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  #21  
Old 03-20-2013, 07:40 PM
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She came home last night and crumpled into my arms. I was watching some UFC so she laid there with me, crying and very upset . . . So, we laid there, I pet her, we quietly watched the fights, she wept.

. . . Seeing her like this is just freaking torture. Instead, I use my better judgment, shut my "helpful" mouth, and try not to cry in her hair.
At some point, you will know when it is appropriate and right to say to her, "come lay down with me" in a nurturing, tender way and she will go with you to bed. Maybe sex will happen the first time she goes, maybe not until the next time or the time after that, but right now you are letting her know she can safely have and experience her feelings with you while her world feels so sad and complicated, and that is a good thing.
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  #22  
Old 03-25-2013, 08:53 PM
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Default Getting Better

Thursday IV was home all day so we spent some light, friendly time together. We didn't talk about her family all day; just enjoyed each others company (I was working which probably helped keep it light). That evening we ran a couple of errands and got some dinner. Her mother is doing a lot better and is moving in with a family member which will be a good spot for her. This causes IV to worry about her mom less, which increases the odds of IV being able to recover.

Later that night she told me how nice it was to spend some time with me again, to feel like we could be "normal".

Sunday I got back from a weekend game (we do monthly table top role-playing benders) and was exhausted. As I was napping she came in and joined me. So, we were super lazy, ate, talked, napped, cuddled... it was exactly what I wanted.

She still hasn't spent the night and there has still been no sexy time between us, but I consider this to be HUGE progress. I'm just glad to see any movement back toward our romantic relationship. I miss her dearly and am excited to see a glimpse of her.
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Last edited by Marcus; 03-25-2013 at 09:01 PM.
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  #23  
Old 03-30-2013, 09:14 PM
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Talking Sleep Date

We have a sleep date tonight!!

To catch up:

This past Wednesday IV was home, we spend most of the day together, ended up in the shower and then some light sexy time after. It was wonderful to feel connected to her like that again. I'm pretty sure she felt like I was trying to suck her face off I was so excited to be in an embrace with her again!

She's heading out of town this coming week, starting Monday. So yesterday I thought now would be a good time to make my desires known to her. I sent her a text while she was at work telling her I'd like her to spend the night with me before she went out of town, if there were time and desire.

She said that would be great. We didn't discuss when, but my schedule is pretty forgiving so I didn't press the point. I figured she would let me know when she had a time in mind.

Today she asked me for a "sleep date" tonight, as well as a leisurely tomorrow morning with breakfast, followed by laundry lol. While I won't be doing any laundry tomorrow, I'm beside myself with happiness that our romantic relationship seems to be heading into a direction I find more desirable.
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  #24  
Old 03-31-2013, 07:08 PM
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That's great to hear! I'm glad that she's feeling better and things are already starting to get back to normal.
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  #25  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:09 PM
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Default Friends With Benefits

It's been quite some time since I have posted about my relationship status. Since this update is kind of related to this particular thread I thought I'd put it here instead of creating a new one.

My relationship with IV has leveled out quite a bit since last we talked. The family tragedy is all but forgotten and she has recovered admirably, as I expected she would. She has in the last couple of weeks, made notable adjustments in her work life (hired a couple of key people) which has freed up some of her time. The frequency of our sleepovers has increased dramatically and it seems that we are slipping into a more comfortable routine. My friendship with CV seems to be continually growing; he and I share nerd interests and sense of humor so I would consider our friendship to be on the upswing.

The conversation of "commitment" has come up a few times recently and it has me pondering my relationship strategy and has prompted me to take a closer look at my association with IV.

IV has told me a number of times that her relationship viewpoint is that she is "just here to party". This means that the ideals of sacrifice and compromise are not applicable and that only the things we *want* to express with each other get expressed. That the idea of "relationships take work" is bullshit outright and won't be given any weight. On all of these fundamentals we agree.

The other night IV, CV, and I were chatting about this topic because a friend of mine is in a point in his life where commitment is on his mind and so I brought it up and they were happy to discuss it with me. The central idea of the conversation was "when does commitment to a relationship become unhealthy?". The three of us agree more or less on where this line is.

As I have said in one of the threads on this board, I would consider myself committed to IV. As with my relationships with my close friends, I would cut any of them slack if they were going through some kind of contextual issues and that ending the relationship would only come about due to a fundamental change in our ability to relate to each other in a positive way. CV took it a bit further and explained that, once the relationship continues because of ideals like duty, sticking to your word, toughing it out, marriage, sacrificing, that is unhealthy. The only reason that a relationship should continue is that there is a positive exchange between the people involved; external pressures are nothing but barriers to a rational exit.

