my marriage. I want to try and make it work. But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with two people and there's nothing I can do about it!

Jayden keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am, and that I am in love with two people.

Like I said, I don't think I want a relationship with Liam, but I need to somehow be with him, on some level. We've been spending a lot of time together as friends. When we kissed yesterday it became clear to us both that there's more to it than friendship.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do!

Your husband should accept who you are, but his insecurities are clouding both your and his mind.

Is he afraid of sexual partners? Non-sexual partners? Or just not cool with you off with another man?

Have you told him how you feel, how he's making you feel like a dirty bad guy for loving?

What he doesn't understand is how I can be in love with two people, and the fact that I love Liam doesn't mean I love Jayden any less. I think that it's jealousy, and almost like I'm destroying the sacred bond of our marriage?

He says he feels lost and confused and sad that he doesn't make me happy. But he does make me happy. I can't seem to get through to him that I can be in love with two people. I don't know why, after all this time, he doesn't seem to understand. He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?

I told him I'm not happy, because for a while I haven't been happy. But I think that's my issue (alcohol issues, illness, etc.), but he takes that to mean that I'm not happy with him.

Sometimes getting to know their metamour helps. Not saying it will for him, but it's worth a try. Why don't the three of you go to coffee?

Maybe he just needs time to absorb.

Send him here. Do research together, watch shows on poly, read publications. Maybe he just needs the education.

I don't think he'd go for meeting Liam. He doesn't want to see him. He sees him as "the other man," even though it isn't that black and white. I will try and educate him, but he's putting barriers up.

Sometimes subtlety wins in the game of curiosity. I left a book in our bathroom magazine holder. He eventually got curious enough to read some of it.

I think he really wants an answer to his question, "w\Why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?

It's a natural progression. Just like there are 7 stages of grief, there are stages to working through this. Communication is key, but I suggest giving him some time.

If you can, maybe suggest to Liam that you need to chill til Jayden is on board. I know it sucks, but by pushing him, you may lose him.

Thank you.

The thing that worries me is whether your husband knew about you being poly before you married him? If you only told him after you married, well, that could really constitute a bait and switch.

I know he said he accepted it, but it was admittedly a lie based on fear. Since you made the commitment to him and have no other commitments at the moment, you have to make a choice between putting a halt to other romantic attachments, and see whether you could ever make Jayden feel secure enough to accept polyamory, or see if you could accept he wants a mono marriage and live with that, or decide if you must end your marriage.

Whatever happens, you can't have Liam right now, and pursuing it would be quite selfish at this time.

Oh no, he knew before we were married. He knew as soon as we started seeing each other. It was in fact how we got together. He was married. I had a relationship with him whilst he was married. His wife knew, and she was having a relationship with another guy, whom she later married. Jayden left his wife for me.

Welcome to the forum, Dryad.

Jayden will likely never understand how it is possible to love two people. It took him months or years to tell you that he was never really comfortable with the idea of you having had a relationship with Ben. I would suggest finding out why he is so uncomfortable with it. When one partner is polyamorous, it is almost expected to feel as if one is not enough and to wonder why that partner feels the need to seek anything else. Sometimes there is a silent threat. Whereas he was the only man in your life for a while, and became accustomed to it, suddenly there is someone else. Jayden may feel threatened, and like Liam is trying to take his place and become a step-dad to your child(ren). His feelings have a root cause.

I just saw your comment, so I had to edit this. Jayden left his wife for you. That is interesting and would explain a portion of the fear. He left his wife for you, so subconsciously he acknowledges that the very same could happen to him. You could leave him for someone else. Sometimes it is a cycle. Other times it just plays out that way.

Jayden did something to make you happy, but he actually did not like it. He accepted it because he loved you. He probably never liked it, understood it, or even approved of it. He knew it was something you desired, so to keep the woman he loved and to keep her happy, he agreed to it. Notice that it took him years to tell you that he was never really okay with it to begin with it. He probably feared losing you, so he kept that to himself. Now he fears losing you to someone else. The problem with that is resentment has an entry. Did you tell Jayden when you first met Liam, or did you wait until after the feelings had developed?

Are you doing things to make Jayden feel special? Reminding him why you love him? Having date nights? Reminding him why you married him in the first place? Are you still doing the things it took to get him in beginning at this moment? When dealing with NRE (new relationship energy) or even just developing feelings for another person, people sometimes get complacent and shift all of their focus to that new relationship. They bank on the established one being solid and stable, and they forget to tend to that person's needs or the relationship's needs.

Thank you. That makes sense. However, he is not step dad to my child, he is the father. We have a son together. Also he has a daughter from his first marriage, who calls me Mum.

Then I believe he's afraid you'll do the same. He needs reassurance from you that you won't end up leaving him. He's going off past experience and he's also ignoring your needs. If he knew before who you were, then he's trying to suppress you and have you all to himself. This is not good. If he continues to suppress you, he may lose you anyway. Tell him that!

I would not advise him to suppress you, but you have to hear what he is saying and actually take it all in. Consider his feelings and needs. Ask him what he needs to be happy, or at least comfortable. Compromise and communication. Are there any boundaries outside of the initial "no sex" thing with Ben?

My tragic flaw was not listening to my husband when he brought things to my attention. I tuned out his needs. As a result, he had years worth of suppressed resentment, and we are in counselling now. He is the monogamous one in our marriage, and he does not understand my polyamorous nature, like it, or accept it. He is coping with it, but we are not out of the woods.

http://www.morethantwo.com This is a very helpful website, and I believe it can help if you both read it.

Truth be told, Jayden could actually see polyamory as something that ruins marriages, rather than strengthens them, based upon his own previous experiences. It could take a long time for him to accept polyamory into your lives. Or he may never accept it, and you have to be prepared for that also. Either way, in a situation like this, it was never going to be easy.

Please back off from Liam. That will just complicate things far too much right now.

Agreed. Adding Liam to this situation does not offer Jayden the comfort of being given time to work this out, but actually stresses him more.
We all have to make sacrifices for the ones we love. Liam will have to be yours til you work it out. And by that I mean TOGETHER!

Actively address Jayden. Make him feel more comfortable with the situation. Hurt puppies don't magically heal themselves, love.

And if it ever comes up that it cannot be resolved, don't believe it! It's poppycock. Everything can be resolved. You just need to work harder and see the whole picture, consequences and all.

Jayden keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with two people.

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There you go. That is your need for the marriage to have full emotional intimacy between you-- the need to be understood by your spouse, to be connected.

Is he willing to open enough to hear your poly thoughts and feelings, understand you fully, and not just parts of you that are easier for him to deal with?

Are you willing to close enough to be only his lover, and not see Liam to reciprocate and meet some of Jayden's needs for "exclusive?"

I don't know if any of my blog thread helps, but starting on post 6 I was writing about mono-poly.

GG

I don't know if I can not see Liam. I value his friendship. It's what's been keeping me going! I'm willing to keep our relationship platonic, but I don't think I could not have him in my life.

I meant "not see him," like not have him as romantic partner/lover. A friend relationship with him is fine. You can have all the friends you want and still maintain romantic/lover exclusivity with your spouse.

You could talk to Jayden about how you feel and what it is you need from him most.