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  #11  
Old 03-19-2013, 03:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Dude, right now i have this old friend (same sex, used to be in love with them, briefly involved sexually almost 20 years ago) who is going through some personal shit and has been feeling blown-off by me. It's kind of the opposite of yours - yours is going through shit and not getting things they need from you, and mine going through shit and being all needy and me not delivering... Too bad we can't trade, huh?
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2013, 04:02 PM
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Too bad we can't trade, huh?
Haha, sounds like we need a poly exchange program.
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2013, 05:22 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You might also find it helpful to think in terms of (I'm sure i read this on here, as opposed to making it up myself) what you can GIVE in this case, instead of what you can GET. Even though you wish you could "give" the kind of comfort that the other partner is providing, it seems like there is a fine line between that being for your benefit versus being for her benefit. No, not a fine line. A grey-area. What you need to do in the foreseeable short-term is think of it in terms of what SHE needs, not what you wish she needed and/or what she does need but not from you.

We agreed this could mean major changes, temporary, lng-term, or not. So, take it one day at a time. I hate to sound like a 12-step program because i think some of those steps are BS, but some of them are good, like this one.
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  #14  
Old 03-20-2013, 06:30 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Marcus,
I don't really have any advice, and I think you got some excellent feedback. I just want to let you know that I am very moved by the compassion and concern you are showing for IV, while you work out your own frustration with the situation. I often like your posts, but you sometimes comes across as a bit of a hard-ass (that's not a bad thing!), so it is nice to see your tender side. I think you sound like a wonderful partner.

Tricky shit. So, thank you for starting this thread.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 08:04 AM.
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  #15  
Old 03-20-2013, 07:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Which is of high concern for me. While I want to convey my needs I don't want to do anything that would apply pressure.
Is this a "need?" I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just asking. You mentioned that when you lived apart, you were fine going like this for a couple weeks. So it's not an inherent need that you sleep with your partner a couple times a week. But living arrangements do change needs, and it could be that within this arrangement, this is a need.

For example, I'm vehemently independent. But in the context of co-owning a house, I need my husband to help with certain things. We recently had an ice dam. I was trying really hard to take just care of it, deal with the insurance company and contractors, but it wasn't going well. I'm not awesome at schmoozing professionals (i.e. politics), whereas that's one of my husband's greatest strengths. I finally communicated that I needed him to step up to the plate and take care of this. When he did, he finally realized how stressful it's been for me and how much he really could do to help. Until then, he'd felt helpless because he didn't know any more about house repair than I did. But he knows how to talk to professionals, and that's what this situation called for.

So do I "need" someone to talk to insurance companies and contractors? Inherently, no. But if someone else is equally responsible for this house, then I need him to play an equal role in taking care of shit when shit needs taking care of. Do you "need" to sleep with her a couple times a week? Inherently, no. But if you're sharing a house together? Then perhaps.

Determining whether it's a need or a desire can make all the difference in how you cope with it and how/when/whether you communicate it to her. Clearly, if it's a desire, then her need for support outweighs that. But if it is a need, then it can only go on for so long before something snaps.
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  #16  
Old 03-20-2013, 07:19 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Hey Marcus. Sounds to me like you guys are doing okay.

Grieving is tough - the last 3 years have seen 3 significant individuals in my life die. All of them under difficult circumstances.

Two weeks after a death is nothing at all. After my last loss, I couldn't contemplate having sex - even with myself - for about 3 weeks.

Support for yourself is important too. Do you have a good support network around you who can listen to your concerns and help you also to relax and have fun? Supporting grieving loved ones is not easy and I think people doing so need an outlet.

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  #17  
Old 03-20-2013, 01:13 PM
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What you need to do in the foreseeable short-term is think of it in terms of what SHE needs, not what you wish she needed and/or what she does need but not from you.
You are surely right on that. The main thrust of this post is about what I want and am not getting. I'd like to think that it is all about my meeting her emotional needs but I'm not quite that awesome of a partner. I miss sharing a bed with her and was primarily trying to figure out how to express that to her without being a selfish twat.

There's really no way to do that, at least not with the relationship principles I choose to live by. What she gives me is what she is naturally inclined to give me and vice verse. Since currently she's dealing with heavy life shit she is not inclined to give me a particular thing that I like (sleeping in my bed periodically), which sucks but it is what it needs to be.

