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  #221  
Old 03-14-2013, 06:14 AM
dan41 dan41 is offline
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i have live poly for a while i jus did not what it was called.people would say you got it going on,or u aint nothing but a cheater ,or how you do that,you must be pimping those girls,but the one thing i have learned if im happy and my partners are happy than the ones that dont understand dont matter
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  #222  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:06 PM
Nadya Nadya is online now
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Default Being Closeted vs. Being Private

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the subject of coming out - what it is actually, and of course how open I would like to be about my situation. As it is, very few people know about my poly situation and it feels like it is time to inform a few more people... Have come to the conclusion that I will tell first to those people I trust the most in order to have a support network for those times when judgemental people find out or when there starts to be gossiping about us in our surroundings... I see those as very likely to happen and want to be strong enough to handle it when it does.

In a more theoretical level I have been pondering about what is the difference between being closeted and being private... I think the important difference is whether there is fear involved in the thought that somebody would find out. You are in the closet if you are scared of being exposed. If there is no fear and you just do not feel the need to tell people about your life, you are being private. Any thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
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  #223  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:21 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I just talk about it as part of regular conversation as it becomes relevant. It isn't really relevant to my co-workers, but i'm not afraid of what they think should it ever become relevant. We have Open Relationship on our facebooks, and Spouse told me that their sisters were giving them "concerned" looks at Thanksgiving and asking if "everything is ok between you and BG" (because i was spending tg with a friend who had nowhere to go this year.. last year, whatever). I guess to a lot of people, "open relationship" is something you do when you are breaking up but still get along well enough to share a living space... Well we just celebrated our 10th/13th anniversary.

Anyway it doesn't have to be a big huge "hey sit down there's something i need to tell you" event unless you make it one.
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  #224  
Old 03-19-2013, 05:45 PM
dan41 dan41 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the subject of coming out - what it is actually, and of course how open I would like to be about my situation. As it is, very few people know about my poly situation and it feels like it is time to inform a few more people... Have come to the conclusion that I will tell first to those people I trust the most in order to have a support network for those times when judgemental people find out or when there starts to be gossiping about us in our surroundings... I see those as very likely to happen and want to be strong enough to handle it when it does.

In a more theoretical level I have been pondering about what is the difference between being closeted and being private... I think the important difference is whether there is fear involved in the thought that somebody would find out. You are in the closet if you are scared of being exposed. If there is no fear and you just do not feel the need to tell people about your life, you are being private. Any thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
why do it if your scared?privatice is your right.people change everyday oneday they like you the next they dont for whatever reason,jus b urself it will all be ok.jus remember this "keep ur head up and ur chest out ",most of all SMILE.
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  #225  
Old 03-20-2013, 06:19 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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I got tired of being invisible at work - mostly everyone is catholic or orthodox, married, conservative. Since I'm married and my husband is catholic, I am assumed to be just like them.

So I started wearing a ribbon cuff bracelet with flags on it - the leather pride flag (black blue white, red heart), the rainbow diversity flag, the polyamory flag (blue red black, gold 'pi') and the bisexual pride flag (pink purple blue). I was sort of shocked that for months and months not one person commented, or even appeared to look at it twice. I figured even if no one at work noticed it, it was a good way to signal, to give other people I met a better glimpse of who I am. And a conversation starter, if they are into any of the above.

We hired some seasonal help - and one of them is a younger guy (who I had kind of a crush on) who started bugging me about what it meant. I told him he was too innocent to know if he didn't recognize the flags. He took offense (cause he really isn't that innocent, just young) and bugged me ridiculously until I told him what each one was. He admitted he had thought I was gay when he first saw it but was then confused when he heard I was married to a man. He asked some about polyamory, and I gave him the briefest sketch - his mind was utterly blown. "He [your husband] has sex with whoever he wants???" was pretty much the gist of his reaction. lol. So that was very embarrassing, but he's been calm and hasn't outed me to the rest of the office yet, so I suppose it went as well as it could have gone barring simply clamming up and refusing to tell him, which would have kind of defeated the purpose of wearing it anyway.

One of our regular seasonal people is a middle aged unmarried woman, who is very sweet, but also very catholic and very innocent. She started confiding in me the difficulties she's having with her current sort-of boyfriend, who she is in a long distance relationship with, and then started dismissing anything I said with an 'oh, you're married, you wouldn't understand'. I finally pointed to the poly flag on my wrist. She asked me to take off the bracelet and examined it. She asked what it meant - I only told her that one, as it was the only relevant one, and she asked even less questions than the previous guy. But it really opened her eyes that I didn't fit in the box she always assumed I fit into, and it seemed to really reassure her that she could talk about relationships with me, and I would try to understand and help, and that I might actually have relevant advice. So that went really well and wasn't embarrassing or weird at all, it seemed like she was relieved to have someone to talk to.

