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  #31  
Old 12-14-2009, 07:51 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Bowvine View Post
She says she doesn't want me to poison their relationship. That it is separate from she and me. She doesn't want ME to talk to him. She has made the ultimatum that if I do I will be dumped.

.
This is not healthy my friend. It reeks of deception and not of a poly aproach.
Especially the "dumping" issue..I doubt this guy even really knows about you.
I think it is you who should do the dumping. Sorry, but you have to look out for yourself in this I think.
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  #32  
Old 12-14-2009, 07:54 PM
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Bowvine Bowvine is offline
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Yes, one of my big concerns is self preservation and show up for myself. Hardest thing is letting go of someone you love. Because it will hurt to not be around her in the same capacity. I have a very strong relationship with her 3 year old too. It's like these things I can't give up, but in order to love myself I will have to if things don't change.
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  #33  
Old 12-14-2009, 07:56 PM
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It's like these things I can't give up, but in order to love myself I will have to if things don't change.
Beautiful statement and very true IMO. Not loving yourself is more damaging than denying love for others.
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  #34  
Old 12-14-2009, 08:31 PM
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I just called her and said, this is hard for both of us. I think it best if we just take some space until Wednesday night (when we're supposed to get together) and see how we feel then. I told her I love her and then I got off the phone. I need to take care of myself so after work today, it's self work I go.
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  #35  
Old 12-14-2009, 08:36 PM
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Good job my friend. I personally think you're on the right path. Stay strong
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  #36  
Old 12-14-2009, 09:17 PM
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I'm so sorry this is what is going on for you. Having chatted with you in PM's I really think at this point if she is saying you will "poison" her relationship she doesn't love you any more. Go find someone who wants to share everything with you and get out before you give her the pleasure of being the first to say its done.

Please ask her to stop saying she is poly too as its bullshit. She doesn't know what the meaning of the word is.
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  #37  
Old 12-15-2009, 12:28 AM
juliepatchoulie juliepatchoulie is offline
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Default New and Still Tryin'

Well, I have moved forward....now the only problem I am having is finding the right third party for this relationship I am now in....I really have trouble with acceptance and I know that it is important to be able to interact, omg- I mean I really don't get on too well with most women cause it always ends up being about the same old shit. You guys got a lot of patience and understanding that I do not readily have available, maybe I am jaded!!
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  #38  
Old 12-25-2009, 12:20 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
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so i gave her some space and then recently reached out to her again in the form of an email, expressing my well wishing toward her, and my hopes for up to be friends. That was a few weeks ago and i'm yet to recieve any kind of response. I.ve asked to have a chat with her and my SO in a few days to talk about things. I am hopeful this will sort some things out. I was told yesterday however, that she has recently said she is not happy about him 'sleeping with other women' so i am beginning to wonder if this is her viewpoint, if there will ever be any peace between us, let alone love or friendship. And if this is the case how this will effect my relating with IamWhoiam. Does any one here have any experience with being in a poly relationship where they didn't have peace with their SO's primary partner. And how did they work this? Did they just avoid going over to their house when the partner was there- can it work? I really need some practical advice here. And hoping for some positive stories of making the best of a sticky situation.. I currently feel unwelcome in their home, and have been told not to show affection toward IamWhoam in front of her as it upsets her. Is this a really warped dynamic? Do ppl think there is hope to turn the situation around? Thanks for your input guys. Much appreciated and apologies for the lack of formatting, i'm writing from my mobile and have no 'enter' button! *pd*
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  #39  
Old 12-25-2009, 04:12 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Not a good situation

Doesn't seem like a good situation for anyone to me. It's hard to get a complete picture of all the cast from your writing but it "seems" that his SO has has no interest in sharing anything (may or not be accurate?) and no interest in really investigating the pros & cons at all. Again, from your writing, is seems monogamy is her choice/belief system ?
If indeed this is the case I think you'll have to accept the fact that given it's current direction, eventually he is going to be forced to make a choice. Or it may be made for him. Somebody's (everybody?) going to probably get hurt.
So I guess I'd be prepared for the worst.


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  #40  
Old 01-09-2010, 03:40 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
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Default thanks for advice

Thanks for the advice Grounded spirit.
You're right, its not a good situation.

I agree that everyone is getting hurt.

Following his request that he and I don't have sex (or do anything physical that may challenge her) for a period of time, which he says is for him to maintain his peace, I decided that I will not be romantically involved with him.

I didn't feel right waiting around any longer for what I can and can't do, depending on where there relationship is at at any particular moment.

He doesn't seem to really understand what my aversion to this is about, and I believe he thinks it is me being reactive. While there is an element of this, its more an issue of my own integrity. If I compromise my integrity again (having previously agreed to a period of no-sex as requested by her) by complying with a request that I believe would not be in line with with us all being open, honest, and acting with integrity, then I wonder where I draw the line in the future. I also don't see that the request is actually going to SOLVE anything. I therefore see it as a pointless exercise, that just seeks to restrict relating.. I entered into my relationship with him with the understanding that we were going to try and relate WITHOUT restrictions.

I love him a lot, and have decided to give it a few more weeks of being 'just friends' with him, while I await some type of outcome/decision/break up from him and his live in partner.
If this occurs, then I will be open to continue dating him again, however if they can't manage this, then I will have to accept that there is no future for us in this way.

However, I fear that they will just come to another 'temporary outcome', where she says she is willing to accept things, and then another month down the track all the dramas will all start again.

He says that when she gets really 'clear' she realises everything is ok and she is fine with his other relationships, however this seems to be more of a fleeting moment, surrounding by days/weeks or saying its NOT OKAY.

I think he needs to respect what she is saying that she is not happy for him to be seeing other people. But I can see that he doesn't want to accept it. (For the obvious reason that he wants to still be in a relationship with her, as well as me, and his other G/F)

I think that HE needs to make the decision to either remain with her, and have a monogomous relationship, or break up with her, and continue to have polyamorous relationships with me and his other SO.

I don't want to have it be an ultimatum: her or me.
But I think it has come to this.
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt everytime he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsbility also to not do this.
Or is the responsibility really HIS?

I guess I ALWAYS have the responsbility to myself to do what I feel is right..

hmm.. any advice/reassurance welcome.

I guess I'll just have to see what the next few weeks bring...
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