To illustrate his commitment to living life without artificial commitment, CV described their relationship as friends with benefits; friends and roommates who have sex. Something about the conversation made me uneasy; the assumption being that I am also considered a FWB to IV. Intellectually I know that this is the only way to relate to people effortlessly, which is something I greatly desire. However, I don't really have any experience actually treating people with this kind of laissez faire approach. While I have always considered myself to be independent and hesitant to put labels and responsibilities on people, this is a whole different level.

What I am currently trying to work out is, why am I having a negative reaction to the prospect of being considered her FWB? I've had FWB in the past and it was a stress free win-win. What I have never experienced is this kind of dedicated FWB where we are in love, live together, split expenses, share affection and laughs when we have time, have sleepovers and secks periodically... It's very good, but I can't shake the feeling that something is missing. Maybe it's because I've been in exclusively dramatic "serious" relationships for so long that it's like having something negative removed from my life but I miss it anyway. Like an abused spouse who doesn't know what to do with themselves now that the abuse is gone.
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  #26  
Old 08-02-2013, 03:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Forget about labeling yourself according to what someone else labels themselves. You know i make fun of it when people get all "OMG how DARE you try to label me AUUGH the NERVE of some ppl!!!!!one!!!1!"

But what i see here is a classic case of a label allergy-attack, combined with an episode of comparing your relationship to someone else's.

The question is, is this "real" to you, or is it just another reaction to old programming and thinking patterns rising to the surface to be confronted and neutralized? Is IV doing this TO you, or are you doing it to yourself?

You're welcome. I hope this helps the way that other thing you said did.
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  #27  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:30 PM
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The question is, is this "real" to you, or is it just another reaction to old programming and thinking patterns rising to the surface to be confronted and neutralized? Is IV doing this TO you, or are you doing it to yourself?
It isn't real, it's just an emotional response born of old stuff. I have a habit of self-identify through the roles that I instinctively try to impose on myself. It can be a struggle to keep from surrendering to this kind of thought process. I'm using you guys as part of my therapy routine. Fortunately this isn't a crisis of identity; this is just an emotional response that I'm trying to get a handle on.

It doesn't have anything to do with IV and she certainly isn't doing anything to me.

Also, "label allergy-attack" is fantastic!
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  #28  
Old 08-02-2013, 04:49 PM
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"label allergy-attack" is fantastic
Yeah i do have my moments in the sunshine, don't i.
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  #29  
Old 08-03-2013, 04:03 AM
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"why am I having a negative reaction to the prospect of being considered her FWB? I've had FWB in the past and it was a stress free win-win. What I have never experienced is this kind of dedicated FWB where we are in love, live together, split expenses, share affection and laughs when we have time, have sleepovers and secks periodically... It's very good, but I can't shake the feeling that something is missing. "

I'm confused: are you feeling like something is missing in the relationship, or that the label is not accurately describing some aspect of the relationship? Seems more like the latter but I'm not certain.

In that FWB probably doesn't include love for most people, I can understand why you might be experiencing some dissonance.

"That the idea of "relationships take work" is bullshit outright"

Why is the idea that relationships take work so awful? Acting like an adult, taking responsibility for your own issues (the stuff you generally espouse) takes work, and being willing to put effort (work) into things we value (like a relationship) seems reasonable to me. I don't understand the distinction.
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  #30  
Old 08-03-2013, 04:34 AM
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I'm confused: are you feeling like something is missing in the relationship, or that the label is not accurately describing some aspect of the relationship? Seems more like the latter but I'm not certain.
Nothing is missing from the relationship, I just have the "feeling" that something is missing. If something were actually missing that would be an issue I would need to take action on, my feeling of something missing just means I need to do some introspection and do a blog post

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Acting like an adult, taking responsibility for your own issues (the stuff you generally espouse) takes work, and being willing to put effort (work) into things we value (like a relationship) seems reasonable to me. I don't understand the distinction.
The distinction for me is this first part of what you said from the second part.

The work I do to have a healthy and adult worldview is my personal business. This conversation and most of the conversations I have on these boards, for example, is me working on my worldview and making sure I am pointing in the right direction. None of this (including these recent posts) actually has anything to do with IV or my "relationship" with her.

When it comes to putting effort into a relationship, that is what I call bullshit on. The relationship is not a thing, it doesn't need to be worked on. If the people involved in a relationship have issues they need to figure that out but the concept that there is some third entity which needs to be helped out is imaginary. It also assumes that there is a priority that we stay together regardless of the fact that we are having fundamental issues relating constructively with each other... which I also don't see as positive.

I think of my romantic relationships the same way I think of my friendships. It would be an absurd thing to say to one of my dear friends "look, we need to sit down and do some work on our relationship. We need to come up with a plan of action so that we can properly address the issues with our relationship". That conversation is nonsensical, there is no entity between my friends and I which has some opinion or needs some extra set of rules or actions applied to it.

Does that illustrate it a bit better? I can't tell if I'm making the idea more clear or muddy.
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