So basically I just let the bracelet talk for me; I'm still primarily in the closet, but the door is open, if someone wants to look in.
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  #226  
Old 03-20-2013, 05:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
In a more theoretical level I have been pondering about what is the difference between being closeted and being private... I think the important difference is whether there is fear involved in the thought that somebody would find out. You are in the closet if you are scared of being exposed. If there is no fear and you just do not feel the need to tell people about your life, you are being private. Any thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
One way to think of it:

Private = I don't need people to know.
Closet = I need people not to know.

There are all kinds of reasons for each. Fear is a common motivator.
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  #227  
Old 03-20-2013, 05:58 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I had a *squee* moment last night- I'm taking a class that's supposed to help me with stress management (we'll see) and since some of my stress is due to the LDR nature of my partnership with TGIB, it's come up in class. However, my classmates and the teacher also know I'm married with kids, so I've been considering how to balance my desire to be honest about what is contributing to my stress so I can learn the best coping strategies versus my desire to not waste a bunch of class time dealing with people's potentially negative reactions (this is a more conservative part of CA. I'm sure there are people in the class who would tell me I'm going to hell, which *shrug* whatever, they're strangers, but it would be a waste of my time, the teacher's time, and the other students' time!).

So I decided to stay after class last night so I could speak to the teacher (an older LCSW, more of an educator now than a practicing therapist). I told her that, while I didn't feel the rest of the class needed to know, if she thought some of what I talked about sounded "off" or "odd" and she was uncertain what to suggest (I currently refer to TGIB as a "family member" in the class. Sometimes it gets awkward) then it would probably help to know that I was in a polyamorous relationship, and yes, I was married, but TGIB was also my life partner and like a spouse, so some of the recommendations about friends and extended family members wouldn't really apply. She looked confused for a moment, and then asked, "Does your husband know?" I assured her he did, and told her a little bit about the current effort to get us all living together, and she smiled and said, "Wow, your life must get pretty complicated!" I agreed, and we both laughed and left.

This is (I think, my memory is not 100% to be trusted) the first time I've come out to a medical/psychological professional of any sort, and the first time I've come out to someone who was not either a good friend or a COMPLETE stranger. I've been in 4 of her classes so far, and have 6 left to go, so I was unsure about coming out to someone who could make the remaining 6 classes very unpleasant and unhelpful. I'm so glad it was a positive experience!
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  #228  
Old 03-28-2013, 08:30 PM
kyrsten kyrsten is offline
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I have a question for the Poly masses...
How do I come out at work gracefully and elegantly without jeopardizing my job and reputation?

I work for a company that engineers and manufactures material processing equipment world wide, and I am on a career track with my company to one day be the VP of operations... It is very important to me.

But I am tired of people thinking my significant other is or has cheated on me. I want people to know I am in a Poly relationship and I am happy and I love it, and that our relationship is just as healthy if not moreso than a traditional relationship.
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  #229  
Old 03-29-2013, 09:19 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kyrsten View Post
I have a question for the Poly masses...
How do I come out at work gracefully and elegantly without jeopardizing my job and reputation?

I work for a company that engineers and manufactures material processing equipment world wide, and I am on a career track with my company to one day be the VP of operations... It is very important to me.

But I am tired of people thinking my significant other is or has cheated on me. I want people to know I am in a Poly relationship and I am happy and I love it, and that our relationship is just as healthy if not moreso than a traditional relationship.
Why do you need to?

In some cases, it's not even possible. You can be as graceful and elegant as you want, but they can always find reasons to fire you, or at least to stop you climbing the ladder.

Then again, being "dumb enough to stay with a cheater" could have the same results.

But if there are specific people that you know to be aware that your SO is dating other people, you could go to them privately and just explain the situation, but ask that they not turn it into office gossip. Whether or not they'll listen is another matter, and one you have no control over.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #230  
Old 03-29-2013, 09:55 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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^^ This. People will have their own ideas no matter what. I find what works best for me is to just NOT be secretive. That means not exactly coming out but just being normal. I mean it's normal for me to talk about something and say "Boyfriend watches that show!" or "Oh yeah Hubby and I do that on weekends with the kids." Some people pick up some don't. If they ask, I clarify, if not, then not worried about it. I get most often "You mean ex hubby right?" Then I clarify. Making it just a normality in my own life does a pretty good job of letting others know that it is indeed just normal! At least for me.
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