Fortunately IV is not shutting me out, that would be pretty crushing for me. I'm not having a lot of luck with focusing on her needs and setting aside my wants so I imagine not being included in her emotional journey would make it even worse.

And, I know I come off as a hard ass most of the time on here. On some topics I find it is my natural persona. In dealing with IV I'm a butter ball

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat
Determining whether it's a need or a desire can make all the difference in how you cope with it and how/when/whether you communicate it to her. Clearly, if it's a desire, then her need for support outweighs that. But if it is a need, then it can only go on for so long before something snaps.
It's a fair question SC. There are not many things I would classify as a need when it comes to what I get from IV (or anyone, for that matter). This would most likely be accurately classified as a "want". However, if our relationship stays the way that it currently is for long, it is likely that it will change the nature of our arrangement fundamentally.

If our romantic relationship remains basically platonic the way that it currently is for too long, I will cease to consider it a romantic relationship. We will become roommates who were lovers once. If that is the status of our relationship when the lease on our apartment comes up, for example, I will probably not stay here with her. While IV and CV are fine roommates, that's not what I signed up for.

So in that regard I suppose I could call it a need, in that if I don't get it for long enough it will become a relationship deal breaker. I feel pretty cold saying it that way, but it's true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility
Support for yourself is important too. Do you have a good support network around you who can listen to your concerns and help you also to relax and have fun? Supporting grieving loved ones is not easy and I think people doing so need an outlet.
I don't have a habit of sharing my feelings with people other than my romantic partners. I have close friends but I rarely discuss my relationships with them on any intimate level. So, I have plenty of love and support in general and am currently using you lovely people for my relationship specific support.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 08:05 AM.
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  #18  
Old 03-20-2013, 04:26 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So in that regard I suppose I could call it a need, in that if I don't get it for long enough it will become a relationship deal breaker. I feel pretty cold saying it that way, but it's true.
I don't see it as cold, personally. It's realistic. Deaths in the family have broken up more than one relationship. Yes, she needs time to grieve, but that doesn't mean you stop having feelings either. While it would be selfish to make a big deal out of it so soon after it happened, you have reasonable limits and needs in your relationships. It's natural that push eventually comes to shove. But you seem to be patient and understanding, so I'm sure everything will work out in time.
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  #19  
Old 03-20-2013, 04:46 PM
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But you seem to be patient and understanding, so I'm sure everything will work out in time.
I don't see this as being a long standing issue. She's dealing with some pretty serious heart break but she's reasonable, intelligent, and introspective so I see her coming out happier and healthier than when she began. Once that happens I don't imagine there will be any hurdles to our relationship becoming romantic again.

She came home last night and crumpled into my arms. I was watching some UFC so she laid there with me, crying and very upset. The drama of the details surrounding the suicide are causing her mother a great deal of pain and IV is affected deeply by it. My Irish "feed it" instinct kicked in and I tried to offer to cook her some food, fetch her a drink, deliver some kind of comfort to her - she declined. So, we laid there, I pet her, we quietly watched the fights, she wept.

I try not to share peoples pain, to let it hurt me, but my god it's crushing to feel her tears hit my skin. I'm a smart enough human to resist the urge to try and fix it but I WANT to TRY! Seeing her like this is just freaking torture. Instead, I use my better judgment, shut my "helpful" mouth, and try not to cry in her hair.
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  #20  
Old 03-20-2013, 06:13 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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So in that regard I suppose I could call it a need, in that if I don't get it for long enough it will become a relationship deal breaker. I feel pretty cold saying it that way, but it's true.
I don't think it's cold at all. Deaths are tricky and they do sometimes end relationships.

For me, lack of a sexual relationship for a prolonged period of time would also mark a major change. Maybe the relationship would become a friendship or maybe I'd remain with the person and be their carer (if illness was the cause of the end of the sexual element).

Depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't necessarily seek any other romantic relationships. I see absolutely no need for anybody other than myself to have an excellent sex life and I have plenty of friends who provide emotional support and fun.

But I wouldn't remain in a romantic relationship with a person I wasn't having sex with.
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